KirstenL4W

I’ve really not been in a talkative mood lately. Things at work still bug me, but at least the stress of “I have to deal with this forever” is gone. It’s been replaced by the “I gotta find a job” stress. I had an interview on Friday that I thought went really well. It’s a government job, which would be sweet, and it’s with an agency that I have an inkling of inside knowlege about because of my current job. Hopefully that was enough to push me to the top of the list. In the meantime, I’ll keep pounding the pavement.

Last night I slept. No big surprise there, but the length of time I slept was. I decided to close my eyes around 8:30pm, figuring I’d sleep for a few hours then get up and get online for awhile, then go back to sleep for a few hours. Nope. I got out of bed around 9:30 this morning. I didn’t sleep solidly the whole time, but rather just rolled out of bed when I felt like it. I feel so well rested; it’s a glorious thing. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

I finally got the rest of the stuff for my sister and packaged it up. Now I just need to get it to the post office and get it sent out. Hopefully that will be out Monday or Tuesday. I can’t wait for her to get it, she’ll be thrilled.

My mom is having Boo baptized next week. I wish I could go - those sort of things are the reasons why I miss them so much. I can’t just jump on a plane and fly home for every little thing, and I am getting really tired of being the person who visits once a year. I hate going home and having a bunch of people to check off my list, it doesn’t even feel like I’m visitng or spending quality time with them anymore. I just have a huge list of people to see and check them off. It sucks, I tell ya, sucks.

I went out with The Man tonite. He’s had a heck of a few days. Now that I know what’s been going on somewhat, I totally get why contact has been slim. But I dunno, maybe it’s just that I’m being impatient or something. I like him. I really like him. And if something is going to happen, which I hope it will, then I’m just not used to it happening this slowly. I just need to have more patience.

I guess that’s it for now. I’m just not feeling like sitting at the computer right now. I think I’ll just have some dessert and get to bed at a decent hour (as in, before midnight). Later y’all.

There are just so many changes going on in my life right now. I am actively looking for a new job. I had an interview today, and I think it went fairly well. It’s a government job, and the agency that it’s for is one that I have a bit of inside knowledge about through my current job, so hopefully that will give me a major edge over other candidates even though I have some doubts due to some of the questions I was asked today. Experience doing presentations? Experience with Access? Unfortunately, I have not yet had the opportunity to do that in my work so far. But, I am a quick study and eager to learn. Keep your fingers crossed for this one, because I really want it. It’s a significant amount of money more than I make now, but it’s also a secure career path with many opportunities for advancement.

My co-workers were interviewing people for my replacement today. It’s rather awkward. I mean, I know I’m leaving and they all say they don’t want to see me go, but I’m feeling really left out of everything. Even something simple like lunch plans. Hey, what are you doing for lunch today? We’re going to This Place, do you want anything? No, I’m rarely asked. Even if I never need anything or want/can go, I’d still like to be asked. Those sorts of things bother me more when I’m having low self esteem moments.

I’m having some self doubts about other areas of my life, but rather than wallow in them I’m just pushing forward. The days of me coming home to an empty apartment need to end. Remote Control, I love you but you can’t rule my life anymore. The Man has been out of contact today. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure if I should make anything of it. I mean, I’ve only known him a week. It’s been an incredible week, but I don’t know. I know he had a bad day yesterday. Is he taking a day off today? I’d like to know, but after Mr. Piercing Blue Eyes, I don’t have the patience for that kind of moodiness and non-communication. Mr. PBE’s brother once told me that PBE is worse than a woman with bad pms. I’m sorry, but as a woman who gets pms, I can’t deal with it in a man. But as far as The Man goes, if there’s anything else, then I’d just like to know. Tell me with something other than silence. Just tell me. I’d rather just hear it straight out than sit and wonder, and have the lengthening silence slowly bring me to my senses.

I feel big changes coming in my life, and not just with my job. I just feel a huge shake-up going on all over. My mom is moving to a town I had trouble finding on a map. Now when she talks of home I’ll only have the vaguest of ideas. My job is changing, and I’m feeling an insatiable need to change my social situation. Too much all at once and my brain is going beserk. Lots of incoherent thinking going on, lots to write about, lots to get out.

I haven’t eaten since 10:30am, and I’m famished. Time to cook dinner and relax a bit. Perhaps I’ll get some sleep tonite too. Been getting far too little of that lately.

