I don’t know if everyone has that someone, but there is someone I still think about. A lot. It’s Mr. Piercing Blue Eyes who used to live across the hall from me when I lived back in MA. We hit it off right away; you can read a bit more about it here.
I don’t know why I still think about him. I made the decision to cut things off, friendship and all, and I still feel it was the right move. I don’t regret it. But I wanted more from him, which is why I cut it off in the first place. I could not go on being friends with him the whole time knowing I wanted more. He knew that too and didn’t do anything about it. Even after I told him I could no longer have him in my life because of this, he still didn’t do anything about it. I told him straight out that I wanted him to fight for me. I still do, maybe that’s why I still think about him. I’ve tried googling him to see what he’s up to, but it’s no use. He’s too smart about computers to be google-able. Through my job I have access to 2 major job boards, and I even searched for his resume there. He’s not currently looking for another job through those sources.
About a year after I moved out here, we had a conversation. See, because of the distance between us, all we had was talk and it allowed us to grow closer. The conversation was about that, and what we wanted. I never made any secrets about what I wanted, but he’s not so forthcoming. He needs to sit on it and think about it for a month or so. Finally, we talked. I don’t remember much else from that conversation, but he did say, regarding me dating other people, that I had to because I was out here. He said that if he was 90% sure about us being together and I’m out here, then I have to date other people because of the distance. If he was 90% sure about us and I was back there, he wouldn’t want me to date anyone else at all. So you can imagine how I took that. I began going for that last 10%. I wanted all of him. I honestly thought he was the one. I had never felt that way about anyone in my life, and I really wanted to be with him.
In sessions with my head-shrinker, I came to realize that he’s very non-communicative because when I do need to talk to him, it takes him a month to open up, and that’s with a lot of work on my part. He’s not as willing to compromise, which was evidenced by the fact that we always watched what he wanted when it came to movies or tv (I have never before or since watched a horror movie, only with him). I on the other hand did compromise a lot. He has a couple of kids, and I always said I did not want that at all, I do not want to be a stepmother. So I came to see how one-sided it was, that I was doing all the giving, and that he had to go.
I still have a few photos of him, but they’re on a disc of photos from my old computer. I burned the letters and everything else. I felt that burning was the only way to go. Throwing them in the trash wouldn’t have been as cathartic. And I still hope that I come home one day and see him waiting by my door, ready to fight for me. I don’t know what I’d do if he did actually do that. I guess it’s my version of the fairy tale. But I know I can’t live for that, that I need to live my life for me, and the right guy will come along, one who has all the qualities I want, including the willingness to show his love by fighting for me.
(macoosh again/ having issues w/ login)
this for sure proves we’re twins… only my piercing blue eyes man would tell me he wanted to be with me forever, i’d give into that, and he’d say he never said it. it’s an odd place to be in, and i keep going back to it which just gets me mad at myself. he’s from ireland, and I sit here sometimes desperate to call because he’s something familiar, but he’s a terrible influence on my life and he means nothing but grief so I cannot allow myself to do it.
sometimes, though, that place…bad as it is…seems like it’d be better than nothing.
…wow…i meant to just comment about the similarities…but i kind of went off…anyway, i hope your situation works out better than mine :) oh…and i have to email you…i will…
Oh, Kirsten, I lived in fairy-tale land for five years. Very, very long story. I feel for you and more than I can ever really explain to many people, I do understand how you feel. Interesting post.