KirstenL4W

I don’t have a ton of pictures of myself. I haven’t been a ham in front of the camera since before I hit puberty. After that, I was much more interested in being behind the camera. Then one day, it seemed that I wasn’t really taking pictures anymore. Mister likes to take pictures, and it’s not that we don’t try to take any, but sometimes we’re just so busy living life to stop and take a picture, know what I mean?

I talked to my mom the other day. I remembered that Grandma had a couple of those collage frames in her dining room, and since the photos in them hadn’t changed for the last 15 or 20 years of her life, I can remember quite a few of the pics that were in there. I remember one in particular that is really dorky, but I want to put it on my about page. I was probably 7 or 8, at Grandma’s house in the yard, wearing a red t-shirt with white iron-on letters spelling my name. Very dorky, but perfect for an about page.

I uploaded some pictures and created a set of pictures of me on flickr. There aren’t too many, because like a lot of people, I’m very picky about what can be considered an acceptable picture of myself. You will see the picture from my header, which is me pretending to look at the sunrise over Salisbury Beach, MA. I say pretending to look because even though I had sunglasses on, it was really bright so I had my eyes closed while Mister took the picture.

I love seeing pictures on blogs - I think they can really enhance a story. What I don’t like, however, is including an image for the sake of having an image. I did that quite a bit when I was first starting out, but now I try to stick to pics that are in my personal collection. I also think that pictures help draw people in more. I don’t use pictures as often as I’d like to, but I’ve been trying to do something about that lately. Also, organizing the photos on my hard drive would help a lot - and probably provide me with some inspiration.

Do you like to take pictures? Do you use your pictures on your blog? Leave me a comment to tell me about your favorite post that includes your photos!

Every now and then, I transform from the sweet, lovable person that I am into a total bitch. This seems to happen about, oh, once a month, and lasts nearly two weeks at a time. Yes, it’s what you’re thinking. I was complaining about my period and the hormonal roller coaster more than two years ago. Since then, it’s not gotten any better. It’s gotten worse, actually. So much so that it threatens to ruin the one thing I value most - my marriage. I don’t have run of the mill PMS. I have PMDD, which is an extreme form of PMS.

I was on the pill for awhile, thinking that it would help. There’s one pill that claims to help this sort of thing, so I took it for about a year. It seemed to help at first, but then again, I did start taking it a few weeks before my wedding. I think it was more the whole newly wedded bliss than the pill helping. Plus, I’m over 35 now, and have a family history of breast cancer, so I don’t want to subject myself to any more health issues than I have to. Out with the Pill.

I tried taking vitamins - a cocktail including a daily multi, magnesium, and calcium. I hate taking so many freaking pills. I wish I could just order up ONE pill that has everything I want in it, and nothing I don’t want, but I haven’t found it yet. Besides, have you seen how BIG vitamins are? I’m talking horse pills here. Between the size and sheer quantity of pills involved in a vitamin regimen, suck at taking them, even if they take the edge off a bit.

You might remember that a few years ago I was taking Paxil for a bunch of crap and thought I needed something. I didn’t want that particular pill, but the doctor gave it to me anyway. I gained 40lbs before I was finally able to get myself off it, and stopped gaining weight when I stopped taking it for good. My doctor said the weight gain was unrelated. I have a new doctor now.

Since Mister and I got into another fight the other night in which one of our dishes lost its life, we talked about it again. Mister is not a huge fan of mental health medications, and after my experience with Paxil, neither am I, but we both agreed that I need to do something. I don’t like the split personality. I did some research, talked to some online friends, and decided on Zoloft. I would have preferred Lexapro, since it looks like it would fit a lot better, but my insurance company doesn’t prefer it, so the final decision came down to what my wallet said.

Mister came to the doctor with me - they really like him there, and I get better care when he’s with me. It really helps having an advocate if you have a hard time talking to doctors. My back had been hurting for about a week, which was the main purpose of the visit, so I got something for that, but we also talked about my PMDD. The doctor took me seriously, validated my concerns about Paxil and hormones, and wrote me a script for the Zoloft. I started taking it yesterday, but won’t know its full effect for a few months. Sometimes I’ll have a good month or two after a particularly bad month.

Part of me feels like a failure for having to take a pill to manage my natural cycle. The other part of me feels hopeful that this will really help. I’m sick of being two totally different people depending on where in my cycle I’m at. I may be a Gemini, but I don’t want to be Jekyll and Hyde.

