KirstenL4W

And it’s just about out. I can’t do what I’ve been doing at security place long term. I’m just not cut out for that stuff. Like I’ve said before, I’m a paper person, a clerical worker. I mean, I know a lot of what I’ve been dealing with this past week stems from the disorganization of previous problems and the fact that I’m doing it pretty much all by myself without a clue as to how, but still. Will it get better? Somehow I don’t think so.

Yesterday I went into the office to finish payroll, and was there from about 12:30pm to 5:00am. The business being what it is, I had so many distractions and was sidetracked out of the office not once but twice - once to bring a guard to a site just to get it covered, because I couldn’t arrange transport with another patrol driver, and the second time to drive over 30 miles one way to help a patrol driver who had inadvertently gotten himself locked out of his truck. And of course trying to finish up payroll with all the knowledge that the two-minute tutorial I got has given me. And we can’t forget that I am a very concientious person, so I wanted to make sure that everything was correct to the best of my ability to ensure that payday (which is typically a mad zoo) goes as smoothly as possible. Grrr.

I have heard that the director’s position has been offered to me. That’s news to me, since no one has come up to me and said, Gee, I’d like to offer you the position. If that’s a taste of how good the communication is in that place, then I don’t want it. Also, being a huge proponent of efficiency and organization, I just don’t know if I could do it without screaming in frustration on a regular basis. I’ve known since the first minute I walked in there that efficiency and organization were not strong points that this company has. So, can I do the job? Yes. Would I be good at it? Most likely. Would I be happy? Probably not. Especially since I’m sitting home today, still burnt out on the place, avoiding it with everything I have. And I’m not even officially a director yet.

When I did go in yesterday, Dispatcher Guy, who is still trying to get me into the company he works for, asked me where the heck I have been. Apparently HR has been trying to call me and not getting through. I only have my cell phone, but it’s on all the time. I never ever turn it off unless I’m required to by say, a flight crew. Other than that it’s either on or just silent. And I have no issues getting voice mail, unless I’m out of range. Living in a large city such as this one, having no signal is not something I encounter on any regular basis, so getting messages is not something I have an issue with. Heck, I always get messages from my mother, and she’s in the middle of nowhere, New Hampshire. But yeah, I’d like to get into that company. It’s a large company, the pay is great, the benefits are great, and I hear it’s just an all around great company to work for. So why would I want to kill myself at security when I could have something better, even if the title isn’t as high?

Another reason for not wanting that job? It’s a black hole, as I’ve previously mentioned. Over the past month, mainly the time since I’ve been hired there, I’ve barely had time to do laundry, clean my house, or really do anything at my house except sleep, and even then I don’t have the time. I need to take care of me. I’m not getting any of that lately. Sure, I do have a social life - but that’s part of me holding on to my sanity as much as I can. But ME time? That I don’t have. I’m the kind of person who enjoys being able to come home and just chill. When the fuck was the last time I did that? I also know that I need a regular schedule, not this all over the map shit I’ve been doing lately. I need the same hours, and the same regularly scheduled time off. I’m so burnt that I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping, and as a result I have about 4 sheets of toilet paper left. I must go get toilet paper today.

I’ve also not had time to take care of things that really need doing, like my traffic school and fine stemming from the citation I got in September. The traffic school I can do online, which I am doing now, and that needs to be completed and the fine paid by 7:00am tomorrow. That’s 15 hours from now. No way in heck am I going to work tomrrow. Of course, I’d get this shit done a lot faster if I were not required by the fucking timer to spend so much time reading a certain page. The chapter I am on now is making me spend 41 minutes on it. I had it done in 4.1 minutes. All I can say is thank goodness for Firefox and tabs, so I can catch up on blogging at least.

Right now I just really need to withdraw, hide, and take some alone time to recuperate. I’m just feeling sick over not having that at all lately.

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