Cuts Like a Knife

Aug 18 2009

I have to admit, I was not the most popular kid in my elementary school. I mean, I was well known, but only because my Gram was the school secretary. I was not well liked and did not have very many friends. I was painfully reminded of that this evening while surfing through a particular social networking site that we will call Bookface.

I have a love/hate relationship with Bookface. It’s great because I can keep up with people far better than any other method out there, but it sucks because I get violently pulled back to a period of my life I’d just as soon forget. Take tonite for example. I saw that and old classmate on my friend list was tagged in a photo. It was an old class photo from elementary school. I have the same photo - showed it to my husband just last night, actually. Then, I flipped through and saw the class photo from the following year. My face had a big red X on it. Yeah, that’s how popular I was in school. It instantly brought back all those old feelings. I don’t even know what I did to deserve that kind of hatred back then. As best I can remember it, I just wanted to get on with the school day. I wasn’t a bully, I didn’t tease anyone - I just wanted to get along. I wasn’t “special”. I was, and still am, quite smart. I got pretty decent grades. I wasn’t better or worse than anyone else in art or music, just average. I kinda sucked at gym, except the high jump for some reason. Couldn’t run the 50 yard dash in under 10 seconds, but I could clear that bar.

So what was it? Was it the horrible thrift store wardrobe my stepmother dressed me in long before thrift was cool? Was it the fact that my teeth didn’t grow in straight? Was it my red hair? The other kid in my class with red hair wasn’t subjected to the ridicule that I was, so that couldn’t have been it. It must have been the giant bull’s eye that was my aura. That’s it. My aura was a bull’s eye that was visible to everyone under the age of 16 except me. There, I’ve solved it. That’s why it still haunts me today, why I wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, and why I’ll probably never be as confident as I pretend to be. Some people might say, sure, kids will be kids, but is that kind of cruelty called for, either as children or adults? It’s not always so easy to brush off and forget about when it continues for years. Even today, I’m not so sure I’m completely free from it, which does nothing for my self esteem.

Part of me wants to delete my Bookface profile, because so much keeps flooding back whenever I see a name or picture from the old school days. The other part of me enjoys the people who are my friends now, and has a bit of a curiosity as to what my old classmates are up to. I don’t know if I can ever really be friends with them, even 25 years later, but it’s hard to try and be the me I am now and not let those old feelings take over. It’s about killed my evening.

19 Comments to “Cuts Like a Knife”

# Susan LeBlancon 19 Aug 2009 at 7:59 am

Big hug, Kirsten. That’s a lot to get over, all of it undeserved. It’s true, kids can be so mean, and it’s hard to let go of things that hurt, even 25 years ago. Remember that you are now surrounded by friends and family who love what you bring to their lives. Something the kids 25 years ago never got to appreciate.
# Kirstenon 19 Aug 2009 at 9:26 am

Thanks, Susan. I keep trying to remember that, but sometimes this stuff comes back to rear its ugly head. Thanks again.
# Puppie (7 comments.)on 20 Aug 2009 at 1:43 pm

I’m so sorry. {{{kirsten}}}
# Kirstenon 20 Aug 2009 at 3:31 pm

Thanks, Puppie.
# Lisa (14 comments.)on 20 Aug 2009 at 6:22 pm

I just responded to the comment you made on my blog. Kirsten, it’s not easy getting over the bullying. I can’t say it ever leaves you, there are always the shadows that lurk.

These people have not grown, you have. Although the pain is still there, you are not alone. For those who have been bullied, we all share commonalities. It doesn’t have to be a dirty secret.

It does stick with you unfortunately. For me, I don’t show my legs. This week, to make a point to my girls, I wore a dress twice and a pair of shorts. My legs are still way to skinny, and now they are riddled with spider veins. Nothing mineral makeup won’t cover. Yet, the feeling of “who is going to call me skinny next?” rumbles around in my gut.

You are leading your life now, without these people. The only thing you share is the past. You have the present and the future, they do not have to partake in that, you have the power now. Their comments, may be catty, the big X, may bring back bad memories, but again, you have grown beyond that, and they are still in the past if they still think that kind of shit is funny. If you are laughing at yourselves, it’s different, but when laughter is directed at one person, it’s bullying, and obviously that is still what they are. Don’t let them have the power to wreck your evening, just chalk them up to what they are. Nothing to you anymore, but a bad memory.
# Kirstenon 20 Aug 2009 at 8:28 pm

(Comments work, I just moderate because of the spam)

I don’t really treat the teasing as a dirty secret, but as something I’d really rather forget so I can get on with my life. I don’t know why I wanted them to like me so much, because I was never comfortable with kids my own age. I would much rather have hung out with adults. I didn’t start feeling comfortable with myself until about 10 years ago - I felt like I had finally grown into myself. I still have a lot of insecurities that hold me back, but I’m working on it.
# kailaon 21 Aug 2009 at 12:14 pm

whatever I say, won’t take away the hurt you felt as a child. However, I do hope what I say will help you put things into perspective.

