KirstenL4W

I survived the DMV visit.  The parking lot at my local branch is maybe a quarter of the size it ought to be, so I ended up parking about a block down the street (in a city that doesn’t really have on-street parking anywhere).  I hiked to the DMV, stood in line for about 10 minutes to get my number, then waited for over an hour for my number to be called.  I found that going close to closing time is quicker than a mid-day visit, unless I can get up first thing in the morning and be in line when they open.  Though the DMV closes at 5, once you have a number the clerks have to stay until all the numbers have been seen, and it seems to go really fast once 5pm comes.  Anyway, I took care of my name change and address change for both my license and registration, then stood in another line to get a new license picture taken.  Now I have an official ID with my new name on it.

I do have to go back to the DMV rather soon, because Mister ordered me some personalized license plates as a wedding gift.  They are holding the plates at the DMV until I register a car to them or until they’ve waited for me long enough (60 days).  So, I need to go back with my registration and old plates to get my new plates.  Oh the joys of the DMV.  If we end up buying a Jetta TDI, we’ll have to go back yet again.  Fun.

Now that I have legally changed my name, I need to tell everyone.  Here’s the fun part.  I am still waiting for my new social security card, so once I get that I can change my name at work, though I did already order a new nameplate for my cube.  There’s the banks, credit cards and other accounts, and of course my online life, and once all that is done there’s my passport.  I need to mail in for that, and since I don’t have any international trips coming up anytime soon, I can do that one last.

It will take time to get used to my new name - seeing it in print, saying it, and signing it.  But I know I’m not the only woman to do this, so there will be some understanding as I get accustomed to the change.  And one more thing - my online name, KirstenL4W, will not be changing.  It’s searchable and unique, so I’m just going to keep it the way it is.  For all you fans out there who search me by my online name, you’ll still be able to do that.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to eat my dessert before my lunch hour is up.

This is what happens when you share happy news about your personal life with your co-workers:

Except for the fact that I don’t like people making a big deal over me, it’s kinda fun.

I was reading the news while on my lunch hour at work a few weeks ago and came across this article.  It discusses the therapeutic benefits of blogging.  Since my very first post, I have felt a certain comfort in putting my thoughts online.  If I’m looking for feedback, someone who doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall could well be able to offer a fresh perspective versus someone who does know me.  Heck, just getting it out there helps.  I have noticed that if I write something down in my journal, it helps but only to a point.  I’ve long used journaling as a way to articulate my thoughts, to help turn them from abstract figments of thoughts into something more concrete so that I can continue on with whatever has been on my mine.

But blogging is different.  It helps communicate those thoughts.  Even though my audience is largely made up of people who don’t know me, whom I don’t communicate with except in blog comments, that anonymity is freeing.  People read my blog because they’re interested.  Because I’ve said something that they can relate to.  I find that in real life, I am quieter and not as open with all my thoughts because I feel that most people don’t understand.  Whether they say they do or not, it’s difficult for me to convey my feelings in spoken form and get the desired effect.  I just don’t think on my feet like that.  The method of communication that works best for me is writing, and when you’re face to face with someone, well, it’s hard.

Though blogging is thought of as a form of communication,  some people don’t get that.  I mean, I write down everything I’m thinking, and a blog post is 100% my thoughts.  But the communication comes in comments.  It comes in reading other people’s blogs.  While others won’t put out posts meant to say something directly to me as a response to my posts, their thoughts will touch me and speak to my much in the same way that mine do for others.

It’s a great big wide interwebs out there.  Those that don’t live an online life or who use the internet as an information resource with the occasional email to keep in touch don’t get the power of blogging.  Not blogging for money or having a niche blog.  Personal blogging.  It’s fun, as a hobby should be.  It’s absorbing, as a good television series ought to be.  And it’s therapeutic, as journaling is.   For those of us who blog, it’s as necessary as a nice long chat with a close friend is.

I’ve been really tired lately.  Stress does that to you.  I emailed my mom and told her how it’s going to be when she’s here for my wedding.  She responded saying that she understands, but then came back with a blog post that tells me she really doesn’t get it.  I mean, with a tiny wedding that is cutting out a lot of the traditional details, there really isn’t much to do.  I know she’s eager to help, but honestly, if you were visiting a strange city, would you want to be given a list of errands and a map?  Me either.  FH and I are planning it so that there will be very little to do, and if there is anything that needs being done, those jobs will go to local friends.  It just makes more sense that way, don’t you think?

Sis also tells me that mom has been complaining that I won’t be spending more time with out of town guests (aka her and my uncles).  This wedding is not a week-long affair with fun events planned every night.  The wedding will take place on one day.  In the days before, I need to work, since I have one of those jobs that likes me to be there - at 7am.  Doesn’t leave me much time for going out on the town.  And FH and I would really like to take time for us, so we can chillax a bit before the wedding, just the two of us.  If I spend the days before the wedding playing tour guide and planning a million pre-wedding events, then I will not be a blushing, beaming, glowing bride walking down the aisle.  I will be a frazzled madwoman.  I think FH prefers the first one.

Mom brought up this issue of a tie.  She thinks I’m focused on her buying Dad a tie.  It will be 105°F or so outside that day.  I don’t think Dad will want to wear one, and that’s fine.  But it’s not my mom’s job to buy him a tie.  They’ve been divorced for over 30 years now.  Let his wife pick out his clothes, or *gasp* let Dad do that himself.  What a concept.  And don’t even get me started on my mom calling me to update me on Gram’s health yesterday.  My paternal grandmother - not her mother.

So I haven’t been around here much lately.  I’ve been over at LJ so I can vent out loud a lot more, since LJ lets you control exactly who gets to see each post.  Nifty feature.  Here it’s only public, registered users (I don’t do that registering thing here), or no one can see it.  On LJ I can pick and choose.  So there.