I was working out at Curves the other day, and they were conducting one of their fun activities that they do from time to time to keep things fun and interesting and not just the same boring workout. This one was based on some guessing game show that was on years ago, or so they tell me. Pick a number between one and six, and if you pick one particular number, you lose.

I have to tell you that I hate guessing games. There are some things sure to cause anxiety in me, and the word “guess” is one of them. Being a perfectionist, I hate to lose, and losing at something in which I have absolutely no way to manipulate the outcome using my intellect is just too nerve-wracking for me. So I refused to play. This may make me a spoil-sport or whatever but I don’t care. We weren’t playing against anyone else, so no one else lost out on the experience because I wouldn’t play. What it did accomplish was me being able to remain calm and focused.

My quest to never mess up, ever, is apparent in a lot of things I do. Take this blog for example. You’ll notice that I don’t post much anymore. It’s not because I don’t want to, believe me. I just have a hard time constructing eloquent posts. Maybe I’ve been at it too long and have set my expectations too high. Maybe I’m afraid that what I say won’t be received the way I intend it to be. Maybe it’s because I’m not in the “just right” mood for being able to write something. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll miss out on other things I want to do because I’m busy posting on my blog. Ok, that last one really means that I get too distracted with everything else online when I sit down intending to write.

I’ve always been a perfectionist. I know that it holds me back from doing things, even small things, because I’m afraid of it not being right. To me, if it’s not perfect, then it’s a total failure. There’s no in between. Right now in my life I’m struggling as I find myself in a position that I never thought I’d be in. Decisions need to be made - actually, decisions are being made whether I want them to be or not. It’s up to me to deal with it as best I can. I don’t like it one bit, and all the hard work I did to not find myself in this position doesn’t really seem to matter now.

I keep seeing these “Decade in Review” posts going around the interwebs, so in the spirit of keeping up with a higher post frequency (and having some bloggy fun), I present to you my decade in review.

2000 - I was settling into the condo I purchased towards the end of 1999. It was really fun setting up my own home, especially since the only other experience I had living on my own didn’t last long and didn’t end well. I was thoroughly enjoying my job as a receptionist at a graphic design firm since the people I worked with were great, and I loved being in a creative environment. I also took on a second job, back at the supermarket, because as it turns out, living on your own takes some dough.

2001 - I continued working the two jobs and enjoying my condo until 9/11 happened. Two weeks later I was laid off - the tech bubble that had been rapidly losing air completely burst after the towers fell. I was able to pick up more hours at the supermarket, and managed to pick up some temp work as well. Detective Friend was a maintenance manager at a mall then, and he hired me to get everything ready and help put up the holiday displays. While I’m not sure I ever want to fluff another fake tree again, and I definitely don’t want to ever see that glitter crap on fake snow again, being allowed to run around the mall all night long was way fun.

2002 - Had a bit of temp work at the beginning of the year, but the economy wasn’t really picking up, and I ended up going full-time at the supermarket. Things were rough, financially, but I managed. I also started to think about moving away, especially since the winter of 2002-2003 had way too much snow for my liking, and it was freezing - so cold that the heat in my condo couldn’t keep up. Plans to move to the upper Midwest (I was channeling Mary Tyler Moore) turned to “screw this, I’m going somewhere warm.”

2003 - Despite the job market, housing prices didn’t drop, and my condo had picked up some value. Dreams of moving away started to become more realistic when I realized that I’d be able to fund it if I sold my place. In the midst of thinking about all this, I was written up at work for a collection of tiny things that had my boss urge me to call EAP and talk to a counselor. I did, and it turns out that I felt stuck. Small wonder - I was stuck in a job and couldn’t find a new one, and didn’t have any money to do anything fun, not even 39¢ hamburgers. At the end of April, I listed my place and closed on it May 23. I quit my job, took a working vacation (to check out the place I was moving to, since I’d never been), and spent a few weeks with family and friends. In June 2003, I packed up a truck, and my dad and I drove to Vegas, where I was to make my home. New exciting life, here I come! A week after I moved to Vegas, my sister moved to Florida.

2004 - I got more settled down in Vegas, found a steady, full time job with Mad Scientist, and visited family on the east coast a few times.

2005 - Still working for Mad Sci. My sister lost her kids to foster care in February, and I spent the next six months arguing with her and both my parents while making myself sick with worry over the kids. Diagnosed with acid reflux, and went on Paxil because all the stress made me crack. Still being treated for the reflux, but off Paxil. Kids were dispersed to Messy J’s dad and my dad, and I got to see both of them that August. Spent the rest of the year gaining weight.

