Encyclopedia of Me – H is for Hope

I’ve established previously that things aren’t too great around the KirstenL4W home right now.  Unemployment and other things have been major stressors here and I’ve been having a hard time dealing with it all. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I don’t let go of things too easily, but also because I love Mister so much and I want nothing more than for him to be happy – ridiculously happy. I’ve been holding on to a lot of that worry, letting it drive me to my breaking point. I’d have halfway good days, but mostly I’d be one quick thought away from a deluge of tears.

On Tuesday, like most nights, I came home and started going through my checklist of internet activity. I was surprised to see comments on my last post, because it was a few days old already. There waiting for me was a comment from Cousin Betty, my second cousin on my mother’s side. I was surprised because the bulk of communication with my mom’s extended family is done through Christmas cards, so I didn’t realize anyone was reading my blog, even though I include the web address so people can keep up with me throughout the year.

Anyway, back to the comment. As with so many things these days, it brought me to tears. But these weren’t the stress tears that have been flowing so freely lately. These were different. I realize now, looking back on it, that they were tears of relief. Finally, in the form of words on my monitor, was a way for me to let go of the stress. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it before. My spiritual needs tend to run hot or cold, and when I blogged about my feelings about faith, they were running cold but starting to warm up. At the time I wrote that, I was still thinking a lot and wondering if a slightly different path might better suit my spiritual needs.

Like a favorite old sweater. That’s how I described my home church, the one I was basically brought up in. As I read Betty’s comment, as well as an email she had sent me, I realized I needed that sweater and the comfort it could provide. And I needed it in the form I was most familiar with – church. It also happened that day that I got a newsletter email from one of my Pastors here in Vegas, and I remembered something about them starting Wednesday evening services. I looked up the current worship schedule on their website, and discussed it with Mister. The very next day, I walked into that familiar space and let go of my stress. I realized that the stress was not mine to hold on to like that, and when I left the church after service, I left the stress behind. The two days since then have been so much calmer for me. I haven’t felt this calm in a long time.

In addition to a newfound sense of calm, I also have hope. Through this entire ordeal, I kept saying to myself that this is a good thing that’s happening, but I didn’t believe my own words. Now I do. I have hope that we’ll come out of this even better than before it all started. I have hope that this will lead to even better adventures for us. Ever the eternal optimist, I lost that along the way but now I truly hope – and believe – that everything will be ok.

I know that not all my readers are religious, and I hope that this post didn’t come across as preachy. I simply wanted to tell you about how I felt and how I’m getting through this. For everyone else who is going through a tough time, you need to do what works for you – but don’t give up hope.

Other Posts Like Me:

• Encyclopedia of Me – S is for Sister
• Encyclopedia of Me – L is for Love
• Encyclopedia of Me – M is for Maps
• Encyclopedia of Me – P is for Pen Pals
• Encyclopedia of Me – N is for Name