KirstenL4W

At last, the long-awaited post, the one in which I tell you all about my wedding. But first, let’s start with the onslaught of family.

Arrivals

My mom arrived in town the Wednesday prior, so I picked her up from the airport when I got done work. We drove to her hotel and I laughed hysterically at Mom’s passport photo as she was being checked in. We got up to her room, mom started unpacking and showing me the dresses she bought for the dinner and wedding, and we chatted a bit. I called the man who at this point was still FH to see if he wanted to join us for dinner, but as he had a previous commitment couldn’t make it, so Mom and I went to the um, buffet at her hotel (downtown hotels here generally don’t have the best dining selections, but Mom had a coupon). We had a barely palatable meal, then Mom and I parted at the elevators so I could go home and get some rest, since I did have to work the next day.

Thursday was uneventful since I had to work. Friday I was off, and my Dad was coming in, so I spent the morning finishing up some chores around the house and running a few errands before going to get Dad at the airport. He had left early and didn’t eat on the flight, so I figured he’d want lunch. He said he wasn’t too hungry, but quickly agreed that In N Out Burger would be a good choice for lunch. Dad hadn’t been to In N Out yet, since they don’t have any in Massachusetts, but he’s had to listen to me rave about it so I figured it was about time. We had lunch and continued on to his hotel.

(Side note: Google Maps is not always accurate when giving directions to the hotels here in town. For Mom’s hotel, I was thinking I’d valet park, but the directions brought me to a back alley and I ended up self parking. For Dad’s hotel, I don’t even know where I was being led, because his hotel is on Main Street and the directions brought me down a dead-end on 1st Street, 1 block south of where I needed to be.)

Anyway, I dropped Dad off and told him I’d pick him up at that same spot at 6:45 so we could all go to a “Meet the Parents” dinner that FH’s uncle graciously decided to host. On the way back home, I called Mom to tell her when and where I would pick her up. I went home, where FH and I started getting ready for this shindig.

Meet the Parents

This was not getting off to a good start. I took a quick shower to wash the 109°F sweat off my body, got dressed, put on some makeup, actually did something with my hair, and left to pick up my parents. A few miles from the house, I realized I had forgotten something. Something important. My engagement ring had been left on the bathroom counter. I took it off to keep it from getting all lotion-y when I put lotion on my legs, and in my nervous haste forgot to put it back on. I put in a panicked call to FH, who looked for it but said he didn’t see it anywhere and that we would probably have to take the drain apart when we got home later that night. Great. Just what I need - to lose my e-ring the night before my wedding. Just breathe.

I got to the designated meeting spot and saw my Dad right away. My Mom said she’d be waiting with my uncles, who flew in Thursday, but I didn’t see her. I pulled over to wait for Mom and saw my uncles walking towards me, with my mom off by the sidewalk looking around in vain. I greeted my uncles, gave N. the collection of foreign stamps that I am easily able to collect at work, and greeted my Mom, who had finally figured out that I had arrived and came over to where I was.

We drove from downtown Vegas to the Four Seasons, which is in a leafy, semi-hidden area next door to Mandalay Bay. FH’s uncle had chosen Charlie Palmer’s Steakhouse for dinner, so it looked to be a good meal. My folks and I looked to be the first ones there, so we waited in the lobby. FH arrived shortly afterwards, sweating bullets because the air conditioning in his truck just died. Wonderful. No matter, the a/c at the hotel and restaurant worked just fine. Anyway, FH walked in, introductions were done and we chatted for a few minutes before heading into the restaurant, where we met our hosts, FH’s uncle and his wife, and FH’s parents. Introductions, a bit of chit chat, and a little embarrassment.

What’s that? Oh, yes, you heard me right. Right after the introductions and pleasantries, FH made me tell everyone what I called him about on my way over there. So I had to tell my future in-laws how I had misplaced my engagement ring. While I was telling this, FH had taken his keys out of his pocket to give his dad a key to a toolbox he had stored up there. Turns out he had something else on that keychain too. Yes, he found my ring, but faked me out about it. I know him well enough to know that in a situation like that, he wouldn’t let me get off so easy, so I knew it was a possibility that he had found it and hadn’t said anything to me, which is what ended up happening.

