KirstenL4W

The Aussie Blogger’s Blog came out with a great new blogging tool - the Lazy Blogger’s Post Generator.  There’s lots of options for coming up with a post.  Here’s what I got:

Holy Snapping Duck Do! I just got a bajillion whiny emails saying I have not updated this since Hammertime was in the charts… You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. I hope you still love me!.

I will try to remember I promised you if one more person emails me to ask why I haven’t posted today I will start posting pictures of toe fungus, or fecal murals. Seriously! What do you mean you don’t believe me?

If you want to post, and don’t know what to say, head over to the Lazy Blogger’s Post Generator today!  And while you’re at it, check out the Aussie Blogger’s Blog and the Aussie Blogger’s Forum.  You don’t even have to be Australian or pretend to like vegemite, you just have to like blogging.

This is freaking hilarious, especially considering the recent electronics issues I’ve been having (which, btw, I think I’ve fixed, at least on the laptop.  Hello updated driver!)

Go to Jen’s Blog to view this - she’s the one who sent it to me.  It’s not a YouTube video so I don’t know how to properly embed it.  Alternatively, you can go here to see it directly.  And don’t worry, it’s safe for work and non-offensive, unless you have issues with office machine abuse.

Last night Boyfriend and I went out to eat. The restaurant wasn’t very crowded, but there was a couple seated in the booth next to us. The woman was very loud, almost as if she was talking to someone who was hard of hearing. The man barely spoke. The conversation was unremarkable until the woman started talking about medicine. She talked in great detail of a colonoscopy she recently had, and talked about all sorts of other tests she had. Gallbladder, kidneys, MRI, more mention of the colon, etc. And yet the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her.

A bit later in the evening the waiter came by and asked if they would like their food wrapped to go home. This is the first we heard the man speak. He said, "I’m feeling sick." Ya think?

And this damn laptop is really driving me nuts. The damn apostrophe/quote mark key is fucked up. Apostrophes don’t show on my screen until I type the next character, and when I try to type "I, for example, I end up with Ï. WTF? It only happens with vowels. Strange, very strange.

Why is it that when one receives an offer to participate in a 419 scam, the dollar amount is very even? I received one of these offers today, and the amount that has been deposited that needs to get out is an even US$17,000,000. I love reading the creative use of the English language in these notes too. This particular amount has been “domiciled with the Finance/Security Company overseas”. And if this guy’s health is so bad, how is it that he cannot make a bank withdrawal, but he can spend so much time and effort on trying to get someone to participate in his scam? And here’s my favorite: why oh why did this scam offer come by FAX???????????????

Email the spammer - flood his inbox!
y_plotnikov@moscowmail.com
y_plotnikov@mail.ru

I love this stuff, really I do.

I was recounting this anecdote to someone over the weekend, and thought I’d post it here - especially seeing as how Crowjoy posted pics of yummy looking appetizers made with quail eggs.

When I was a kid, my dad used to like to do silly things to amuse us kids. By silly, I mean lame. One time we were having Deviled Eggs, but Dad kept calling them Eggs Deviled. In trying to correct him, the conversation went something like this:

Dad: Mmm, these Eggs Deviled are pretty good!
Me and/or Sis: Daddy, they’re Deviled Eggs.
Dad: That’s what I said, Eggs Deviled.
Us: Nooooo, it’s Deviled Eggs.
Dad: Eggs Deviled!
Us: Dad, say ‘Deviled’.
Dad: Deviled.
Us: Say ‘Eggs’.
Dad: Say eggs.
Us: Now put it together.
Dad: Deviled Say Eggs.

I have not eaten another Deviled Egg since then, but I have eaten many, many Deviled Say Eggs. Perhaps now someone outside of my household will enjoy the delicious wonders that are Deviled Say Eggs.

Photo courtesy internet search 

I just received this email:

From: “DAVID JONES” infodepth80@bellsouth.net
To: d@jones.net
Subject: RE: HELLO FRIEND
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2007 12:10:26 -0400

Best Regards,
Mr. David Jones.

Now this is a new one. This is not some fictional, foreign dignitary. No, this time he went for a disgraced CEO, The government has picked over every detail of Lay’s life. The feds probably know more about what he likes for breakfast than his wife did. So this spammer, the alleged Mr. David Jones, somehow thinks that I will believe all this and want to give him the $30 or so I have in my checking account.