Kids a shits. Sorry, that’s the truth.

The best “revenge” if you want it, is living well. I have recently met up with a bunch of my old friends on “bookface”. Some were good friends and some not so nice “friends”. You know what?..these “not so nice people”…had lots of issues, and they’ve manifested themselves in some disturbing ways in adulthood.

Me?…well…living well and being happy with yourself and happy with your successes…is the best revenge.

kaila
# Kirstenon 21 Aug 2009 at 2:16 pm

Kaila, I know you are 100% correct. Mister says the same thing all the time. I am happy and doing better than I would have ever imagined. I just need to figure out how to deal with it when the old insecurities come rushing back like that.
# Seraphine (4 comments.)on 21 Aug 2009 at 9:27 pm

i had the same thing happen to me when i was in high school. i realize my classmates were immature. but they were mean too, and i’ve never gone back for a reunion or anything. good riddance.
nobody needs to have negative people in their life. keep your current friends, the ones who love and respect you.
if it makes you feel better, red x the former classmates from your life.
# Kirstenon 22 Aug 2009 at 8:45 am

Thanks, Seraphine. While it sucks to have gone through that, it’s nice to hear that I’m not alone.
# Robin (9 comments.)on 24 Aug 2009 at 12:52 am

Kirsten your blog is the only “personal” blog I read.. I enjoy what you write. I look at a lot of art blogs… but only the pictures… pass right over the writing part of it. What you say matters to me and I’m impressed with your dedication to sharing yourself with us. Wonder how many people that put red x’s on a classmates photos in the past have people who care about them like that today? I also wonder if they could be confident enough to share themselves with others like you do… I seriously doubt it! Opening your thoughts to others takes brass balls, and you’ve got em’ as far as I’m concerned.
# Kirstenon 24 Aug 2009 at 4:45 am

Awwww, thanks Robin. BTW, when are we ever going to get the guys together?
# Cousin Bettyon 28 Aug 2009 at 7:00 pm

Hi Kirsten:

I would like to put something out to you. How would you feel about writing a book?

Space intentional here to give you time to mull this over :-)

Based on some of the posts I’ve read, I think you’ve already outlined some very good themes that women would be interested in and could connect to: family & growing up, traveling, religion, dieting, dreams, marriage, new home…

You could go a couple different directions with your book: short chapters that share something “personal” (you’ve already done that here) and offer a learning lesson or observation as a result; or maybe a fictional account geared to younger women that will entertain and encourage them (the protagonist can still be you, but you could have a little “fun” with your character); or something else that excites you.

You’ve already written the “bones” of a great story. (Actually, your life already IS a great story, but that’s another conversation.) If you aren’t completely turned off, will you prayerfully consider this ?
# mommyon 29 Aug 2009 at 4:26 pm

I think you’ve really grown and matured quite well. I take a lot of pride in bragging about my best kid, who’s the best big sister and best aunty ever. Besides being very happily married to the best son-in-law in the world, she and her mister live in Fabulous Las Vegas while most of the dick heads that teased and bullied their way through grammar school are still dick heads living in assholechussetts!
You are so loved and respected by all your friends and family (especially me!) No one’s path is always easy but you’ve been so blessed and you are a blessing! Jag alskar Dig min dotter!
# Kirstenon 01 Sep 2009 at 1:02 pm

@mommy, Thanks!

@Cousin Betty, I have thought about a book, but it always seems that I lack direction. Of course I’d want the stories to have some sort of common thread and/or some sort of point, and it’s not always easy to do that. I am currently reading “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I am enjoying and I can easily see how a blog can turn into that sort of story. Also, your comment has given me some ideas, at least for blog posts, that can warm me up for a venture like that. Thanks you so much for your kind words - I will definitely consider it!
# Cousin Bettyon 01 Sep 2009 at 6:00 pm

Your description about yourself (”All About Me”) is also a good start for your book!

You may get some direction from certain authors’ web sites. Check out Nicholas Sparks’s here: http://www.nicholassparks.com/ForWriters.asp?PageID=1.

Maybe your community college or adult school has a course that can help you get started.

Please keep your mind and your heart open to the little “coincidences” you may soon start to experience. Keep me posted!
# Kirstenon 02 Sep 2009 at 9:34 am

Thanks again, Betty! I’ll check out that website later and look up other author websites, and I suppose I should dust off my old writing textbook from college (I knew I saved it for a reason!).
# Devilish Southern Belle (1 comments.)on 02 Sep 2009 at 9:14 pm

*hugs* I could have written this post myself. I still deal with it to a lesser degree even today. The people aren’t as cruel, but I am still always left out and ignored. It sucks.
# Kirstenon 02 Sep 2009 at 9:40 pm

Yeah, it does still happen today but to a much smaller extent. I even had someone tell me, “I hate it that you always have something to say about everything.” The “something” was a bunch of people sitting around telling stories, and me contributing my stories to the conversation. That one hurt a lot, and a lot of times during a group conversation I have a tendency to just sit there and not make a sound because of it.