We got to our table, and FH’s uncle sat at the head of the table. He instructed me to sit next to him and FH’s mother to sit on the other side, so she was across from me. FH had warned me about this - The Inquisition. This was the first time that FH and I had met each other’s families, and his family wanted to know what sort of woman he was brining in. There were questions about what I did, how long I had lived in Vegas, how we met, my family, and some other topics of conversation. I didn’t feel put on the spot at all, and I didn’t feel that anyone was displeased with me, so I thought it went well, and FH felt the same way. Three hours later, we wrapped things up and said our goodbyes for the evening.

Getting Ready

I swear, I have not had such a good night’s sleep in a very long time. The night before my wedding, I slept a solid 8-9 hours and woke up feeling calm and refreshed. It is definitely the ideal way to start your wedding day. FH and I got up, relaxed a bit, checked some email, and went out to run a few errands. We had to drop the favors off at the reception restaurant, put gas in the car, and we decided to get some lunch while we were out. I think there was some other errand in there, but I can’t remember now. The restaurant told us that our cake had already arrived and that they were ready for us later in the evening.

After our errands, we went back to the house to relax a bit. Quite honestly, I could have used a nap right about then, but time was not on my side. I planned on getting in the shower with plenty of time to dilly dally as I got ready, and though I didn’t have enough time to dilly dally, we weren’t late. FH had to help me get dressed, because I wore a custom-made corset and he’s the only one I know who can lace one properly. I wasn’t worried at all about him seeing me before the wedding - I mean, come on. We live together already.

Once we put on our wedding finery, it was time to go. The camera case, a change of clothes, and a few other incidentals went in the car and we were off to The Little Church of the West.

The Wedding

We arrived at the chapel in my Ford Focus hatchback (excellent wedding transportation, btw, if you are driving yourself and not wearing a full hoop skirt) and saw that my parents and uncles were already there. We quickly said hello and went into the office to register. The thing about Vegas weddings is that there are LOTS of them. I figure there were at least 6 other couples and their parties on the grounds while we were there, and that was a slow day. These chapels are really good at “get ‘em in, get’ em married, get ‘em out.” CTG can back me up on that one! Anyway, they were efficient, patient with a bit of disorganization and some frazzled nerves, and did a great job.

Once we registered and got our flowers, it was back outside to mingle with our friends and family while we waited. People arrived about every 5 minutes, so I think we were able to get everyone introduced. Finally, it was our turn and we were led up around the back of the chapel to take a few pictures before heading in. Everyone went in ahead while I made one last adjustment to my veil and took Dad’s arm.

The music started to play, Kaila, my maid of honor, walked ahead, then it was our turn. I wasn’t as aware of everyone staring at me as I thought I would be. That was probably the single biggest thing freaking me out before the wedding, since I’m not the kind of person who likes everyone staring. But the chapel was small, the walk was short, and before I knew it, it felt like me and the wonderful man I was there to marry. Everyone else seemed to disappear.

The pastor started to talk, and I presume he was making some sort of speech on love and what it meant to join in marriage and all that. I don’t remember. I do remember, however, my groom telling me I had a big booger hanging out of my nose. Then he started flaring his nostrils. If he was trying to keep me from crying, it worked. I had to fight to keep from laughing. He continued on, telling me that Kaila, who was standing behind me, was losing it. I pictured her with her eyes all red and puffy and trying to keep from bawling. It was hard to keep my composure.

Finally we got to the vows. My groom deliberately appeared to be thinking this decision over before answering, which was quite funny because he reacted to every line with a different “thinking” face. I didn’t have to think about it at all and answered very quickly. Then the rings, which was relatively uneventful except mine didn’t slip on as easily because my fingers swell in the heat. Then it was done. The pastor announced us husband and wife, and I got a quick peck on the lips. Mister got chided for that, and after a bit of protesting that he wanted more privacy for anything more risqué, he gave me a longer kiss and everyone clapped.

Introducing Mr. and Mrs. KirstenL4W!