Gotta love them spammers that give you a laugh.

Edited to make email links even more attractive to SpamBots. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

I found this over at Lizza’s blog, and even though these internet quizzes can be a bit hokey, I really like this one:

You’ll die from a Heart Attack during Sex.

You’re a lover not a fighter but sadly, in the act of making love your heart will stop. But what a way to go!

‘How will you die?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

I just hope it’s good, and that my partner gets over it. I’d hate to have him think he gives killer orgasms - and it actually turns out to be true!

A day late and a dollar short, but oh well. I’m gonna post about it anyway, because that’s the bloggy thing to do.

I’ve seen and participated in some great April Fool’s jokes in my day. Probably the most memorable one goes back (caution: revealing how old I am) 18 years to when I slept over at Belching Biker Babe’s on a seemingly innocuous day, March 31. Being the out of control 15-year olds that we were, we decided to stay up late and put in place a few pranks to have some fun with her fam the next morning.

Lacking anything that resembled fake puke, and not having the means to break into Spencer Gifts at such a late hour, we wrote up a note that said “Insert Fake Puke Here” or something to that effect and laid it on the floor next to the toilet - the very same toilet that was wrapped in cling wrap. We rigged a bunch of things to fall out of the pantry upon opening the door. We set up the microwave to have stuff come bursting out of it upon opening it. And we put up black string across the doorway to between the dining room and kitchen.

Results: Fake puke got a laugh. Cling wrap was noticed before urination, saving us a cleanup job. Precariously perched items in pantry remained precariously perched upon door opening, despite numerous tests. Many scrunched up paper balls came flying out of the microwave and onto hot stovetop, but quick thinking on the part of BBB’s little sis averted a major disaster. And the string? Well, BBB’s normally calm and cool mom walked through it before having her coffee. Have I mentioned that spider webs are one of her least favorite things in the world? Now in my mid-30’s, I am still not allowed in the house on this holiest of holidays.

A few years ago, while working at MRI, the girls and I decided to play a few pranks on the fun-loving boss. We all typed up our resignations, all quitting for ridiculous reasons, and did the usual “tape the receiver down to the phone” on the boss’ phone. I was going to put lots of cayenne in his coffee, but someone spilled the beans on that one before he took a sip. The next year, we all cling-wrapped his Lexus GX, which he discovered as he was running out to a meeting. And Pretty Lady Dammit and I pretended to have a huge fight which resulted in me storming out of the office and thinking Mad Scientist had some major personnel issues on his hands.

I went out with a bunch of people from Security Company Friday night, and a lively discussion ensued regarding what kind of prank to pull for April Fools. The only reason it did not get carried out is because SOMEONE didn’t want to listen to the humorless, insecure little DOPE complain about it all week. It would have been great to see the look on his face though.

I’m having fun reading about different April Fool’s jokes. What’s your most memorable April Fool’s Day?

I read some really great posts today. I love it when reading blogs makes me laugh out loud.

First, I was greeted by a comment from Mist1 regarding the post below this one. She always makes me laugh. I read one of her posts to my mom on the phone one day and an amazing thing happened. My mom actually stopped talking long enough to listen to what I was saying. Then she started talking again, but she did say that Mist1 should have a newspaper column or something, a la Dave Barry. I think my mom should spend more time reading cool blogs instead of the newspaper.

Mr. Fabulous has this post and this post in which he answers a lot of mysteries of the universe. Once I stopped laughing I realized that I had a huge smile on my face because of this newfound knowledge. Thanks for setting the record straight, Mr. Fabulous.

PARLANCHEQ is always finding bizarre stuff online and posting it on her blog. Today I was greeted with jewelry made out of dismembered Barbie dolls. It was so unique that I was able to put away the fact that the concept is revolting. And of course I thought of some of my friends, like Crowjoy, who loves unique artsy stuff and sometimes uses a headless Barbie doll as her avatar, and Dr. Hula, who recently told me that she wants to have a kid just so she can have a Vegas Showgirl themed baby shower. The Barbie chest necklace that PARLANCHEQ featured in her post, with pasties on every dismembered torso, made me think of Dr. Hula. And of course, I smiled because I always smile when I think of cool friends.

