KirstenL4W

I drove, didn’t necessarily clear my head but I did get some thinking done. Not sure I accomplished anything with this thinking, but it was needed nonetheless. As I was driving towards Mesquite, I remembered when I drove in to Las Vegas on that road for the very first time. I want to go back home, but there’s so much standing in my way. I can’t afford to go home, I have too much credit card debt and moving right now won’t do anything to help that. I have no savings to speak of. I’m in the middle of trying to find a new job right now, and there are two possible scenarios facing me right now. I’ll either get a job that pays similar to what I make now, which means I continue working 2 jobs just to keep my head above water. By the time I pay off my credit card and save enough to move back home, I’m an AARP member. Either that or I get a job that pays me enough to pay off the card quickly and save a decent amount of money, but then I won’t want to leave because a job with that kind of pay would be a great career move and I’ll want to milk it for everything it’s worth. I’m stuck, and I hate being stuck. Boo is getting baptized in just a few short hours. I miss being there for stuff like that. And my social life, after over 3 years is picking up and I want to meet people. True friends will be my friends no matter where in the world I go, but if I resign myself to moving soon then I don’t make any friends and live my last months in Vegas as a lonely and depressed person. I just don’t want to do that right now. I want to be social, I want to meet men and flirt. The Man, I really want to flirt with him but the way things have been going in his life I feel like if I do say something flirtatious I’ll be saying the totally wrong thing. I think I did the other night, and it bugged me. I thought we were when we first met, but right now we are so not on the same wavelength and I really want to be. I didn’t cry tonite on my drive. I haven’t really cried in a while, except for the day I turned in my resignation. I’m afraid to cry lately, I just can’t do it. For someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve, that is so not like me. I think it has to do with the anxiety. I used to be able to have a good healthy cry and let it all out, and be able to differentiate that from an anxiety attack. Ever since I started taking the Paxil I haven’t had a good healthy cry. I don’t like that. I’ve still had anxiety attacks since being on it, when I was oversleeping and running out the door wtihout taking it. At first I didn’t mind, but now I hate being on it. I just want to experience all my emotions again, and I don’t feel like I am. But the withdrawal. Oh man, if I had an attack after 2 days of forgetting then trying to go off completely is gonna suck. I’ve heard that from so many people that have taken it. But I’m gonna try, and I guess just pray a lot that I don’t have any attacks or other withdrawal symptoms. I split all my pills - my doc moved me up to 20mg a few months ago but I don’t think it really did a darn thing, so I split them all to 10mg. Then after this bottle I’ll take a 10mg every other day, since I can’t split the pills more than once. We’ll see how things go but after that I think I’ll just phase it out completely. I also think it contributed to my weight gain. I did so well when I moved here, I lost about 15lbs going to Curves, then I got a life here and worked too much and never really got back into the swing of it. I want to go back. The regular gym I hated and cancelled my membership. If I had more free time and of course more money I’d go back to Curves. I gained almost 20lbs since starting the Paxil last year and I’ve read online that weight gain can be one of the side effects. I just don’t want to be on any drugs - except the acid reflux one, but that’s ok because it’s not gonna mess with my head. Drama drama drama, I’m sure you all think it’s so dramatic. I don’t want it to be. I just went through a bout last year when I thought I needed it - I was depressed and it probably had to do more with my feeling stuck than anything else. I hate feeling stuck - have I ever mentioned that? I don’t like feeling like I can’t do what I want in this worled because I’m tied in by circumstances. I still want to go home, but I don’t want to feel like a failure. Blah blah blah, too much stream of consciousness writing here. It’s more the type of stuff I put in my journal, but I don’t journal much anymore. I prefer typing to writing. Besides, as tired as I am right now I don’t think I’ll write anything legible. At least here I’ll still be able to read what I put down.

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