Woohoo! We’re married! Ok, for the purposed of this blog and Mister’s privacy I announced it that way, but I’m a traditional girl and I am taking his name. I mean, I got to move up the alphabet, right?

Anyway, immediately after the ceremony the chapel people kicked all the guests out except for the wedding party so they could take pictures. A few pics with the wedding party, and they our attendants were given the boot too. The photographer does dozens of these things a day, so he knew exactly what poses to do and how to get it done quickly. I only blinked in one! Mister hates having his picture taken or shown, but he graciously agreed to let me show you one, so this is all you get:

The Reception

After the wedding, we were having a reception at one of our favorite restaurants, an authentic New York style Italian neighborhood restaurant. All the guests got postcards with the directions, so we headed out. By the time we got there, a few of our friends had already arrived, and more and more people were arriving. In all we had about 30 people in attendance, which I think is big enough to have a proper party but small enough to keep it intimate. We also cut out a lot, like the dorky dances and throwing the bouquet, but I did toss the bouquet to a friend of ours who is planning a wedding for late next year.

We decided to do the cake and toast part before the meal, since it was getting late and we knew that some people had early flights out the next morning. Tom, the owner of the restaurant, brought our cake out and made sure that everyone had champagne. Tor, the best man, made a lovely toast, then Mister and I fed each other a bite of cake. No cake smashed in the face for us, we were going to be civil about this. Oh, and the cake? It was gorgeous, and topped by an awesome topper made by my friend Pollyhyper (yes, she does custom orders)

After the cake, everyone ordered dinner and Mister and I tried to divide our time between everyone, but even with a tiny reception of only 30 people, it was hard to give everyone an equal amount of attention. In the end, it all went very well and we were very tired by the time it was over! I got a lot of comments on how much my mom can talk (she has a blog, and it would be great if she could type as much as she talks) and how wonderful everything was. Mister and I then got home and totally collapsed in bed.

So there ya go - my wedding story. These are the only pictures that are public, at Mister’s request, so you have to be on my Flickr friends list to see the rest, and I don’t friend just anyone. You can always send me a request and see if I reciprocate, just let me know who you are. My fingers are tired now, so enjoy.

Well hey there, it’s a computer!  Let’s see, we put this wire into this plug, and that cord into that hole, and push the button…. it works!  Hallelujah, it’s a miracle!

So I got my computer hooked up and back online.  And not the vile Vista laptop.  Ok, I shouldn’t talk smack about it like that - it kept me online when I had no other way.  But now, I am on my computer, my beloved desktop PC, with all my files and music and good stuff like that.  And wires.  My goodness, this thing has a lot of wires.  The electrical spaghetti beneath my desk is astounding.  My next computer will definitely be an iMac, because they are sleek, and with wireless technology the only wire you absolutely need for it is the power.  One single wire.  Oh, how I long for the simplicity of it all.

But I digress.  Now that I have my PC unpacked, FH is playing WOW again, and we are settling into our new home, I anticipate having much more time to blog and be blogged.  There is still more unpacking to do, more stuff to buy, and oh yeah, a wedding coming up, but I’m happy that I can finally get back to my PC.  Don’t forget, it’s not just that I haven’t been online the past few weeks - the entire year that FH and I lived in that tiny, 1-bedroom apartment, my computer was in the bedroom and FH’s in the living room, and since I like spending time with him I spent my time in the living room, using the laptop to keep caught up and keep myself alive as far at the world wide interwebs are concerned.  I do have files on the laptop that need to be moved, but that’s nothing a flash drive can’t take care of.  For now, I’m happy to be home.  Home on my computer, and home in the home that FH and I are making for ourselves.  He’s here in the office (a room dedicated to wasting time with computers!) with me, playing WOW, and I can still reach out and touch him if I want to.

Life is good.

Boyfriend and I went out this afternoon. We were going to meet a realtor because we are looking to buy a house. We met at a home we had seen online, and it was a bit of a dump. But had it been a lot nicer we might have been interested, because the layout was more or less decent. The realtor has an idea of what we are lookng for, and she’ll be selecting some properties for us to look at next weekend.