Excuse me while I eat a little piece of sugar coma in a foil wrapper - aka the Cadbury Creme Egg.

Is anyone here lactose intolerant? I am. I don’t have to religiously read the ingredients on food packages, and there are dairy products that I can have without much issue. But sometimes the rules decide to change themselves on me.

I don’t care to drink plain milk, but I make pudding and chocolate milk with Lactaid, which tastes the same as milk. I’ve never had a problem with my favorite ice cream, and I love cheese, especially a nice sharp, hard cheese. I don’t have issues with these things. I do avoid creamy dishes, though because of the cheese I’m OK with alfredo. I avoid all ice cream products from Sonic, which I learned the hard way. Even real whipped cream has been known to mark its territory. Italian food, which is often times smothered in mozzarella cheese, has never bothered me. Until last night.

Boyfriend and I were out for our weekly oil change last night. Our regular Greasy Spoon very suddenly shut its doors this week, leaving us in the lurch. We quickly came up with a new place to meet, which is a place that we’ve been to a couple times before. I ordered the chicken parm sandwich, which was delish. I didn’t notice until later, but there was an awful lot of cheese on it.

TMI ahead

The past few days have been less than idea between Boyfriend and myself, mostly due to me.  I have been extremely bitchy towards him, and it isn’t necessarily PMS, because it’s a bit early for that and I have no other symptoms.  I don’t know what it is that has been making me want to argue with him on every little thing, but last night when I was making dinner I remembered something.  Boyfriend said to me quite a few months ago that when someone is going through a personal growth period, it is a very difficult time.  That must be it, because even when Aunt Flo visits I am not usually this bitchy.

The thing about times like these is that I won’t really know when it’s over or exactly what kind of growth occurred.  Years down the road I may be able to look back and say with some definition that this experienced shaped me or taught me xxxxx, but right now it’s just a pain in the ass.

“Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile…initially scared me to death.” - Betty Bender

There’s something that’s been weighing on my mind lately. Last night, I went to my apartment to get some packing done, but also to have a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I love Boyfriend and I love spending time with him, and I really do want to spend every minute of the day with him. But I am one who also needs some alone time, and I’ve been forgetting about that until it gets to a point where it becomes a critical need. So I went to my apartment last night, packed, wrote in my journal, cried, packed some more, and watched some TV that I had saved on my DVR.

Yes, I cried. Not because I am upset at all about the decision to move in with Boyfriend. I’m not, but I will admit to this: I am scared. Yes, that’s right. Scared. I said previously that I have never lived with anyone in this capacity before. My entire adult life I have spent carving out a place for myself, learning not to rely on anyone and creating a comfortable place for myself. I grew so comfortable with my aloneness (not to be confused with loneliness) that in the past few years, I shunned all efforts to find myself a partner. I was not lonely. I have friends, companions, and I made sure that I had everything that I needed. The only thing I did not do to confirm my impending spinsterhood was to get a cat. I was actually worried that being on my own and alone for so long may have messed up my chances for ever being able to have a successful relationship. Yes, my thoughts ran away from me and I actually got to thinking that perhaps I was meant to be alone.

So now, here I am today, on the verge of living with a wonderful man for a very, very long time, and it’s got me scared sh!tless. There are so many things that I need to adjust to, so many habits to relearn, so many attitudes to change if I want to make this work. When I got home last night I broke down and cried again. This has been bogging down my mind for the last few days, and I really debated on whether or not to tell him. I didn’t want it to be taken the wrong way, and I still needed to sit on it a little bit to sort it out in my head and to articulate my feelings properly. But I finally decided that telling him was best. And do you know what? He is having the same feelings. He’s also grown used to having his own space, having things his way, and doing things for himself. His fears are very similar to mine. He just keeps it together so much better than I do.

I am in the middle of a lot of upheaval right now. My apartment is half packed up, and I haven’t spent the night at home in a month. I still only have the basics at Boyfriend’s house - enough clothing for a little over a week, and some toiletries. So it’s not yet been transformed into our space. Living like that for so long now has got me - a person with a seemingly insatiable need for alone time and private space - really freaked out. But I will get through, and this will be so worth it. I’m really happy that the Boyfriend is the kind of person that I can talk through this sort of thing with.

Every now and then I think about starting over. I start to feel burdened down by what I have and where I am, and I feel the need to start fresh, usually in a new location. I’m going through that right now. Vegas feels old and stale, especially with the heat of the summer well on its way. It’s 7:40pm as I write this, and 82ºF outside. We had one or two weeks of spring, and now summer has arrived. But more than that I think about somewhere a bit more refreshing, with greenery, water, and an end in sight when the oppressive heat hits. I think about a smaller town, a slower pace, a simpler way of life. I think about shedding myself of many of the possessions weighing me down.

I sold a lot of things when I sold my condo to move to Vegas, but acquired new things to replace it as I settled in here. Now it seems like I have more than I did than before I sold it all. I’m starting to feel the urge to not only downsize a bit, but swap some of my things for simpler, multi-functional pieces. For example, I have my home theater pieces that I bought about 7 years ago when my boom box crapped out on me. So now, while I have a very decent system, I have separate pieces for the receiver, CD player, DVD player, VCR, cable box, and 5 relatively large, obvious speakers. If I had to do it again today, I would choose something more multi-purpose and less obtrusive, like this. And (I should add this to my to-do list) I would be more vigilant about finding someone with a VCR/DVD recorder combo to burn to DVD those last few movies I have on VHS that aren’t available on DVD.