“You may have been letting tasks and chores around the house go for a few days, Kirsten, and so today you might decide that you need to get them all done at once. You have both the energy and the stamina to do this, so go to it. However, take care not to get too caught up in tiny little details that only you tend to notice. This can keep you from getting the most important chores done.”

That was my horoscope today, the one I get mailed to me every day. I know horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only, but sometimes they are so on the money. See, with cleaning my house, it’s also a bit of a feng shui thing. I’ve noticed that when my house is not clean, I feel like my life is out of control. Or is it that when my life is out of control, my housekeeping takes a dive? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Either way, I need to clean my house. I have to work tonite, and I hate to start cleaning so late because I just. won’t. stop. I really don’t need to be up until the wee hours attacking every speck of dirt I see. But, as The Man might be coming over after a meeting later tonite, I should at least unbury my kitchen counters and get some dishes done. That’s a small, manageable task that will make a big difference. Then this weekend I can focus on the rest of the mess.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Yay me! I’ve been leaving absolutely no stone unturned in my job search, and it’s really a major stress reducer to have Mad Scientist on the same page as me and supporting me through this, so hopefully those feel good vibes will show through during an interview and help me get a fabulous job quickly. I hate going into interviews with the “I’m desperate” vibe, because it’s really not worth the time. That bad vibe will show through and I won’t get the job. But I feel good, I feel confident, and I’m hoping for things to get worked out quickly.

Every now and then, there comes a time in life that, well, shakes things up big time. Sometimes it’s voluntary, sometimes it’s not, and sometimes it’s just due to serendipity. For me, right now I think it’s a bit of all three.

First of all, you all must have read by now about the new church building. What an awesome thing! I’m still looking forward to growing into the new space and watching our congregation grow.

Probably the biggest thing right now is (sit down) that I am looking for a new job. I turned in my resignation last night. That’s right folks, you heard me correctly. I will not longer be working for this company. Why, you ask? Well, see, it just got to a point where I can no longer grow in the direction I want to with this company. The old brick wall. I want to do more, to go further, and it’s been frustrating to not have that opportunity, even as the business grows. So Mad Scientist and I discussed it and we both decided that it would be the best thing for both of us. Even though the frustration at hitting that wall, or ceiling, has affected my performance, Mad Sci still recognizes my strengths and has no problem providing a good reference to help me succeed in the ways that I can. So, since I do not currently have a job lined up yet, I am pounding the pavement, or the keyboard if you will, to find another job. To make sure that I leave no stone unturned, if anyone is looking for an efficient and organized administrative assistant in Las Vegas, please let me know. I will gladly forward my resume.

Now, The Man. I’m sure you are all wondering. Ha. Right now we are developing a friendship, which is the most important basis of all relationships. Who knows what will happen in the future, but the friendship is off to a solid start. To those who might think that well, maybe he doesn’t like you or whatever, I say phooey. I know what the ad said when I answered it, and like I said, a friendship is the basis for what he was seeking from the ad. If you can’t be friends, then what can you be? Yes, I like him. Yes, I would like to see it go further. So far he has shown himself to be honest, open, caring, supportive, hardworking, and I certainly hope that whatever he his looking for in a friendship or more, he can find in me. I can only be myself and see what happens.

Thinking about it on a larger scale, I also recognize that sometimes certain people come into our lives for only a short time, and for a good reason. A decade or so ago I met one of those people. She came from my ancestral land and we quickly developed a friendship, and not just because we had a cultural heritage in common. She was a few years older, wiser, well traveled and had a more grounded, philosophical outlook on life. In my early 20s, I certainly needed that. She was in this country for about 5 months, and then went home. We stayed in touch, and a year later, after much turmoil in my life, both inner and outer, the opportunity arose for me to go visit her. I quickly jumped on it, making plans to be out of my life for a month while I went to visit her in Sweden, then taking some time to myself to travel to Paris and London. I don’t know of anyone who has taken a trip around Europe, staying with friends and in hostels, that can honestly say it hasn’t changed their life in one way or another. But I digress. The point is, after I got home and got stuck in the depression of wanderlust and trying to figure out what to do with my life, I somehow let it slip my mind to write her and stay in touch. It was nearly 6 months later that it finally dawned on me that I hadn’t even written to say thank you. I felt like such a dolt, and sent a letter off to her poste haste. She never replied. I was upset for awhile, but I have come to terms that she was in my life for only a short time to help me have opportunities that I would not have otherwise had.