After looking at this house, we were heading out to get some lunch. It was absolutely gorgeous out today, so we weren’t picky about cuisine. I wanted to eat somewhere that had an outside patio, but I couldn’t think of anything. Boyfriend suggested the pub near the airport. There’s an outside patio that overlooks the runways, and even though the service usually sucks, we enjoy it because we get to watch planes.

On the way there, Boyfriend started telling me that he’s been thinking a lot lately. He said that every so often something happens that makes one change their mind on something they thought they were sure of. Gee, a conversation like that can go in several different directions. But he started talking about how we have been together for just about a year now, and that we are looking at buying a house together, and that he was thinking that he’d like to marry me. Or something like that, I don’t remember the exact words. Of course I said yes. He said, “Yes what?” I said, “Yes, I’d like to get married.” He said, “Ok, so we need to find some guy for you to marry!” Then I said, “Yes, I’d like to marry YOU!” Of course I cried and did the waving my hand thing that girls do when they’re so excited they’re crying, and Boyfriend couldn’t understand why I was crying, cuz he’s a guy and guys don’t do that sort of thing.

He didn’t have a ring, because with my tiny little fingers he wasn’t sure what would fit or look good on my hand, and I’ll be honest, it doesn’t take much to overwhelm my long, slim fingers. So after lunch we went to the jewelry store and picked out this:

Isn’t it pretty? I wanted something somewhat simple but not plain, and I was really liking the idea of a gemstone rather than a diamond. Plus the setting for the stone doesn’t stick out too high, so it won’t get in the way. We haven’t made any plans yet, but we have an idea of what we want.

I called my mother to tell her, and Mommy had to make sure that I said that I am GETTING married, not GOT married (I do live in Vegas, you know). Then I called my dad, and he said congrats. I talked to my nephew, who said, “That sounds good.” After that I called my sister, who asked if I was going to wear a white dress or not try and fool anyone and wear something else. Silly Sis.

So that’s the news for now. I need to figure out what to eat for dinner since the time change threw me off and I didn’t realize it was so late! I’ll keep you all posted on the plans.

Photo © Richard Young Photography
So, here it is New Year’s Eve. I have just under 12 hours left for this year, and I’m tying to get it all done. Today is house cleaning day. Never mind that I haven’t started yet, or that there’s partying to be done tonite. And of course since Boyfriend and I are partying with our East Coast friends, that means midnight is at 9pm PST, when the ball drops in New York, so no showing up at this New Year’s party at 11pm.Yes, today is house cleaning day - an activity that I admit gets neglected until it drives me bonkers. And it’s junk food eating day. I think there’s some sort of law or something that says that everyone must make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight and/or eat better. Boyfriend and I have that one in mind, which means that we have a lot of junk food to finish off today.

Since I already did my yearly wrap-up with my Christmas Post, I’ll blog about what’s ahead for 2008.

The Blog:
I have made the decision to switch to WP. Once I get paid (since this is the week without a paycheck as I switch from weekly to bi-weekly pay) I’ll get that part done. I can’t wait! It will be so exciting to do all the things I want to with my blog since I’ll be able to create different pages. My head is spinning with thoughts of all the possibilities!

The Job:
As you know, I’ve been at my job for 6 months now, and I recently got hired on permanently, which means I can take advantage of their benefits. I’d like to go back to school and study accounting, which is something I realized I actually like (not like when I took it way back when). This is a course of study that can take me anywhere, and I can take advantage of my education immediately since I’m already in the finance department of Big Company. With that in motion, there’s nowhere to go but up!

The Boyfriend:
Since I met him, my life has been better than I ever imagined it could. Sure, Aunt Flo steps in every month to try and tell me otherwise, but she can take a flying leap for all I care. Boyfriend is awesome, and we are going to continue that so in love it makes you sick thing through 2008 and beyond.

The Personal Miscellany:
I gained a ton of weight on prescription anti-depressants, which I finally was able to ween myself off of last spring. I haven’t been able to kick the weight though, and motivation has been in short supply. Personal and job upheaval hasn’t helped. Now that things are steadier, and they have the WW Cult at work, I should be able to find the motivation to stick to it. I haven’t needed the meds either, instead choosing vitamins which, except for Aunt Flo’s interference, have worked quite well. I’ll have my health insurance in effect April 1, which will be great because I’ve put off going to the doctor for well visits, so this will be the year to get healthy all around.