I’d get rid of so much of those little things I have that I know I really don’t need. I’d be more organized so that I don’t need so much stuff. I dream of having a home as organized and uncluttered as the magazines. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a total clutterbug. I do have a lot of stuff, but it is organized - somewhat.

I’m also feeling the desire to redecorate. I really don’t need to, but I’ve had the same stuff for so long now. My shower curtain and bathroom scheme I’ve had for 7 years now, since I bought the stuff when I first had my condo back east. My bedroom set I bought 4 years ago when I moved here, and while I still love it, I want something a bit fresher - and a bit more ME. Something like this, perhaps. That look certainly doesn’t fit in here in Vegas, in the millions of homes that all look the same with their stucco façade. And that brings me to my next point.

When I first started this blog, I did it with the intention of sorting stuff out and figuring out where my next move was to be. I think that “what next” feeling hits a lot of us - I know Macoosh has been struggling with similar feelings lately. Last summer, when I went back east to visit the family, I was overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to move back there. But not long after my vacation was over, I finally found myself a social life here in Vegas. For those who have never lived here, Vegas is a very tough town to make friends in. When one goes away to college, they say that second semester is when you meet your real friends. In Vegas, it’s not unusual for it to take 2-3 years. Anyway, once I made friends here, I became much more comfortable with the idea of staying here. But I still know that Vegas is not forever. Sooner or later, I will move.

And then there’s the question of where. Three places in particular come to mind. One would be the obvious answer of moving back home. While I do love my family, I do also need my space, so Portland, Maine would be a nice compromise. It’s got a lower cost of living than any of the other major cities in New England without being totally isolated from the rest of New England. Then there’s the idea of living closer to my sister. Florida keeps coming up, and I have enjoyed my time visiting my sister and also my cousin. I’m not sure I would want to live in either of the areas that they live in, but the sandy, salty air that is prevalent all throughout the state is intoxicating. And last but not least, there is the ever-present appeal of the corn-fed wholesomeness of the midwest, specifically Iowa. Not sure what’s drawing me there, especially since I’ve never been there, but the thought will not leave my mind. Therefore, it is a thought worth exploring when the time comes to decide where to go.

It’s definitely food for thought, but for now I think I’ll focus on one thing at a time.

Yes, despite popular belief, I do have a personality. Gem has been encouraging FOGs (Friends of Gem) to see what their personality type is. I am an ISFJ, which means this:

I — Introverted: turned toward the inner world of symbols, ideals and forms. An introvert, or introverted type, is one whose dominant function is inwardly focused. Introverts are inclined to express themselves, using their primary function, indirectly, through inference and nuance.
S — Sensing: physiological perception; perceiving with the five natural senses. Extraverted sensors are attuned to the world of sights, sounds, smells, touches and tastes. Introverted sensors are most aware of how those perceptions compare with their ideal internal standards. In Jung’s typology, sensing is an irrational function. Sensing’s opposite is iNtuition.
F — Feeling: Making decisions from a personal perspective. In Jung’s typology, feeling is a rational function. Feeling’s opposite is Thinking.
J — Well, you just need to read this page to understand it a bit more.

I also got the same result from this test, so since internet based quizzes have never been known for their accuracy, I’d encourage you to do a few to see what the results are.

In other news, despite my relaxing week so far (actually, its been a lazy week), I’ve got some built up frustration and anger somewhere, so I need to get rid of that. I was chatting with a friend a little while ago online, and some of my anger is directed towards him, which it really shouldn’t be because he didn’t do anything really to deserve it. So rather than hitting him, I’m going to try and go out tomorrow to hit baseballs. Whenever I have this kind of pent-up energy I always feel the need to hit or throw something. Once, in college, I was angry and threw my keys towards the wall. They didn’t bounce off the wall, instead, they stuck in the wall. I was so upset that it didn’t even amuse me at the time, and it really scared my RA when she came in to see what was wrong. So I try to stay away from that kind of damage now, and heading to the batting cages might be just the thing. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Also, I finally got my above-mentioned friend to help me drag in the cabinet I bought. My desk area just doesn’t have enough storage space in it to really be effective, and because of this I constantly have a pile of stuff on the floor beside my desk. You can’t see the pile, but here’s the desk and mess on top of it:

So, what I’m going to do is move this bookshelf next to my desk:

Now, I know that I have the file cabinet next to the desk, but it’s on wheels so I think I’ll be fine just rolling it around to be out of my way. Also, I don’t go in the far side of my closet too often, so it’s not a huge inconvenience for that side to be blocked. So now there’s just the question of what I am going to put where the bookshelf was. I do need to put something there, since I do still need some sort of storage space, which studio apartments are notoriously lacking. I bought this at War-Mart:

I have the bottom cabinet and the 4-square cubby thing to put on top of it. I think that it will give me plenty of storage space. I won’t have to have my laundry stuff on display (yay!) and it will be a much better system for storage than I had before. I can’t wait to get started, and I even thought about starting it now, but I need to try and get back to daytime hours before my first day of work on Monday.

Oh, and I’m done v-cat (what I’m calling the xxxxxx Catalogues), my mix cd. I’ll post more on that later. I just need to fine tune one little thing, then I can burn them all. I hope to have them mailed out on Friday.

I am exhausted.
I have a headache and have had one off and on for nearly a week.
I had a burst of inspiration but now it’s gone.
I’ve been reading your blogs nearly every day.
I’ve not been in a talkative enough mood to comment.
I hear cats outside fighting.
I need to do laundry.
I need to clean my house.
I need to organize my desk.
I need more free time.
I need a job that pays better.
I need a job that will let me have a life.

I’m going back to bed now.