After that trip, I spent many years wondering what the heck to do with my life. I really wanted to move somewhere far away, and I put a lot of time and effort into trying to figure out how to take things in that direction. After much thought and nothing feeling right, I shelved the idea. The main reason was that I felt too much like I was running away from something, and I didn’t want to run like that. It took me years to figure out that I need to go TO something, and what that something was. As it turns out, there are two Kirstens. (I am a Gemini, you know.) The first Kirsten is the one that everyone sees - a bit homely, lacking confidence and self esteem, with a pleaser personality. The second Kirsten is the one that exists in my head. She’s the Kirsten I want to be, that I imagine myself being. She’s confident, successful, and happy. As I revisited this thought process about moving, it occured to me that if I move far away, away from the external pressures of everyone’s expectations of me, that I might be able to reconcile those two Kirstens into one real being. I’m getting close. I don’t know how close; I think it will always be a struggle. But I like who I’m becoming. Moving to Vegas, something no one ever expected out of me, had a hand in that, as has moving away from my family and all my support systems. At this point, more than 3 years after moving to this neon jungle, I’m fairly certain what I want my next move to be. Being here is preparing me for the appreciation of that place that I will need to be happy. But I’m not ready to leave yet - not today.

The Man, I think, is part of that journey to reconcile my two parts into one being. The thoughts we have shared, the things we have in common, and the existential struggles we are going through make me believe that. Right now, I am hoping that he will be a part of my life for a long time. But if that is not what is to be, then he has already helped me so much, by being supportive and caring and a calming influence when I was upset about ending my tenure with my current employer. In a city where one does not have a lot of close friendships, where they are hard to come by because everyone is coming and going so often, he came along at just the right time. I hope we can continue being friends and explore those common interests, and grow ourselves personally with the support of each other.

Ok, I need to step back into the here and now. I need to get back on track and look for a new job here. I’ve got phone calls to make, resumes to email, want ads to read. And I need to stay awake because I have to work tonite, and I only got 2 hours sleep last night.

¹⁸Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. ¹⁹Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. ²⁰The beast of the field shall honor me, the dragons and the owls; because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen. ²¹This people I have formed for myself; they shall shew forth my praise. Isaiah 43:18-21

That is the theme passage for New Song Church. I have been worhsipping there since August 2003, a couple months after I moved to Las Vegas. The church itself is brand new; the first public worship was held on January 5, 2003. Today, 3 years, 8 months and 20 days after that very first gathering, we had another first: our first worship service in our permanent home. This is the 21st century, and a church building cannot get built without money. That money must come from the people who wish to worship there. It’s the old chicken or egg thing. So we worshipped, prayed, and gave to be able to have a place to call home, and today that became a reality. Our new building is just awesome! It is so wonderful to have a place to call home and to have a very visual presence in the community.

All sorts of celebrations were planned for this weekend. We had originally hoped to be in the building in June or July. Then August. Then the first weekend in September. You get the picture. We got our occupancy permit on Thursday, September 21. The Dedication weekend began with an entertainment extravaganza the very next day. Good thing we got in there in time, otherwise we would have been performing in the parking lot! Jason, our music minister, knows so many wonderfully talented people in town, many of whom dedicated their time and talent to help us celebrate.

I am on the audio/video crew at church. Really, I don’t do much in the way of audio or video. I do VISUAL stuff though. During the Praise Service and the Contemporary Worship service, I make and run a powerpoint slideshow so that people can look up and not worry about where in the bulletin we are. I enjoy it; I like that behind-the-scenes stuff. Our new building has a great a/v corner, my favorite part of it is that it’s in the sanctuary and not in its own room somewhere. I feel more connected to the service and my fellow congregants, and it makes my worship experience so much more meaningful.

We were blessed today with the talents of Rick Alonzo, who painted 3 wonderful paintings for us. He coordinates his creation of the art to music and turns it into a short performance, and it was so awesome to have him share his gifts with us.