I also want to get more organized. Boyfriend and I have a 1 bedroom apartment, so it’s been really cramped since I moved in. We don’t know if we’re ready to buy a house or just move into a 2 bedroom. Either way, I want to get my stuff out of the garage. Yesterday I cleaned out my email and cleaned up some of my music, but I want results I can see. Over the next month I hope to organize my desk area and at least unpack the rest of my books so that the bookshelf isn’t so empty. That’s about 10 boxes of stuff that already has a home, and will give me a good sense of accomplishment. I’d like this next year to be more organized and less cluttered, not just with my material things but with my life overall.

I hope all of you have a very safe New Year’s Eve, and here’s to a Great 2008! Cheers!

I have to say that this Christmas was the best one I’ve had since I moved here to Vegas 4 1/2 years ago. Having Boyfriend to lavish love, affection, and gifts on was a huge part of that. I finally finished his stocking, which turned out quite nice (if you don’t look at the stitches). It’s in his favorite colors - the main stocking is black velvet and it’s hung by a red velvet ribbon. It’s also quite a bit bigger than a regular stocking, which is also something that he enjoyed. “I wish I had a stocking like this when I was a kid - it’s bottomless!” he exclaimed. To give the illusion of Santa, I woke up before dawn and filled it with some yummy foods, a jacks and ball set, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Two-Disc Special Edition), which Boyfriend is watching right now. I also got him a new blender, which he’s been saying he wanted, a tin and calendar featuring the art of Michael Godard, and a character portrait based on his astrological chart from Equinox. I got one when I was in London about 10 years ago, and it was quite good. Boyfriend thinks his is pretty decent too.

I made out pretty well, too. First of all, my family back east sent me loads of junk food - Tastykakes, Drake’s Cakes, and my mom even sent me a whole pan of squares! I am so gonna need to go back to Curves when this is all over.

Boyfriend gave me some pretty decent stocking stuffers - candy, fun party-favor type toys like tops and wind-up toys, some Burt’s Bees goodies, and a new travel alarm clock since mine is barely hanging on. I also got a magazine subscription that I’ve been wanting, A Winter’s Night: Best of Christmas CD, Mr. Bean’s Holiday (Widescreen Edition), and Absolutely Fabulous - White Box, which was the last CD I needed to complete my AbFab collection. I also got a lovely, luxurious spa-like bathrobe, which was also on my list because my cotton jersey one wasn’t doing it for me anymore.

My mom really loved the craft I made for her. It’s titled Memories of Home and Family. I wanted to capture some of the things that symbolize NH to me, and of course include my nieces and nephew, whom I love so much and really miss. My mom said it was her favorite present and made her cry.

We went to dinner at a friend’s house last night, which had the traditional turkey and ravioli (yes, Christmas dinner served by a real New York Italian!) and had a lovely evening in the company of friends. All in all, it was an excellent Christmas.

I hope all of you got what you wanted, and (as the card my mom sent says) want what you got. Merry Christmas!

An extremely inebriated me, courtesy of Boyfriend’s birthday present of Grey Goose Vodka. Boyfriend keeps laughing at me for some odd reason. Anyway…

I went into work feeling pretty good today. First of all, it’s Friday, so that in itself is a good thing. Plus, I was still high from the success of Boyfriend’s birthday celebration last night. Yes, his birthday was yesterday, but I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. I still managed to pull it off. I’ll detail that in another post, though - hopefully tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m at work, doing the menial shit that I do, and something happens to burst my bubble. On the one hand, I like my job because I do mindless busy work all day. I’m very good at mindless busy work, and it’s very low stress. On the other hand, I have to deal with my superiors who I feel don’t really know my full value. I am constantly questioned about how much work I have to do and how I’m keeping up with it. Here’s a hint - my inbox is empty. I always have things that people ask for - if I couldn’t produce these things, I wouldn’t be doing my job. It’s that simple. My desk is not a mess. So what’s the problem? Apparently, because I am in a clerical position, I am not supposed to have an IQ of over 80. Now, I’ve not been professionally evaluated, but various online quizzes, both simple and in-depth, put my IQ at around 125. So it’s not that I’m overqualified for my job. Well, maybe just a little bit. But I’m way over intelligent for my job. This is where the problem lies.