Photo courtesy internet search

And it’s just about out. I can’t do what I’ve been doing at security place long term. I’m just not cut out for that stuff. Like I’ve said before, I’m a paper person, a clerical worker. I mean, I know a lot of what I’ve been dealing with this past week stems from the disorganization of previous problems and the fact that I’m doing it pretty much all by myself without a clue as to how, but still. Will it get better? Somehow I don’t think so.

Yesterday I went into the office to finish payroll, and was there from about 12:30pm to 5:00am. The business being what it is, I had so many distractions and was sidetracked out of the office not once but twice - once to bring a guard to a site just to get it covered, because I couldn’t arrange transport with another patrol driver, and the second time to drive over 30 miles one way to help a patrol driver who had inadvertently gotten himself locked out of his truck. And of course trying to finish up payroll with all the knowledge that the two-minute tutorial I got has given me. And we can’t forget that I am a very concientious person, so I wanted to make sure that everything was correct to the best of my ability to ensure that payday (which is typically a mad zoo) goes as smoothly as possible. Grrr.

I have heard that the director’s position has been offered to me. That’s news to me, since no one has come up to me and said, Gee, I’d like to offer you the position. If that’s a taste of how good the communication is in that place, then I don’t want it. Also, being a huge proponent of efficiency and organization, I just don’t know if I could do it without screaming in frustration on a regular basis. I’ve known since the first minute I walked in there that efficiency and organization were not strong points that this company has. So, can I do the job? Yes. Would I be good at it? Most likely. Would I be happy? Probably not. Especially since I’m sitting home today, still burnt out on the place, avoiding it with everything I have. And I’m not even officially a director yet.

When I did go in yesterday, Dispatcher Guy, who is still trying to get me into the company he works for, asked me where the heck I have been. Apparently HR has been trying to call me and not getting through. I only have my cell phone, but it’s on all the time. I never ever turn it off unless I’m required to by say, a flight crew. Other than that it’s either on or just silent. And I have no issues getting voice mail, unless I’m out of range. Living in a large city such as this one, having no signal is not something I encounter on any regular basis, so getting messages is not something I have an issue with. Heck, I always get messages from my mother, and she’s in the middle of nowhere, New Hampshire. But yeah, I’d like to get into that company. It’s a large company, the pay is great, the benefits are great, and I hear it’s just an all around great company to work for. So why would I want to kill myself at security when I could have something better, even if the title isn’t as high?

Another reason for not wanting that job? It’s a black hole, as I’ve previously mentioned. Over the past month, mainly the time since I’ve been hired there, I’ve barely had time to do laundry, clean my house, or really do anything at my house except sleep, and even then I don’t have the time. I need to take care of me. I’m not getting any of that lately. Sure, I do have a social life - but that’s part of me holding on to my sanity as much as I can. But ME time? That I don’t have. I’m the kind of person who enjoys being able to come home and just chill. When the fuck was the last time I did that? I also know that I need a regular schedule, not this all over the map shit I’ve been doing lately. I need the same hours, and the same regularly scheduled time off. I’m so burnt that I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping, and as a result I have about 4 sheets of toilet paper left. I must go get toilet paper today.

I’ve also not had time to take care of things that really need doing, like my traffic school and fine stemming from the citation I got in September. The traffic school I can do online, which I am doing now, and that needs to be completed and the fine paid by 7:00am tomorrow. That’s 15 hours from now. No way in heck am I going to work tomrrow. Of course, I’d get this shit done a lot faster if I were not required by the fucking timer to spend so much time reading a certain page. The chapter I am on now is making me spend 41 minutes on it. I had it done in 4.1 minutes. All I can say is thank goodness for Firefox and tabs, so I can catch up on blogging at least.

Right now I just really need to withdraw, hide, and take some alone time to recuperate. I’m just feeling sick over not having that at all lately.

Gouda gave me a plug on her blog and mentioned that I am an extremely dedicated blogger. As if I didn’t already want to blog all day every day, now I know I have an audience that expects it. That’s ok though. If you want to meet Gouda, I recommend starting with the post where she introduces us to Huggy Bear, a classmate of her daughter.

My second day of work didn’t start out well. I was up half the night with acid reflux issues, and didn’t really want to go in this morning. A massive headache didn’t help either. I started out a bit bored, but by the end of the day (which was at 2pm, for reasons that will be mentioned in a moment) I was getting into the groove and had more to do. I’ll get used to this whole work thing sooner or later.

Now, I left work at 2 today to go and get my head shrunk. When I worked at my previous Job #1, this was rather easy as my head shrinker was just half a block away, so I could walk over in the middle of the day. Now, I work on the other side of town so I have to leave early to get there. I got there just in time for my 3pm appointment, but my head shrinker was running a bit late. I ended up taking a bit of a snooze in the waiting room, and woke up when her 4pm appointment arrived. She walked in a few minutes later, and after a quick negotiation she decided to take her 4pm for a shorter session, and I would go later. So, I napped a bit more and went in at 4:45 for a 45 minute session. Now, I was supposed to be at work at Job #2 at 5:30, which was impossible if I was still at my head shrinker’s then. But Shoe Boss is cool and had no issue with me being late, so I got my head shrunk, got to work, and now I am home.

I have a few more things to look up online before I hit the hay, since the next few days look to be pretty busy for me, especially with the holidays coming up. But don’t worry, I will be sure to blog about it.