I am still so high from the events of this weekend. I’m a charter member of the church, which is a rare privilege, and I, along with a lot of other people, have been looking forward to this day for a long time. Of course, with the new worship schedule, new a/v equipment to learn, and soooo many people there today, I did not get to socialize with everyone as much as I had hoped to because I was just so busy. But it was fun, and I’m so thankful that I am able to be a part of this.

I have many pictures that I took today; you can all go here to see them.

I went out today. With someone, for a change. Usually I spend my Saturdays, my only day off, running errands and doing chores, so it seems I have no time for a social life. But this person I had lunch (and dinner) with, I don’t know how it happened, really. It was an ad, one of those personal ads that you really shouldn’t answer, mixed in with all the other typical ads, and I felt compelled to reply. So out of character for me.

Since I answered his ad, we’ve been emailing back and forth - a lot. We’ve been text messaging each other - a lot. (I really have to add that to my cell phone contract to keep the costs under control.) This all started Thursday. Just 2 days ago. Today, we met for lunch. After 2 days of intense emails, text messages and IM conversations, we met for the first time.

I’m not sure what I expected. I read his blog. It reads a lot like my journals when I can’t sort shit out in my head, except of course written from a guy’s point of view. Conversation today was just so NORMAL. Nothing wrong with that. He was so easy to talk to, even though our conversations weren’t as intense as the online. It wasn’t awkward, there were none of the weird silences at all, which over 5 hours is a pretty cool thing.

We’re chatting online as I type this. We’re both multitasking, me blogging, chatting, listening to music, and doing a little web surfing on the side. I think he’s chatting, working, and surfing in addition to talking to me. Still, other distractions aside, they aren’t taking away from the conversation at all.

I want to keep getting to know him.

Ok, so I wasn’t tagged, but sometimes I have an insatiable urge to do these things. So here goes: (thanks, Gouda)

1. The last movie you saw in a theatre, and current-release movie you still want to see. Last movie in a theater: Little Miss Sunshine. Go see it, it was hysterical and sweet. I never laughed so hard. This is one that I eagerly await the DVD release of. Current movie still to see: Last Kiss. I loved Garden State, and the soundtrack, so I really want to see what Zach Braff has put together for us this time.

2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing. Rented? I can’t remember, it’s been so long. Shopgirl maybe? Purchased, that would be Pushing Tin. It was in the cheapo bin at War-Mart, and I’ve never sat down and watched the whole thing. I do like to go to the airport when I have free time; there’s a parking lot on Sunset Rd that gives you a really good view of the 7/25 runways, plus you can tune your radio to listen to tower communications. Since Las Vegas is a busy airport, it’s pretty fun.

3. A movie that made you laugh out loud. Little Miss Sunshine, again. Also Tommy Boy, Office Space, Napoleon Dynamite, Benchwarmers, and other similar stupid movies.

4. A movie that made you cry. I cry a lot at movies. But let’s see, favorite movies to turn on the waterworks? Simon Birch, Beaches, The Man in the Moon - and those are just from my collection.

5. A movie that was a darling of the critics, but you didn’t think lived up to the hype. That would have to be Sideways. I turned it off halfway through. I just couldn’t get into it. Usually I like critically acclaimed movies.

6. A movie that you thought was better than the critics. Honestly, I can’t think of one right now. My head is spinning and blank at the same time with movie titles going through it, but I can’t think of any in particular that I liked that were panned.

7. Favorite animated movie. Cinderella, the original Disney version. It’s a classic.

8. Favorite Disney Villain. Favorite villain? I’m always focused on the prince!

9. Favorite movie musical. The Sound of Music. The hills are alive…

10. Favorite movies of all-time (up to five). Ok, five then. Ruby in Paradise, Muriel’s Wedding, When Harry Met Sally, A Christmas Story, and, well, I can’t think of a fifth one right now.

Now, who to tag with this one? Everyone!!!!! Ha ha ha, I am so mean!

It seems I’m getting a lot of visitors to this post via Google. That particular charge, which I put in that post excatly as it was written on my credit card bill, and like me, many people are turning to the power of Google to figure out what the heck it is. As far as I’ve been able to tell, it’s a company in Singapore that sells phone cards. I don’t know if it’s legit or not, but someone is buying $10 and $20 phone cards through that company with our credit card numbers. Like one of my commenters said, it sometimes happens that crooks will actually go through random numbers and see if they get a hit. