Ten days ago, my oldest niece turned 10. I sent her a package with some presents in it, and a card that included my phone number. I was hoping she, or her father, would call so that I could wish her a happy birthday. That didn’t happen.
A week later I called my sister. She said that Messy J had received her present and said she was going to call me. I’m still waiting.
I used to be close to Messy J, but there’s a lot of mistakes made on the part of both her parents that keep me from being as close to her as I used to be. It all started when I announced I was moving to Vegas in 2003. Of course, my family was upset that I was leaving, but I was selling my condo and would have the money to establish myself independently. I planned a trip to come out and set things up in Vegas for my arrival a month later.
A week after my Vegas trip, my sister went on vacation to Florida to visit a friend who had moved down there. While she was there, she met a guy and decided that she would move down there to live with him. As soon as school was out a month later, she packed up her kids and moved in with a guy she met on vacation. This totally took the heat off me, since I was going about my move in a prudent manner, and everyone turned on my sister. No one thought that this was a good idea.
While I thrived in Vegas, my sister was arguing a lot with her guy. I went to visit her about 6 months after we both moved, and I only stayed a few days at her place before moving to a hotel because of the fighting and yelling. I hated leaving the kids like that, but my own sanity was at stake. We sort of made up before the end of my trip, and I left on decent terms.
Throughout 2004, things got worse for her. She argued a lot with everyone, withheld contact with the kids at whim, and broke up with the guy and moved into another place. That place didn’t last long, and I don’t know the details of where she was after that. I do remember, however, that Bubba and Messy J got put in foster care in February 2005 because my sister had gotten on the radar of family services, and after a number of “diluted” drug test results, she finally failed one. The arguing between her and everyone else got worse. I ended up being diagnosed with acid reflux, and I got myself into therapy and got on Paxil because I was having a lot of anxiety due to the turmoil.
During the summer of 2005, the kids were finally able to come home. Since Bubba doesn’t have any relationship with his father, he went to my dad’s house. Messy J ended up at her father’s house. I’m not sure that’s really the best place for her, since her father isn’t exactly an upstanding citizen and has his own issues with various substances, and has a temper. The biggest thing since she’s been there is that he changes phone numbers as often as most people change underwear, so I can’t contact her. At least they don’t move too often, so I can send mail.
I know Messy J has had a rough time of it. She’s got some emotional issues because of the what’s happened over the last five years, and is no longer the vivacious little girl I once knew. She has very sad eyes now and is very quiet. I miss the little girl she was – the one who was always laughing and smiling. I miss being able to talk to her and hug her and tell her I love her.
There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to think about her, because it just hurts so much that there’s nothing I can really do to help her. A part of me thinks that if I hadn’t moved to Vegas, my sister wouldn’t have decided to move. I feel like my moving set this all in motion. When questioned about her decision to take her kids and move 1500 miles away to live with a guy she just met, my sister said, “Well Kirsten’s moving, so I can too.” I try not to feel guilty about it all, because I know that my sister would have fucked up no matter what, but it’s hard.
Happy Birthday, Messy J. Aunty misses you more than you know.
How sad that for most of her life, your sister doesn’t seem to have her own. That is, she has to emulate just about everyone (make that every woman) she knows. That includes getting pregnant with Bubba. Basically she’d always wanted to be on her own so she could do as she pleases. This has usually been on someone else’s dime. So perhaps you should be flattered, somewhat that your sister had to emulate you and move. I do think that after all the unfortunate choices she’s made that she’s finally matured just a bit and I can only imagine the grief she feels not having Messy J. She acted too spontaneously(?) or I may have gotten J. But placing blame on everyone else for her actions were par for the course. Keep repeating this mantra: “It’s not my fault” and maybe you’ll believe it as time goes on. For once in my kid’s lives, it really isn’t your fault. The only thing left is to pray for J. Make sure she’s on the prayer list at church. Pray for her dumbass father, too. Maybe he’ll have an epiphany and give her back to her mom. I keep you all in my prayers and always in my heart.
“It’s not my fault” is a favorite line of Sis, which is another reason why I have trouble with it. It just breaks my heart to even think about J, because I see how sad she is. I just want to hug her.
Okay…instead of “it’s not my fault”….try this mantra……”I can only be responsible for myself”. What I read here is that you think you could have stopped these other events.
No, you couldn’t have. What is truly sad is that your sister fails to see the pain she’s caused you, her family and most of all her kids.
My own girls, due to issues with their father now have very “definite” opinions of him.
Remember, the best you can do is “be there”…and try to talk to her. Does she have a cell phone yet? You could try that. Or what about e-mail? Or what ever happened to the old fashioned method of communicating….Letter Writing?
I hope this was helpful. My sincere good wishes for Messy J and yourself…and your sister.
No cell phone – her dad can’t keep a job and is always getting a new prepaid plan, hence the ever-changing phone number. I don’t think she has email either, that I know of. I’ll have to try to send more stuff to her throughout the year.
Thanks, kaila.
Family matters are never easy. I don’t know a perfect family, where people can communicate their feeling and never make bad decisions… that’s life, I guess.
She got your present and knows you thought of her. That’s what matters.
Thanks, Zhu. As long as she knows there are people who love her no matter what, I think that is what will help her get through.