I drove, didn’t necessarily clear my head but I did get some thinking done. Not sure I accomplished anything with this thinking, but it was needed nonetheless. As I was driving towards Mesquite, I remembered when I drove in to Las Vegas on that road for the very first time. I want to go back home, but there’s so much standing in my way. I can’t afford to go home, I have too much credit card debt and moving right now won’t do anything to help that. I have no savings to speak of. I’m in the middle of trying to find a new job right now, and there are two possible scenarios facing me right now. I’ll either get a job that pays similar to what I make now, which means I continue working 2 jobs just to keep my head above water. By the time I pay off my credit card and save enough to move back home, I’m an AARP member. Either that or I get a job that pays me enough to pay off the card quickly and save a decent amount of money, but then I won’t want to leave because a job with that kind of pay would be a great career move and I’ll want to milk it for everything it’s worth. I’m stuck, and I hate being stuck. Boo is getting baptized in just a few short hours. I miss being there for stuff like that. And my social life, after over 3 years is picking up and I want to meet people. True friends will be my friends no matter where in the world I go, but if I resign myself to moving soon then I don’t make any friends and live my last months in Vegas as a lonely and depressed person. I just don’t want to do that right now. I want to be social, I want to meet men and flirt. The Man, I really want to flirt with him but the way things have been going in his life I feel like if I do say something flirtatious I’ll be saying the totally wrong thing. I think I did the other night, and it bugged me. I thought we were when we first met, but right now we are so not on the same wavelength and I really want to be. I didn’t cry tonite on my drive. I haven’t really cried in a while, except for the day I turned in my resignation. I’m afraid to cry lately, I just can’t do it. For someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve, that is so not like me. I think it has to do with the anxiety. I used to be able to have a good healthy cry and let it all out, and be able to differentiate that from an anxiety attack. Ever since I started taking the Paxil I haven’t had a good healthy cry. I don’t like that. I’ve still had anxiety attacks since being on it, when I was oversleeping and running out the door wtihout taking it. At first I didn’t mind, but now I hate being on it. I just want to experience all my emotions again, and I don’t feel like I am. But the withdrawal. Oh man, if I had an attack after 2 days of forgetting then trying to go off completely is gonna suck. I’ve heard that from so many people that have taken it. But I’m gonna try, and I guess just pray a lot that I don’t have any attacks or other withdrawal symptoms. I split all my pills - my doc moved me up to 20mg a few months ago but I don’t think it really did a darn thing, so I split them all to 10mg. Then after this bottle I’ll take a 10mg every other day, since I can’t split the pills more than once. We’ll see how things go but after that I think I’ll just phase it out completely. I also think it contributed to my weight gain. I did so well when I moved here, I lost about 15lbs going to Curves, then I got a life here and worked too much and never really got back into the swing of it. I want to go back. The regular gym I hated and cancelled my membership. If I had more free time and of course more money I’d go back to Curves. I gained almost 20lbs since starting the Paxil last year and I’ve read online that weight gain can be one of the side effects. I just don’t want to be on any drugs - except the acid reflux one, but that’s ok because it’s not gonna mess with my head. Drama drama drama, I’m sure you all think it’s so dramatic. I don’t want it to be. I just went through a bout last year when I thought I needed it - I was depressed and it probably had to do more with my feeling stuck than anything else. I hate feeling stuck - have I ever mentioned that? I don’t like feeling like I can’t do what I want in this worled because I’m tied in by circumstances. I still want to go home, but I don’t want to feel like a failure. Blah blah blah, too much stream of consciousness writing here. It’s more the type of stuff I put in my journal, but I don’t journal much anymore. I prefer typing to writing. Besides, as tired as I am right now I don’t think I’ll write anything legible. At least here I’ll still be able to read what I put down.

I’m in a talkative mood again, though at the moment it might just be fatigue. Yes, The Man pissed me off by dumping me via text message. Whatever. I just want my bathing suit back, and I need to send him his book back. I liked him but as it had not been that long, I did not have very much emotionally invested in him. Too bad people like that don’t realize what a mistake they’re making when they pull shit like this. But know what? It’s not my problem. She’s his problem now. And from what little I know about it, he knows full well it’s a huge problem. I just hope he can face himself when things turn out the same in the end.

About an hour after I received that shitty text message, I received an email from a friend of mine. I had forwarded her my resume to help me look for a job, since she has lots of contacts in town. She indicated that she needs someone with my qualifications, and had me call her sales manager. The sales mgr is barely able to keep afloat with all the work she has to do, so it was suggested that I would be the perfect person to join her team. I talked to the sales mgr, who needed to leave a half hour before I called and sounded really frazzled, and suggested we set up a time to meet to discuss the job more in depth and make sure that there’s a chemistry match. But if this goes the way I think it will, I will soon be working for my friend. See, my current job I got because I met Mad Scientist at church. My friend that’s offering me the job is also a friend from church. People, people who need people. That was the first sermon I ever listed to Pastor Dave give, and the one that still resonates loudly with me today.

So much on my mind and so much to look forward too, but first, since I was a bit upset earlier today my stomach (or overly emotional brain) is telling me to pig out, so ramen and ice cream it is.

There are just so many changes going on in my life right now. I am actively looking for a new job. I had an interview today, and I think it went fairly well. It’s a government job, and the agency that it’s for is one that I have a bit of inside knowledge about through my current job, so hopefully that will give me a major edge over other candidates even though I have some doubts due to some of the questions I was asked today. Experience doing presentations? Experience with Access? Unfortunately, I have not yet had the opportunity to do that in my work so far. But, I am a quick study and eager to learn. Keep your fingers crossed for this one, because I really want it. It’s a significant amount of money more than I make now, but it’s also a secure career path with many opportunities for advancement.

My co-workers were interviewing people for my replacement today. It’s rather awkward. I mean, I know I’m leaving and they all say they don’t want to see me go, but I’m feeling really left out of everything. Even something simple like lunch plans. Hey, what are you doing for lunch today? We’re going to This Place, do you want anything? No, I’m rarely asked. Even if I never need anything or want/can go, I’d still like to be asked. Those sorts of things bother me more when I’m having low self esteem moments.

