KirstenL4W

I haven’t been blogging a lot lately, in case you haven’t noticed.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t know how to say it.  I have no problem talking about stuff when I’m happy; that’s when I want the whole world to know.  But when I’m not happy, I have a tendency to stuff it all inside and hope it will all go away.

So, where shall I start?  How about - the economy!  News has it that the economy is in the crapper right now.  I scan the headlines about how this company and that company is laying off people left and right or just closing its doors completely.  Take shopping, for example.  Already there have been lots of stores that have closed.  Even supermarkets!  Grocery stores are typically recession-proof because everyone has to eat.  Well, people are playing the coupon game like crazy and trying to figure out how they can eat for as little as possible.  I get that people aren’t spending money because they no longer have much of it anymore, but this is freaky.  Pretty soon I won’t have anywhere to go to buy a box of tissues.

The housing market is just downright depressing.  Sure, if you have money you might be able to buy a house for a great deal.  But Mister and I bought a year ago.  Prices were starting to come down a bit, but no one really thought the economy would collapse the way it did.  We have a conventional mortgage and were able to get financing that doesn’t exist anymore.  But we’re so upside down today.  I made the mistake of looking at the builder’s website to see what the units they have available are selling for today.  I won’t give you the grisly details.  I shouldn’t have looked myself, because it’s got my mind reeling with fears and worries now. 

The job market.  With jobs being lost left and right, it’s worrying.  I live in Vegas, which is pretty much a single-market town.  Like Detroit was.  And I work in the gaming industry.  There has been a bit of “reconstructive” downsizing at my company, but we’re still relatively strong (relative to the competition).  My job is pretty stable, since my department is necessary but now down to as few people as it can really operate with.  But Mister is unemployed at the moment.  And his unemployment actually has nothing to do with the economy.  That’s the Drama that I referred to a few posts back.  His dilemma now is that everything he knows how to do he is no longer physically able to do.  So we’re both trying to figure out what he can do, what he wants to do and what direction to take it all in.  For now we are ok, financially, but it won’t last forever.

Those are the main worries going on in my mind right now.  Let’s talk about the fears.  I fear that Mister won’t be able to find something else to do (especially in this town) and worry about where that will land us.  I read headlines about gun sales being up, and I fear that we’re going to become a lawless society because of the economy.  Overall, I fear that this year - 2009 - will get much worse.  Not just for the country, because everyone is predicting that, but for me personally, and in an tragically epic sort of way.  I can’t seem to shake that feeling.

So that’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately.  I try to stay upbeat on the blog, but I haven’t been upbeat lately.  I don’t want this to become a complaining blog, because I’ll lose readers much faster than if I don’t write anything at all.  That’s about it.  I’ll try to write when I can, and I’ll try to keep the mood balanced.  All I can do is try.

Mister and I watched the rest of Six Feet Under last night. If you’ll remember, I bought it for him for his birthday, and we’ve been watching it in bits and pieces ever since. We stayed up way too late to finish watching the series, because the final season was just so riveting that there was no way we could go to bed without finding out what happened. *Warning: if you haven’t seen the show, there are some spoilers in this post. I don’t think I can say what I need to by being cryptic about what happens on the show.*

I did have some tears rolling down my cheeks during the last, oh, 3 episodes or so. It’s hard not to shed some tears when you see characters that you’ve gotten to know showing their grief in such a raw and unhindered way. About halfway through the final episode, it occurred to me that the characters weren’t just mourning the loss of a loved one. They did that in the very first episode of the first season, when the family patriarch died, and got on quite a bit better than they did here. In this one, they weren’t just mourning Nate. They were mourning the loss of their lives as they knew them. In that episode, every single character was standing on the edge of a major life change. Claire is on the edge of something great - with her art and with Ted. David and Keith are parents. Brenda is about to have a baby. Ruth is starting to embrace the freedom she has in no longer being required to be a homemaker. Rico is taking his family forward by starting his own business. Every single person is on the edge of their own personal greatness, but they spend most of the episode mourning the familiar, the way their lives used to be.

That’s the way major life changes are. There is usually so much good wrapped up in them, but it’s stressful at the same time. We do mourn what we used to have and the way things used to be, even though we know things will be better. That’s the way I’ve felt lately. I’ve been incredibly weepy, stressed, and not as jovial as I usually am. I know things are changing, they already have due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m sure my husband feels the same way, but without as many tears and emotional outbursts as I’ve had, because he’s better at controlling that sort of thing than I am. Right now we’re at a point where there will be some major changes, but we don’t know what just yet. We need to decide which road to take from here. My husband says life always seems harder when you’re going through a growth period, and that’s where we are at. We’re just waiting to see what direction life will take us in. That part isn’t quite clear yet, but what is clear is that we are in this together - lifting each other up, supporting each other, and having no shortage of hugs and tenderness to help us get through this.

I’ve been ignoring the internets lately.  There’s been a lot going on right now, and it’s required a lot of my time and energy.  I’ve not been keeping up with any of the blogs in my reader or other sites I can be found on, because I’ve just needed some time to chill out.  I can’t really elaborate any more right now.  I’ll try to visit when I can but don’t worry about me if you don’t see me around for awhile.