I have never really been in a job that I haven’t done extremely well at. But I also haven’t really been in a job that I’ve been really passionate about. Talking with most people, Boyfriend included, I get the idea that it doesn’t matter so much about what the job is or how much I like it, as long as the paycheck has lots of zeros on it I should be happy. Well, that’s not me. I want enough to pay the bills, sure, and enough to do a few things outside of work that I want to do, like eat and maybe buy a CD once in awhile, but the paycheck is not what I live for. Think about it. If I’m going to spend most of my waking time working, shouldn’t I enjoy that work? Shouldn’t I get some sort of satisfaction from that job beyond my bank deposits? I think so. So why is it that despite the fact that I am good at nearly everything I have tried thus far, I do not like most of it?

Take retail, for example. Retail jobs vary wildly in what is being sold and the clientele that the product or service is being sold to. I know that I do not care at all for commission positions. No matter how much I like the product, knowing that there are quotas that I need to meet kind of kill the passion for me. But knowing my product, knowing it well and enjoying it to some degree are all things I like, as are making the customer happy with that knowledge. But everyone knows that retail hours suck, as does the pay. Unless you are in management, in which case you get much better money and way more regular hours, but you don’t get to work with the customers as much unless you are the last ditch effort to placate them. So that kills retail for the most part.

I got burned out on retail, so I decided to get into office work. I started with a temp agency and kinda floated my way around the admin assistant world, where I still wander aimlessly. I like admin work to a certain degree. I like being the indespensible person who is the “glue that holds the office together.” (I think one of my old bosses said that once, when I worked for a graphic design firm.) I like being the one, a la Jennifer on WKRP in Cincinnati, who doesn’t seem to do much of anything but has the office totally fall apart when not there.

I also noticed that I like being in a somewhat creative environment, which allows me to be my regular wacky (though somewhat closeted wacky) self. I wrote about more creative desires a few months back. My feelings haven’t changed much. I still have very creative inspirations, however pent-up they may be. I have creative desires, though I don’t know much what I want to do with them. I like fabrics, because it’s a very tactile thing. I would love to sew my own clothes and have everyone ask who the designer is - not be that person who looks so obvious that they only know one pattern when they sew their own stuff. I like paper crafts - not scrapbookking so much, because those who know me know how I feel about jumping on the popularity bandwagon. I feel more drawn to cardmaking and collage stuff. I like little bits and bobs, and scraps of stuff and imagining how they will all go together - and this is where I get stuck. I can’t quite seem to turn the ideas that are in my head into a tangible object that someone might actually want, and maybe, just maybe, even want to pay money for.

Right now I am working in the finance department of a big company, whose name and industry shall remain nameless for the sake of my job security. I am a clerk. Myself and one other clerk that I work closely with are the lowest common denominators in the entire finance department, as far as I can tell. Everyone else does actual finance stuff. I am still there on a temp-to-perm basis, and going perm would be nice. The company has good benefits of which I would like to take advantage. They have educational reimbursement, and ever since the hell of setting up a company in Quickbooks, like I did in my previous job despite the lack of any accounting education or real experience, I found that accounting would be a safe and practical vocation to get into. So the plan is to stay where I’m at, get shit on daily, and eventually get hired so I can actually take advantage of their benefits. I’ll get my accounting degree on their dime, already have my foot in the door and be friends with everyone in the department so I can learn as much as possible, and then, um, do something with the degree. Not sure yet. Accounting bored me silly in college, but that was all classroom and no practical experience. Now I find I am good at it when I can put it into practice, and like it ok, but there are so many facets to accounting. Cost? A/P? A/R? Corporate taxes? Personal taxes? Audit? Revenue? General Ledger? Which one do I choose and why? Do I fall into one because the job is offered or will one of those actually hit me in the head and say, “Hey, shithead, THIS is the facet of the accounting world that you will excel at, be deliriously happy at, and make lots of money at!” I just don’t see that happening. So how do I get myself psyched up for that kind of career?