I’m having some self doubts about other areas of my life, but rather than wallow in them I’m just pushing forward. The days of me coming home to an empty apartment need to end. Remote Control, I love you but you can’t rule my life anymore. The Man has been out of contact today. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure if I should make anything of it. I mean, I’ve only known him a week. It’s been an incredible week, but I don’t know. I know he had a bad day yesterday. Is he taking a day off today? I’d like to know, but after Mr. Piercing Blue Eyes, I don’t have the patience for that kind of moodiness and non-communication. Mr. PBE’s brother once told me that PBE is worse than a woman with bad pms. I’m sorry, but as a woman who gets pms, I can’t deal with it in a man. But as far as The Man goes, if there’s anything else, then I’d just like to know. Tell me with something other than silence. Just tell me. I’d rather just hear it straight out than sit and wonder, and have the lengthening silence slowly bring me to my senses.

I feel big changes coming in my life, and not just with my job. I just feel a huge shake-up going on all over. My mom is moving to a town I had trouble finding on a map. Now when she talks of home I’ll only have the vaguest of ideas. My job is changing, and I’m feeling an insatiable need to change my social situation. Too much all at once and my brain is going beserk. Lots of incoherent thinking going on, lots to write about, lots to get out.

I haven’t eaten since 10:30am, and I’m famished. Time to cook dinner and relax a bit. Perhaps I’ll get some sleep tonite too. Been getting far too little of that lately.

I don’t know if everyone has that someone, but there is someone I still think about. A lot. It’s Mr. Piercing Blue Eyes who used to live across the hall from me when I lived back in MA. We hit it off right away; you can read a bit more about it here.

I don’t know why I still think about him. I made the decision to cut things off, friendship and all, and I still feel it was the right move. I don’t regret it. But I wanted more from him, which is why I cut it off in the first place. I could not go on being friends with him the whole time knowing I wanted more. He knew that too and didn’t do anything about it. Even after I told him I could no longer have him in my life because of this, he still didn’t do anything about it. I told him straight out that I wanted him to fight for me. I still do, maybe that’s why I still think about him. I’ve tried googling him to see what he’s up to, but it’s no use. He’s too smart about computers to be google-able. Through my job I have access to 2 major job boards, and I even searched for his resume there. He’s not currently looking for another job through those sources.

About a year after I moved out here, we had a conversation. See, because of the distance between us, all we had was talk and it allowed us to grow closer. The conversation was about that, and what we wanted. I never made any secrets about what I wanted, but he’s not so forthcoming. He needs to sit on it and think about it for a month or so. Finally, we talked. I don’t remember much else from that conversation, but he did say, regarding me dating other people, that I had to because I was out here. He said that if he was 90% sure about us being together and I’m out here, then I have to date other people because of the distance. If he was 90% sure about us and I was back there, he wouldn’t want me to date anyone else at all. So you can imagine how I took that. I began going for that last 10%. I wanted all of him. I honestly thought he was the one. I had never felt that way about anyone in my life, and I really wanted to be with him.

In sessions with my head-shrinker, I came to realize that he’s very non-communicative because when I do need to talk to him, it takes him a month to open up, and that’s with a lot of work on my part. He’s not as willing to compromise, which was evidenced by the fact that we always watched what he wanted when it came to movies or tv (I have never before or since watched a horror movie, only with him). I on the other hand did compromise a lot. He has a couple of kids, and I always said I did not want that at all, I do not want to be a stepmother. So I came to see how one-sided it was, that I was doing all the giving, and that he had to go.

I still have a few photos of him, but they’re on a disc of photos from my old computer. I burned the letters and everything else. I felt that burning was the only way to go. Throwing them in the trash wouldn’t have been as cathartic. And I still hope that I come home one day and see him waiting by my door, ready to fight for me. I don’t know what I’d do if he did actually do that. I guess it’s my version of the fairy tale. But I know I can’t live for that, that I need to live my life for me, and the right guy will come along, one who has all the qualities I want, including the willingness to show his love by fighting for me.

Every generation seems to have their moment. Where were you when Pearl Harbor was bombed? Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you when the Challenger Space Shuttle blew up? (I remember that one vividly.) And where were you on September 11, 2001?

It was a Tuesday, and I started my work day as usual at the graphic design firm. Just before 9am, my FedEx delivery guy came in and told me a plan hit one of the buildings at the World Trade Center. I was thinking it was a smaller plane, like when the Empire State Building got hit many decades ago. I went online to get the news, but was only finding one-line breaking news updates, since the news was so new. Then, after the rest of the office went into their morning meeting, Jules called from home (she was still on maternity leave) and wanted to speak to Joey. I told her she was in the meeting, and Jules told me that a plane hit the WTC. I said I knew about it. She said, no, it was another one, the other building, on live tv. I could not believe my ears. I was trying to get online to read the news, but every single website that had news was busy and I could not get on. ABC, NBC, CBS, even BBC, CBC, ABC Australia - all jammed. Couldn’t get on a single one.

I didn’t have a radio in my office, so I tried to get online to the local talk news station to stream their broadcast, but I couldn’t get that either. Then I just decided to stream my regular radio station. They were playing a few songs, then would update on the situation. One tower hit. Then another. Then the Pentagon. Then a tower fell. Then another plan was hijacked and on its way to Washington DC. Every time they updated the news, something else had happened. I felt like the whole world was coming to an end. I was really wishing we had some sort of tv reception or cable at the office so I could watch the news. Then around 10am, one of the bosses came in and told me we were closing. By this time my head was spinning. I lived alone and didn’t want to go home and make myself crazy watching the news all day, so I called my aunt and told her I was coming over.

