Oct 18 2007
Miss Independent?
I used to be the epitome of independence. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I celebrated being able to eat ice cream in my jammies and watch whatever I wanted on tv. I loved that I could come home and not have to deal with anyone else’s crap. I slept in the middle of a queen-sized bed. I had my girl beauty crap all over the bathroom and never worried about whether the toilet seat was up or down. And I did it by myself, without help. Even when the toilet overflowed or I needed something heavy moved. Anyone who’s ever lived alone as a single person knows what I’m talking about.
Because of the difficulty I had living with someone, or as I liked to call it, “preferring to live alone”, my old roommate told me that I would never be able to have a successful relationship. I told her that I lived with her out of financial necessity, not because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And just because she annoyed the hell out of me didn’t mean that every single person on the planet would meet the same fate should the ever live with me.
Enter Boyfriend. We hit it off right away, I moved in even though I was scared about that big step. Even then, I held back, and my fear of being heartbroken manifested itself in my thinking that I needed to go home to the east coast, and that I wasn’t cut out for being in a relationship. Boyfriend was patient and helped me through that. Now, things are blissful. Seriously blissful. So blissful that it would make you sick if I started describing in detail how happy I am with Boyfriend. And though it may seem like I’m pouting about him being on his business trip and away from me, I find myself lost without him. Case in point: this morning I overslept for work. He doesn’t get me up for work, in fact he’s still snoring away when I leave in the morning. But rather than not wanting my alarm to wake him, I thought I’d take advantage of not having to be courteous in the morning and hit the snooze button. Except the snooze button was too busy snoozing and I ended up being 45 minutes late for work. So by not having him here, not having anyone that I want to be courteous for and not disturb, I overslept for work.
I’m not a totally inept co-dependent now. I just feel that without him here with me, a major part is missing. The bed is too big. The apartment is too quiet. It’s not right. Before I met him, I pretty much had myself convinced that I was going to be the little old woman who always lived independently. At least I didn’t have a cat, because that lonely old woman was not me. Being part of a pair is. Boyfriend comes home tomorrow, and I will feel complete again.
I think it’s nice to want someone. I draw the line at need. But in the sense that I don’t want to not feel whole without someone. I think I prefer to always want to be with them as opposed to need. It may seem less romantic but I think it’s healthier.
-N
N - I certainly can function without him, but I also remember how unhappy I was before him. Do I need him? No, and I will get used to him not being there as these business trips will be happening more often now. But I will miss him terribly when he’s away.
My Hubby has recently started traveling a few times a year for work and I feel the same way. It is kinda great for the first day when you do things your way, get to eat when you are hungry, be as loud as you want… But come day two I am missing him like mad. I guess that is a good thing that we miss them if we didn’t there would be serious issues!
MM - definitely good that we miss them. I had boxed mac and cheese for dinner, which I haven’t had since we met, and it was nowhere near as good as I remembered it. The time alone wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.