Now on to Memoirs of a Gouda. Allie, all I can say is you will soon be owing me a new keyboard. I love your blog, but it forces me to spew whatever I happen to be eating or drinking from my nose directly onto that invaluable piece of hardware that I use to input text directly into my blog.

I have many more wonderful blogging and RL friends whose blogs I look forward to reading daily, and they are all listed in my sidebar. Today, the humor stuck out and really made my day. Thanks to everyone in the blogosphere who makes reading and writing blogs so enjoyable.

More internet woes - my freaking connection keeps skipping out on me. It’s really annoying to have to reset my modem every half hour. Sometimes it’s that frequent, other times I can go a few hours without a blip. The funny thing is that my modem appears to be working normally at all times, at least according to the lights on the front of it. These little hiccups are driving me mad. I called the cable company but of course it’s all fine, so they don’t have a clue. Gah.

I’ve been driving my sister mad with text messages today. The first one asked if she remembers Lisa Frank. She called me and said she did, and asked why. I told her it was a random thought I had. Then this afternoon I texted her with the headline “DNA Tests reveal that Elvis is from Uranus” She called me immediately and said, “Not my anus, your anus!” I told her I was just in a goofy mood. Then tonite I told her that I like Crayola crayons. She called me back and said that I need to find something else to do when I’m bored. This is too funny. I can’t wait, really I can’t. She gets online tomorrow, so there is a time issue. Sis, if you’re reading this, read down to the next post then be sure to STOP. Do not go any further until I tell you. If you do go further, then you totally suck and are so not worthy, you impatient little beyotch.

Today I managed to line up 2 interviews. The first one I’ll probably skip, because further research tells me that first of all, the call was unsolicited. I did not send this company my resume. Also, online research into this company tells me that it’s a bit of a sham. It’s insurance sales. No thank you, I’m looking for a legitmate job that has a bit more security and stability in pay. The second interview is with my friend’s company on Friday. The sales manager there is so busy she’s going beserk, but managed to find a time that hopefully she won’t have to change. Something tells me that will be the one. I haven’t heard back about any of the other jobs I interviewed for. One of them was listed in the local paper again this past weekend, and another one, the government one, was extremely time sensitive and it’s been 3 days. I was under the impression that they would be making a decision almost immediately, so after 3 days I have a feeling that one will not go forward for me.

Well. It’s getting late so I think I’ll finish up here, get some things picked up and get to bed. Later gators.

So, where was I? Oh yes. Had dinner last night with Aunt Bird and Uncle N Period. Mom made some kick-ass ribs that were so tender a straw was needed to eat them. I also presented Aunt Bird with her present. It was a talking parrot keychain, but it says really rude things. “Polly wants a fucking cracker! Polly wants a fucking cracker! Give Polly a fucking cracker NOW!!!!” It was hilarious. Her birds don’t talk, but if they hear that keychain that’s probably going to be what they say. Aunt Bird’s mother will come over and one of the birds will greet her with, “Show us your tits!” She’ll be appalled, while Uncle N Period is in the other room laughing like a teenage boy. Anyway, it was a lovely evening and we all watched some television and staggered off to bed. I slept pretty well, too, which was a refreshing change of pace.

This morning I got up, had some juice, sat around talking to my aunt and uncle while my little bro Boo was running around. Then went up to take a shower, which was also refreshing since I didn’t shower yesterday (took the red eye flight and never got a chance to cleanse). Aunt Bird and Uncle N. left while I was in the shower, so Mom and I took Boo to get a haircut. I also needed a haircut and of course had to put in an appearance with one of my bestest friends, Belching Biker Babe. She cut Boo’s hair even though he kept moving his head and was really fussy because he was hungry, then she cut my hair and made a big announcement every time she found a grey one. Yes, I’m in my 30’s. It’s inevitable that my hairs will one by one turn grey and no, I’m not going to dye my hair. Once you start, you can’t stop, so I’m not gonna start. I have better things to spend my money on. Anyhoo, since Belching Biker Babe was working we made plans for Monday and Mom, Boo and I went off to have lunch. Boo was ready for a nap so he was really fussy, but it was 2:00 and I didn’t even have breakfast, so I was pretty starving. We had a decent meal and came back to the house, then I took off for the mall while Mom put Boo down for a nap. I had some presents to buy.