As I left work and headed to my aunt’s house, I was listening to the radio. It was only mid-morning, but by this time very few stations were playing music anymore. One station played “Imagine” by John Lennon. I really feared I would not make it to my aunt’s house, that this was the apocolypse. The hardest thing was not knowing. I mean, I knew what was happening, but as someone who best processes information when it’s received visually, I still felt like I didn’t know. I needed to see the tv and see for myself.

The tv was on, alright. I went with my aunt to pick up Pickle from school. The schools allowed parents to pick their kids up, but encouraged leaving them there for a sense of normalcy. Pickle was just fine, his usual precocious self. The older kids came home on the bus in the afternoon and went to the living room to watch Nickelodeon or Disney Channel, the only 2 channels that still had regular programming. I stayed with my aunt and also went up to my Gram’s house. She knew the feeling of not knowing, the feelings of the family and friends of all the people who were in or near the towers, Pentagon, or other plans. She told me of when my grandfather was in the Navy, there was an explosion at the base. Gram knew about it, but that was it. It wasn’t until later that evening that someone showed up at the house where she was staying. He asked if she was Mrs. W, and she said yes. He said that Gramp told him to tell her that he’s ok. I can’t remember what the explosion was, I think it was a bomb fell off a truck or something like that, but it killed a bunch of people in my grandfather’s company. If he had been with them it would likely have killed him too, but he was in the hospital recovering from surgery to remove a cyst. It did knock him out of bed, though. Sitting with my Gram and listening to her was great - even when we’re just sitting there not saying anything, it’s very comforting to be in her presence. But I had to leave, as I had other plans.

Tuesday nights I always had standing plans with Officer Friend. We would always watch NYPD Blue - I’ve seen every episode, thanks to him. At the time he was only a part time police officer and worked as a full time maintenance director at the mall. The malls closed early that day, so Mrs. Friend was home too. She drove all the way there to find out the mall was closing when her shift was supposed to start. Blue obviously wasn’t on that night, so we decided to go out to eat. We called first to see if anything was open, and FruitBug’s Neighborhood Grill was, so that’s where we went. It wasn’t crowded at all, and the President was making his address on tv. The colors on the tv there were really bad, so it looked like W was an Oompa Loompa - he had orange skin and green hair. That was the first time I laughed all day. After dinner we went back to the Friend’s house, and I stayed as long as I could, but eventually had to go home. My brain was so full from everything that happened that day, and I really needed a diversion. The news was still on every single station, so I put it on the Cartoon Network or something like that just so I could sleep. Charlie Gibson was still on, reporting the news, and he does the morning show so I know he’d been on the air for something like 16 hours. Peter Jennings was getting tired too; his Canadian accent was coming out pretty thick.

The next few days were a bit of a haze for me as I was still digesting the reality of the whole situation. When I went to work at Job#2 that following Thursday (yes, I’ve often worked 2 jobs simultaneously), one of the other Key Bitches told me that I looked like I was in shock. I guess I was. I still couldn’t really think straight, but it was really slow that night so I didn’t have to. The next night, Friday, I went to the mall just to distract myself, but as I was walking in I came upon the 7:00 candlelight vigil that the nation had planned, so I joined in, right there in the parking lot. Someone handed out candles, and we stood silently for a bit then sang some songs - I think “God Bless America” was one. Then I wandered around the mall in a daze and drove home. It was on the way home that it hit me. I can’t remember what triggered it, maybe it was a song on the radio, but I just started crying. I cried so hard that I had to pull over for a few minutes to let it all out. It took me nearly 4 days to cry, to let it out. I walked around in shock all that time. Once I let it out, I felt better, but only in that I got my mind back.

In the month that followed, the already slowing economy ground to a screeching halt, especially in Massachusetts. I was laid off from my job at the graphics place, and Officer Friend lost his dad to a long illness. That upset me too, because it was the same illness that my wicked stepmother should have died from long ago, but instead it claimed a wonderful man and leaves the mega bitch to prolong all our suffering. I called my dad crying that morning, told him what happened, and started screaming out that it wasn’t fair. By the end of that week I was unemployed.

September 11, 2001 continues to have far reaching effects on the lives of each and every one of us, and will have for a very long time - just like the bombing of Pearl Harbor. No one can predict whether things will get better or worse, or what will be written in the history books about the times we live in now. All we can do is make the most of each day and enjoy the time we do have.

I was in NYC six months before that date. I had a bad cold (really bad - Uncle N Period was making fun of me because of the awful noises I made blowing my nose), but I managed to get downtown and visit the area. We went to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and of course the WTC and ate lunch on the concourse level before taking the PATH tubes back to NJ. I took this picture during that trip, as the ferry was leaving Ellis Island. At the time I took it, I figured it was yet another picture of the downtown NYC skyline, and put it away in a box with the rest of my “boring” photos. After 9/11, I dug furiously through my photo collection because I knew I had pictures of the WTC in there, and I found this one. I hope you enjoy it.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I wanted to be a professional organizer. I watched all the tv shows, studied the techniques, bought organizing books, frequented organizing websites, and learned all I could about starting my own business. I even started getting things going - I still have piles of business cards, I got a website (which I just cancelled), and I started the applications for business licensing. But then I realized I needed to take a step back. First of all, business licenses are expensive in this city, and I just didn’t have that much money. I wanted to do everything properly, so having a business on the sly wasn’t an option for me. Also, I realized exactly how much time and effort would have to be put into marketing, and I wasn’t about to quit my day job, so it would have been difficult to do all that after hours. And of course, since money was tight, I realized that I needed to get another job as it was, something that would provide me a steady and immediate income. Since it was to be a second job, it also had to be something I didn’t really have to think at, so I hit the mall. Those who read my blog know that I am still at that Job#2 at the shoestore.