2006 - Decided that a paper journal wasn’t good enough any more and started my blog. Also outgrew my job with Mad Scientist, so I tried to move on. In the meantime, I was in a car accident that totaled my car, broke my hand, and sent back to New England to get a new car since my dad could give me a much better deal than anything I could get on my own out here. On the way back to Vegas with my new-to-me car, I was having lunch in DC with one of my imaginary internet friends when I found out that my sister - now in a fairly stable relationship and 7 months pregnant - had a placental abruption and emergency c-section. Since I was flexible with the job situation and obviously mobile, I changed my plans and took a detour to Florida to see my sister. I got to meet my niece, Mia, and see a bit more of the country than I bargained for. Got home about a week later than planned, and continued meeting some new people who would eventually help the stars align for me.

2007 - The job I took after I got back from my road trip didn’t work out for me, so I had a few jobs the first half of the year trying to find something that fit. I finally found my current job in June, which would be the last of the job-hopping for me for quite some time. Also? I met the love of my life and moved in with him a week later. We traveled to California, where he’s from, and I got to touch the Pacific Ocean for the first time.

2008 - I got engaged! And married! And we bought a house! Then in October I took my new husband to New England to meet the rest of my family and show him where I grew up.

2009 - A rough year - Mister became unemployed, I got bummed out about turning 35, but we still managed to visit our families and friends in California and New England. I worked hard and earned a promotion late in the year. Kept waking up beside the bestest husband in the world. Finished the year full of optimism.

So there you have it - my decade in review. It was kind of fun, when I wasn’t distracted with the thought of re-reading my entire blog from the beginning (and that was fun, too). Almost wishing I had a blog 10 years ago so I could do a 1990s in review post. But I don’t have all night. I need to get some beauty sleep, you know.

If you have a decade in review post, link to it in the comments - I’d love to visit your blogs and see how far you’ve come in 10 years.

I have to admit, I was not the most popular kid in my elementary school. I mean, I was well known, but only because my Gram was the school secretary. I was not well liked and did not have very many friends. I was painfully reminded of that this evening while surfing through a particular social networking site that we will call Bookface.

I have a love/hate relationship with Bookface. It’s great because I can keep up with people far better than any other method out there, but it sucks because I get violently pulled back to a period of my life I’d just as soon forget. Take tonite for example. I saw that and old classmate on my friend list was tagged in a photo. It was an old class photo from elementary school. I have the same photo - showed it to my husband just last night, actually. Then, I flipped through and saw the class photo from the following year. My face had a big red X on it. Yeah, that’s how popular I was in school. It instantly brought back all those old feelings. I don’t even know what I did to deserve that kind of hatred back then. As best I can remember it, I just wanted to get on with the school day. I wasn’t a bully, I didn’t tease anyone - I just wanted to get along. I wasn’t “special”. I was, and still am, quite smart. I got pretty decent grades. I wasn’t better or worse than anyone else in art or music, just average. I kinda sucked at gym, except the high jump for some reason. Couldn’t run the 50 yard dash in under 10 seconds, but I could clear that bar.

So what was it? Was it the horrible thrift store wardrobe my stepmother dressed me in long before thrift was cool? Was it the fact that my teeth didn’t grow in straight? Was it my red hair? The other kid in my class with red hair wasn’t subjected to the ridicule that I was, so that couldn’t have been it. It must have been the giant bull’s eye that was my aura. That’s it. My aura was a bull’s eye that was visible to everyone under the age of 16 except me. There, I’ve solved it. That’s why it still haunts me today, why I wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, and why I’ll probably never be as confident as I pretend to be. Some people might say, sure, kids will be kids, but is that kind of cruelty called for, either as children or adults? It’s not always so easy to brush off and forget about when it continues for years. Even today, I’m not so sure I’m completely free from it, which does nothing for my self esteem.

Part of me wants to delete my Bookface profile, because so much keeps flooding back whenever I see a name or picture from the old school days. The other part of me enjoys the people who are my friends now, and has a bit of a curiosity as to what my old classmates are up to. I don’t know if I can ever really be friends with them, even 25 years later, but it’s hard to try and be the me I am now and not let those old feelings take over. It’s about killed my evening.

Last Friday, my CPA, who happens to be a close personal friend of moi, called me when I was on my way to work.  She wanted to tell me not to worry, that while we haven’t sat down and crunched the numbers just yet, she knows there are tax credits that Mister and I qualify for that will give us plenty of breathing room - a small glimmer of hope, financially speaking.  That made my day.  I did have more good stuff that I wanted to write about, but I’ve since forgotten.  Ah well, such is life.