I read at Aurelius’s New Direction today a post entitled What’s Your Specialty? I swear, someone out there is reading my mind, or at least living a parallel life to mine. I have not specialized in anything. I started working retail because that’s what most kids in high school and college do to earn some cash. It was ok, and I stayed at it even after I graduated college. College, by the way, was a study in existence rather that goal-achieving. I started out as a candidate for an assiociate’s degree in interior design, based on my monthly spending on interior decorating magazines and books and lack of spending on fashion magazines. I drank too much first semsester and stumbled around a bit. Second semester, I decided to major in the only class I passed - business. Small business management, to be exact. Good skills to have, if you know what kind of business you want to run. But along with business came balance sheet and accounting stuff that I couldn’t grasp as long as it was conceptual and not practical. So after bullshitting my way through an English Lit final, I convinced myself along with the professor that I wanted to be an English teacher. I finished up my last two semester of the two-year college as a Liberal Arts major, transferred to a four-year school as a double English/education major, and all of a sudden - I felt like I was in the wrong life. So very wrong, it was overwhelming and my life had taken on this echo-like outside looking in feeling, like I had been reincarnated in the wrong life. So I quit school and continued on with my supermarket retail life.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. How the hell do you people do it, day in and day out? Are you passionate about your jobs, or more passionate about the paychecks? I have a theory that people who bring home the bacon in a big way do actually really like what they do. Either that or they like being a miserable, backstabbing ass just so they can get ahead in whatever their mind determines to be ahead, but that’s not me. I want to be happy. I just haven’t figured out how to do that, at least career-wise, without losing what I already have. I can’t afford to take a step backwards. I still have bills to pay. I want to really enjoy my time at work as much as I enjoy my time off work, and I don’t want to do that with any mind-numbing, zen like exercises that my Dad taught me, the same ones he uses to deal with my stepmother and other idiots in his life. No, I want organic on the job happiness, enough of a paycheck to live off of and be able to adequately enjoy my off time, and perhaps another drink.

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A wonderful boyfriend. Memories of heartache. A blog post. Birthdays. Stress about the car. All these things and more brought about the feeling, and decision, that I wanted to go back home to New England. I told Boyfriend, through tears, what I wanted to do. He was willing to give me whatever it takes for me to be happy. Then I went to bed, and the overwhelming thought that I had made a mistake came over me. I couldn’t help but think, “What the hell have I done?”

I journaled about it, and what came out of my pen surprised me. I mean, I knew I was having these thoughts, but the way they came out on paper surprised me. I talked to Boyfriend some more. He really is wonderful. He didn’t want me to go, but he didn’t stand in my way if that’s what I really wanted. So I thought a lot, about a lot of things. Why I came here and everything that’s happened since I’ve been here.

I came here, simply, because I always wanted to move far away. It was something I’ve wanted ever since I was a kid in school, and we’d get a new student who came from far away. I wanted to be that kid, but it never happened. In a more abstract, overthinking sort of way, I wanted to be closer to me. I come from an area where my family is well known, and they all live very close to each other (think walking distance). Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Knowing lots of people and everyone knowing you can be very advantageous, and having everyone so close means you never miss a birthday, cookout, holiday or other gathering. But I had become the person that everyone wanted me to be, and it pleased everyone but me. I had this idea of a person inside my head that I was, that I wanted to be, and being away from everyone and totally on my own allowed me to be a lot closer to that person. Moving away allowed me to become closer to myself, to know myself better, and to show the world who I am.

I still miss everyone. I miss being there for holidays. I traveled home as often as I could, but it wasn’t enough. This August is the first time that I won’t be there to celebrate Messy J and Bubba’s birthdays. Bubba misses me too much. He’s turning 14 on Tuesday and though he won’t admit it, he really likes having his Aunty around. He’s a great kid, and I miss having him around too. Messy J is just adorable, and I miss being there for her and being silly with her. It would be easier to be away if I didn’t have such an amazing family, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Boyfriend is also amazing. He put aside his own feelings to let me talk through this, and he is so great at listening. So good, in fact, that after yesterday’s session with my head shrinker I realized that I get so much more out of talking with Boyfriend, and head shrinker and I are not on the same page anymore. So I didn’t make another appointment with her, but I also walked out knowing that what I have with Boyfriend is so amazing, that I can’t give that up. I tried by telling him I wanted to go home. And I realized that why I said I wanted to go home all came down to me not totally opening myself up and giving my all to this relationship. See, in the game of love, I had been hurt before.