Since I know that Bubba and Messy J don’t read my blog, I’ll spill about what I bought. Messy J was a bit easier, since she just got a Builder Bear (aka Build-a-Bear) for her birthday. She wanted the red wig, since she wants Peppermint to have the same color hair as her, and I also got her a new outfit and shoes. I also have a few other things for Messy J that I’ve been saving up over the past few months, so she’ll get those tomorrow too.

Bubba is a bit harder to shop for since he’s hitting that all-important age: 13. That means he’s a fussy teenager who only likes to play video games and hang with his friends. Well, Aunty don’t play that. I prefer something a bit educational, or at least something the rest of the family can enjoy. I know he loves Napoleon Dynamite, so I got him some ND lip balm, and the $1 gift I found the other day was the ND talking keychain. I’m pretty sure he already has the movie, since he knows it by heart, so I got another movie I know he likes: Benchwarmers. He’s never actually told me he likes this movie, but since it’s his theme on his AIM, I figured it’s safe to say he’ll enjoy this gift. I’m also taking him to the movies on Monday to see Talladega Nights, which I think we’ll both enjoy.

Tomorrow my mom his hosting a birthday party for both Bubba and Messy J, with special appearances by Aunty and Mom. Yes, my sister just flew into town this evening. She’s preggers, so she used this to her advantage to get priority boarding. Her belly isn’t quite that big yet, since she still has about 4 months to go, but my goodness, my tiny twig of a sister has got herself some amazing B00Bs! Too bad they’ll turn back into deflated balloons after the baby is born and she stops nursing.

When Mom and I went to pick up Sis at the airport, we decided to play a little joke on Mom. Sis and I went potty and when we were heading back to baggage claim, I got the idea to call Mom on her cell and freak her out. This was even funnier because the airport here isn’t that large. I called her and kept asking her where the heck she was, trying to make it sound like I was all panicky because she was lost. The whole time I could see her because I wasn’t that far away, hiding behind the information booth. The lady at the info booth was cracking up watching this. Mom was asking me if I could see the lady with the Mickey ears, and I was like, “What Mickey ears? Mom, did you get on a plane again? We’re not going anywhere, we are here to pick Sis up!” It was hilarious.

Anyway, tomorrow is the cookout, then afterwards my cousin and I are supposed to go out. I can’t wait to see his vagina gut. See, he’s a stunt motorcycle rider and he had a bit of an accident - something about 80mph, bike on top of him and road rash. He ended up with a wound that the doctors couldn’t or wouldn’t close and the nurse had to come to his house twice a day to clean it. I’ve seen pictures of it. All I can say is GROSS. At least he didn’t hit his head.

I’m not posting my spending right now, but I’m kinda keeping track. I’ll try and post an update when I get home and I’m entering stuff into Quicken. In the meantime, I’ll try and keep track of it all, at least the cash part.

Time to get going now. I should probably go see what stupid movie my nephew picked out to watch. Later, y’all.

Thanks to Macoosh for this cool link!

In other news, we finally got Dr. Grandma to leave the dark side. She is rejoining our group on August 21, and we can get back to being the complete group we once were. Also, Mad Scientist, being his usual self, paid me again on a commission I earned for the testing. Actually, he paid me way early on it to test our new payroll service, and now that the check came in, he paid me again. So that means it will just go against future earnings, so it might be awhile before I see another commission check on that, since the summer has been super slow, partially due to me not scheduling stuff because of the remodel. But now is a really good time for it, with my vacation in 2 weeks. I can use this so-called extra money for vacation and keep to the plan of using every single Job#2 paycheck for the credit card.

Spending update:
Wednesday - $0
Thursday - $1.97 I got called into work at the store tonite and didn’t have a dinner with me, so I had to stop and grab something. I may not always eat healthy, but at least I eat cheap.
$31 - gas for my car. It should just about last until I go on vacation in 2 weeks.

If you need a laugh, check this one out. Thanks, AJ, for introducing me to YouTube!

Warning: Some material may not be suitable for all viewers.

More Foamy clips can be seen here.