Other than that, not a heck of a lot has changed.  I cracked from the pressure and ended up taking a personal day from work this week, which was really nice to have the break.  Also, Mister finally redeemed the Netflix gift subscription I got him for Christmas, so checking the mail is actually exciting now and not always followed by an hour long rant.

I wish I was more inspired to write more lately, but I’m just not.   Lately my spare time is taken up with staring at the tv like a zombie, or staring at the computer like a zombie.  I am mostly keeping up with all the blogs I normally read, and once in awhile even comment on one, but the desire to share just isn’t there lately.  I’ll do the best I can, though.

I haven’t been blogging a lot lately, in case you haven’t noticed.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t know how to say it.  I have no problem talking about stuff when I’m happy; that’s when I want the whole world to know.  But when I’m not happy, I have a tendency to stuff it all inside and hope it will all go away.

So, where shall I start?  How about - the economy!  News has it that the economy is in the crapper right now.  I scan the headlines about how this company and that company is laying off people left and right or just closing its doors completely.  Take shopping, for example.  Already there have been lots of stores that have closed.  Even supermarkets!  Grocery stores are typically recession-proof because everyone has to eat.  Well, people are playing the coupon game like crazy and trying to figure out how they can eat for as little as possible.  I get that people aren’t spending money because they no longer have much of it anymore, but this is freaky.  Pretty soon I won’t have anywhere to go to buy a box of tissues.

The housing market is just downright depressing.  Sure, if you have money you might be able to buy a house for a great deal.  But Mister and I bought a year ago.  Prices were starting to come down a bit, but no one really thought the economy would collapse the way it did.  We have a conventional mortgage and were able to get financing that doesn’t exist anymore.  But we’re so upside down today.  I made the mistake of looking at the builder’s website to see what the units they have available are selling for today.  I won’t give you the grisly details.  I shouldn’t have looked myself, because it’s got my mind reeling with fears and worries now. 

The job market.  With jobs being lost left and right, it’s worrying.  I live in Vegas, which is pretty much a single-market town.  Like Detroit was.  And I work in the gaming industry.  There has been a bit of “reconstructive” downsizing at my company, but we’re still relatively strong (relative to the competition).  My job is pretty stable, since my department is necessary but now down to as few people as it can really operate with.  But Mister is unemployed at the moment.  And his unemployment actually has nothing to do with the economy.  That’s the Drama that I referred to a few posts back.  His dilemma now is that everything he knows how to do he is no longer physically able to do.  So we’re both trying to figure out what he can do, what he wants to do and what direction to take it all in.  For now we are ok, financially, but it won’t last forever.

Those are the main worries going on in my mind right now.  Let’s talk about the fears.  I fear that Mister won’t be able to find something else to do (especially in this town) and worry about where that will land us.  I read headlines about gun sales being up, and I fear that we’re going to become a lawless society because of the economy.  Overall, I fear that this year - 2009 - will get much worse.  Not just for the country, because everyone is predicting that, but for me personally, and in an tragically epic sort of way.  I can’t seem to shake that feeling.

So that’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately.  I try to stay upbeat on the blog, but I haven’t been upbeat lately.  I don’t want this to become a complaining blog, because I’ll lose readers much faster than if I don’t write anything at all.  That’s about it.  I’ll try to write when I can, and I’ll try to keep the mood balanced.  All I can do is try.

Mister and I watched the rest of Six Feet Under last night. If you’ll remember, I bought it for him for his birthday, and we’ve been watching it in bits and pieces ever since. We stayed up way too late to finish watching the series, because the final season was just so riveting that there was no way we could go to bed without finding out what happened. *Warning: if you haven’t seen the show, there are some spoilers in this post. I don’t think I can say what I need to by being cryptic about what happens on the show.*

I did have some tears rolling down my cheeks during the last, oh, 3 episodes or so. It’s hard not to shed some tears when you see characters that you’ve gotten to know showing their grief in such a raw and unhindered way. About halfway through the final episode, it occurred to me that the characters weren’t just mourning the loss of a loved one. They did that in the very first episode of the first season, when the family patriarch died, and got on quite a bit better than they did here. In this one, they weren’t just mourning Nate. They were mourning the loss of their lives as they knew them. In that episode, every single character was standing on the edge of a major life change. Claire is on the edge of something great - with her art and with Ted. David and Keith are parents. Brenda is about to have a baby. Ruth is starting to embrace the freedom she has in no longer being required to be a homemaker. Rico is taking his family forward by starting his own business. Every single person is on the edge of their own personal greatness, but they spend most of the episode mourning the familiar, the way their lives used to be.

