A wonderful boyfriend. Memories of heartache. A blog post. Birthdays. Stress about the car. All these things and more brought about the feeling, and decision, that I wanted to go back home to New England. I told Boyfriend, through tears, what I wanted to do. He was willing to give me whatever it takes for me to be happy. Then I went to bed, and the overwhelming thought that I had made a mistake came over me. I couldn’t help but think, “What the hell have I done?”
I journaled about it, and what came out of my pen surprised me. I mean, I knew I was having these thoughts, but the way they came out on paper surprised me. I talked to Boyfriend some more. He really is wonderful. He didn’t want me to go, but he didn’t stand in my way if that’s what I really wanted. So I thought a lot, about a lot of things. Why I came here and everything that’s happened since I’ve been here.
I came here, simply, because I always wanted to move far away. It was something I’ve wanted ever since I was a kid in school, and we’d get a new student who came from far away. I wanted to be that kid, but it never happened. In a more abstract, over-thinking sort of way, I wanted to be closer to me. I come from an area where my family is well known, and they all live very close to each other (think walking distance). Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Knowing lots of people and everyone knowing you can be very advantageous, and having everyone so close means you never miss a birthday, cookout, holiday or other gathering. But I had become the person that everyone wanted me to be, and it pleased everyone but me. I had this idea of a person inside my head that I was, that I wanted to be, and being away from everyone and totally on my own allowed me to be a lot closer to that person. Moving away allowed me to become closer to myself, to know myself better, and to show the world who I am.
I still miss everyone. I miss being there for holidays. I traveled home as often as I could, but it wasn’t enough. This August is the first time that I won’t be there to celebrate Messy J and Bubba’s birthdays. Bubba misses me too much. He’s turning 14 on Tuesday and though he won’t admit it, he really likes having his Aunty around. He’s a great kid, and I miss having him around too. Messy J is just adorable, and I miss being there for her and being silly with her. It would be easier to be away if I didn’t have such an amazing family, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Boyfriend is also amazing. He put aside his own feelings to let me talk through this, and he is so great at listening. So good, in fact, that after yesterday’s session with my head shrinker I realized that I get so much more out of talking with Boyfriend, and head shrinker and I are not on the same page anymore. So I didn’t make another appointment with her, but I also walked out knowing that what I have with Boyfriend is so amazing, that I can’t give that up. I tried by telling him I wanted to go home. And I realized that why I said I wanted to go home all came down to me not totally opening myself up and giving my all to this relationship. See, in the game of love, I had been hurt before.
The last significant relationship I had was one that saw the hurt dragging on much longer than it should have. I fell deeper and was hurt more than ever before, and my insistence on trying to work it out and staying friends (with the intention of it picking back up again someday) kept a certain level of heartache in my life, because I refused to see that it would never happen. Eventually, I cut my losses and was better for it. But I was also determined to never get hurt like that again. So I built my life, alone and was content with that. Content. Not necessarily happy, but that’s where my walls were. In refusing to allow myself to be hurt again, I was also refusing to allow myself to be happy. As wonderful as Boyfriend is, I kept thinking that it wasn’t going to last, because everything ends, right? I actually had myself convinced that I was better off alone, because with all those walls built up I could control everything, down to my emotions. I started focusing on what I didn’t have with him that I had when I was alone, but in the end I realized that I had so, so much more than I had given up. To be able to eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting while watching sappy chick flicks can still be had – when Boyfriend goes away on a business trip. I’m not giving anything up by being with him.
Boyfriend finally came out and said he thought that I was making a mistake. He said I was unhappy enough to leave New England in the first place, and if I went back I’d be miserable. I know he’s right. I pictured myself living at my mom’s house, feeling dejected, like I had failed in my attempt to leave home and be happy. I wouldn’t be going home with a new sense of purpose and a fresh outlook on life, like Macoosh decided this week. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to go home knowing I left a good life and a great Boyfriend. I didn’t want to go away from anything, and although I have my family and friends there, they’ll always be my family and friends no matter where in the world we are. So I wasn’t going to them. I wasn’t going to anything. So I’m going to stay here, in a place where I have so much more than I could ever have imagined.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s always hard leaving your comfort zone. I’m glad things are working out better now…
It’s funny, I didn’t even use the term “comfort zone” in my post, but that’s a lot of what the conversations with Boyfriend entailed. I was very reluctant to step out of that zone, and I am usually very opposed to taking any kinds of risks. There are still things that I may never do or always take the safest route in, but being on this road with Boyfriend is well worth it.
I agree; you have a wonderful boyfriend!
It took me a long time to trust a guy and trust myself to fall in love after the great crazy break up of 2000. It’s a good step you’ve taken and it sounds like you have a great person to walk with you.
CTG
Kirsten, he sounds incredible. (As are you, BTW.) I am so happy for you!
DSB & Nancy – thanks!
Laura – It’s nice to know that someone else understands this whole wall thing. You and SuperT are awesome, and I’m glad I got to celebrate your wedding with you. Hopefully someday you can be at mine!
I am sorry you are not coming home BUT I think you made the right decision by staying. He sounds wonderful and it is time to open up and see what happend. I wish you all the luck. I’ll still be here:)
Court – thanks! I’ll definitely make it a point to visit you and the fam next time I’m there, and of course there’s always blogging to keep up with!
Moving is not easy. I think it’s common to second-guess yourself. I think it’s normal. It means you care about what you left behind. I think you are making the right decision in staying. And that boyfriend of yours is just awesome.
-N
Wow. Just, wow. That was a heavy post. I think, from my limited viewpoint on the subject, that you would have made the wrong decision by going home, that as you said, it wouldn’t have accomplished the things that you thought it would. I spent a long time thinking that leaving a place meant leaving the me that lived there behind, or that going back would mean going back to the point in my life when I’d left a place. Took me a long time (and still learning) that you are the architect of the place in which you live, and you can be miserable anywhere or happy anywhere. It’s a state of mind.
I’m going to shut up now. :)
N – he isawesome. I know, intellectually, why I thought of leaving, but looking at him sitting next to me right now, I don’t know what ever possessed me to think that.
PH – Wow. That was a heavy answer. But you are right, life is what you make it, not what your location makes of you.
What was it Thoreau said, or maybe it was Emerson?
Happiness is wanting what you already have, instead of what you don’t have.
Dan – that’s an awesome quote, and so true.