With all the effort I put into working the 2 jobs, my interest in organizing has faded. I don’t watch organizing programs with the zeal that I once did. And I realized that I like the stability and security of working for someone else. As a single woman, trying to strike out on my own is pretty scary, at least as far as self employment goes. And one more thing was eating at me - I know I don’t want to stay in this town forever, so starting a business when I might be moving in a few years just didn’t seem practical. I just don’t want to put down any more roots here.

The option is still there for the future. I just might decide to make a go of it someday. But now is not that time. Now is the time for working hard, paying off my debts, and trying to figure out how to get out of this town before it eats me alive.

I’m getting that feeling again, the feeling of moving on. Of course, just like when this feeling first materialized, I’m not wanting to deal with all the logistics of moving - mainly, renting a truck and packing up everything I own. I’ve lived in Vegas for 3 years now, and I’m in my 3rd home since arriving here. I’m sick of moving, at least, sick of moving all the way too much crap that I own. So I fantasize about just packing up my car and taking only what fits. Problem with that is I have a small car, so it won’t go the way I would want it to. Plus, I’d have to get all those things again on the other end, the practical things one needs. I’d feel free by not having so many posessions, yet feel regret that I worked so hard to acquire the things I have only to get rid of them. There’s always the possibility of renting a tow-behind trailer, but I’d need a bigger car to do that. No way in heck my little 1.2 liter engine is gonna pull anything except my big butt over the Rockies.

I have approximately 10 months until my lease is up, so that’s 10 months to decide whether or not to act on this feeling, and if I do decide to act on it, 10 months to develop a plan of action. Otherwise I’ll renew the lease for another year and see what happens. But I think I’ll stay in my tiny studio apartment until I finally make up my mind to leave. I’m craving that slower pace, a more rural friendliness, more reality, less pretension, and of course a lower cost of living where I could realistically think about purchasing a house without selling my soul to the devil.

Someone suggested to me that changing scenery isn’t the answer to finding myself. I disagree. First of all, I know exactly who I am, so finding myself was never the issue. What I am looking for is a place to live that fits. When one is in a relationship with another person, if it doesn’t fit then the relationship is over. Often when entering a relationship is is not easy to know how things will transpire, and consequently people have many relationships and friendships that come and go over the course of their life. It’s the same way with where one lives. Very rarely will someone live in the same house for their entire lifetime. So when moving to a new home, who wrote the rule that it has to be in the same town, or an adjacent town? No one, to my knowledge. Part of life’s experiences are to see what’s out there, and I’m learning more about what I want and what kind of place will fit by being here in Las Vegas. I don’t totally hate it here. I appreciate all that this town has done for me. But I’ve known since the minute I set foot in this town that I wouldn’t be staying. Right now I have my overly pragmatic side at odds with my overly emotional side trying to figure out what my next move is.

I work as an administrative assistant. I like being an admin, but no one ever got rich doing it. I’m not looking to get rich or live the high life. My wages are decent for the job that I do, but not enough to afford my own apartment or even think about buying a home in this town. There are other parts of the country where having my own place is very realistic on the money I make, but Las Vegas isn’t one of those places.

Let’s do a little math:
Average household income in Las Vegas: ~$45,000
Average home price: ~$310,000

Now, if we take the old fashioned way - that is, before ARMs and creative financing - of figuring out how much house one can afford, it would be approximately 3x the annual income. So, $45K x 3 = $135,000. Something seems a bit off, doesn’t it? Even if I did find something in my price range, for rent or sale, I’m really not about to put myself on a fast track to bankruptcy just to have the kind of lifestyle I want. And if you’ve been reading my posts at all, then you’ll know that I’m really sure that the Vegas lifestyle is not what I want.

Here’s a little bit more about me - I am also an introvert. There is an excellent article that I came across online called “Caring for Your Introvert”. I’ve linked to it on the right. I think it’s important to understand that if you are reading all this about me. But don’t get me wrong, I do have a social life - I don’t want to be totally alone. I attend a great church with some really amazing people. I consider my job to be a lot of my social life, because I have so much fun with the people I work with. And I do have friends here. I enjoy a night out with my friends just as much as I enjoy a night in by myself. The key for me is to keep my social calendar light, because if I don’t get my alone time, trust me, no one will like me very much. If I don’t get my decompression time, the stress monster rears its ugly head. I try to make sure I have that balance. Those who know me know all this, those who don’t tend to criticize.

A little bit more on Las Vegas. I’m not bored here. There is a ton of stuff to do, even on an extremely tight budget like mine. But I’m not interested in doing most of that. Those who live here know that locals never go to the Strip unless they have visitors in town. I’m the same way. I didn’t move here to live the glitz and glamour of the casinos every night. I moved here for a change. I needed a change of pace. I needed to live somewhere different from where I was from, to have my own turf, to be anonymous. I found that. But Vegas is a fun-for-now kind of town. It’s not the kind of town where I want to put down roots, and like I said, I’ve known that since the minute I got here. It’s getting time for me to figure out my next move, so I decided to start this blog. I have a diary, and I’ve been keeping one for a long time, using it mostly to articulate my thoughts and figure things out. But this is fun too - fun for me. That’s what’s important, right? I really don’t care that this blog isn’t as entertaining as all the offerings of the Las Vegas Strip. If it was, then I could surely use my talents to make a heck of a lot more money than I am now. But I’m not interested in that. I’m just putting my thoughts down, and it doesn’t matter to me if it’s in a book that I hide in my room or in out there in cyberspace for all to see. This is just my way of getting through the decision making process, and I’m going to do it in whatever way works for me.