That’s the way major life changes are. There is usually so much good wrapped up in them, but it’s stressful at the same time. We do mourn what we used to have and the way things used to be, even though we know things will be better. That’s the way I’ve felt lately. I’ve been incredibly weepy, stressed, and not as jovial as I usually am. I know things are changing, they already have due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m sure my husband feels the same way, but without as many tears and emotional outbursts as I’ve had, because he’s better at controlling that sort of thing than I am. Right now we’re at a point where there will be some major changes, but we don’t know what just yet. We need to decide which road to take from here. My husband says life always seems harder when you’re going through a growth period, and that’s where we are at. We’re just waiting to see what direction life will take us in. That part isn’t quite clear yet, but what is clear is that we are in this together - lifting each other up, supporting each other, and having no shortage of hugs and tenderness to help us get through this.

Inspired by a post on This Young House, I decided to take an online quiz that tells you what your creative type is. I was curious and wanted to see if it could shed some light on breaking free of this creative block I seem to have. Check this out:

About Me:

You have a great appreciation for creativity in all its forms. You really admire talented artists and will always find time to seek out a new exhibition or show. When it comes to your own creativity, you take inspiration and ideas from the world around you. Your eyes are always open for new sources of information. You like to see creativity as something that is free, without boundaries and rules - you’re a rebel at heart!

How I Create:

You like to embrace new thinking and techniques. Technology can help you create work that really has an impact. It’s all about form; man-made just can’t beat the beauty of nature. You’re the type who thinks best in the wilderness. Your strength lies in your unique perspective, meaning you have the eye for taking something old and turning it round to offer something fresh and new.

How I Think:

Deep down, you have a playful spirit and take pride in putting your own original spin on things. Your creativity is fresh and honest… the ever-present childlike element of your character shines through.

So…

All of that sounds pretty accurate to me, though I wonder how accurate it would be if I chose different elements. But what I get out of that is that, to fully open up my creative side, I need to get out more. I need to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. If I didn’t need to get so darn early (it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of mornings) to go to work so that I could pay the bills, I might be able to do just that. So long story short, in order to unleash my creativity I need to be independently wealthy with few to no obligations on my time.

Isn’t that always the way?

I used to be known as an extremely organized person.  Heck, I even looked into being a professional organizer at one time.  But lately I’ve been losing my touch.  Or motivation.  Or something.  For well over a year now, since not long before I met Mister and packed up everything to move in with him, I have not been organized.  I have all sorts of excuses, the biggest one being that a large portion of my stuff has been in boxes for well over a year while Mister and I lived together in a small, 1-bedroom apartment.  There’s still a lot of stuff that’s in boxes in our garage now.  I know that organizers with a real minimalist streak would just tell me to chuck it all.  But I was still fairly organized when I boxed it all up, so there’s a lot that I know I need and want in there.  For example, all the software from my computer is still there, in its own box that should sit by my desk should I ever need to reinstall something.  And my Swedish knick-knacks (a lot of which I bought in Sweden) are carefully packed away.  One reason I hesitate to unpack it is because I have nowhere to put it.

I do want to get organized, but I’m afraid I’ve become one of those people on tv.  The ones who let things get so out of hand that they don’t know where to begin.  That’s me, not knowing where to start.  I have ideas on how to get organized, but it’s all so inter-related in my mind that I feel like I’m missing a critical piece of the puzzle to be able to put all the steps together to make it flow and get the job done.  Maybe that’s just the perfectionist in me.  I do have lots of books on organizing, but they’re still in boxes in the garage.  A lot of good they do me there, eh?

I did do a little bit of organizing last night.  Since we bought our house and new desks for the office, I started unpacking some of my office boxes and ended up with a pile of papers that I didn’t know what to do with.  Some were for filing, which I couldn’t do at the time because my files weren’t unpacked yet (seeing the inter-relational thing yet?).  Others were things that I hadn’t made a decision on yet.  The rest of it was the result of breeding.  The pile grew over the past few months to include wedding papers and such.  Since I am going to be tranferring all my stuff over to the newer laptop and passing my desktop on to Uncle Caboose, who is currently using my mom’s old dinosaur, I needed somewhere to put the laptop for the file transfers.  The pile had to go.  I was able to file, toss, or relocate most of it, but there are a couple of things that I’m gonna try my best to find a home for. 

Now I just need to try and keep up so that I can get back on that organizing wagon and let Mister see all the skills that I know are in me somewhere.