The last significant relationship I had was one that saw the hurt dragging on much longer than it should have. I fell deeper and was hurt more than ever before, and my insistence on trying to work it out and staying friends (with the intention of it picking back up again someday) kept a certain level of heartache in my life, because I refused to see that it would never happen. Eventually, I cut my losses and was better for it. But I was also determined to never get hurt like that again. So I built my life, alone and was content with that. Content. Not necessarily happy, but that’s where my walls were. In refusing to allow myself to be hurt again, I was also refusing to allow myself to be happy. As wonderful as Boyfriend is, I kept thinking that it wasn’t going to last, because everything ends, right? I actually had myself convinced that I was better off alone, because with all those walls built up I could control everything, down to my emotions. I started focusing on what I didn’t have with him that I had when I was alone, but in the end I realized that I had so, so much more than I had given up. To be able to eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting while watching sappy chick flicks can still be had - when Boyfriend goes away on a business trip. I’m not giving anything up by being with him.

Boyfriend finally came out and said he thought that I was making a mistake. He said I was unhappy enough to leave New England in the first place, and if I went back I’d be miserable. I know he’s right. I pictured myself living at my mom’s house, feeling dejected, like I had failed in my attempt to leave home and be happy. I wouldn’t be going home with a new sense of purpose and a fresh outlook on life, like Macoosh decided this week. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to go home knowing I left a good life and a great Boyfriend. I didn’t want to go away from anything, and although I have my family and friends there, they’ll always be my family and friends no matter where in the world we are. So I wasn’t going to them. I wasn’t going to anything. So I’m going to stay here, in a place where I have so much more than I could ever have imagined.

…Birthday! Two people who I adore are celebrating birthdays, and they both happen to be redheads. First of all is my niece Messy J, who turned 8 today. Happy Birthday Messy J! Aunty misses you and I hope you like the present I sent you. Hugs and kisses!

← Messy J on her First Birthday

And of course Happy Birthday to one of my best blogging friends - Macoosh!!! With your family visiting and you looking forward to another great year of studies in Ireland, I know you’ll have a wicked awesome birthday and a fabulous year.

Happy….not so much about my car. When we tried to go out Friday night, just a week after getting it out of the shop and a few hours after getting home from work, my car would not start. Boyfriend and I went to the auto parts store to get a new battery, because Boyfriend said it needed a new battery (he’s like, really smart about cars and stuff), so we put the battery in and… Nothing. Well, I got the dash lights and stuff, which were brighter than before, and the door open chime was livelier than ever, but the engine did not turn over. Tomorrow morning I need to call my new BFF Bill at Ford Country and make a date with him. After that, you should be hearing from me a bit more often because I have a few posts saved in draft mode just for you.

One can only hope. After a hectic week and weekend, things should be settling down a bit. I have not had much time alone with Boyfriend since we got together. First he was away on business and this past week, along with the weekends that bookend the week, for a grand total of 10 days, he has had house guests from out of town. Add to that all the things we had going on this week - my concert, his concert, a mutual friend’s birthday, etc., and we are exhausted. It will be so nice to sit and do nothing together tonight. And, there is the strong possibility for thunderstorms forecast for today, so sitting with his arms around me during a thunderstorm will be even better.

Despite all the busyness, guests and crazy schedules, things have been going very, very well with Boyfriend. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Just wanna know ya
Just wanna talk to ya
I wanna hear about your day
I’d never leave ya
Never be mean to ya
I’d always let you get your way

Something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing’s gonna happen today

- Something Good by Bic Runga

There are just not enough words in the English language (nor any other language that I have limited ability to communicate in) to describe how I feel right now. But I do feel good.

That is all.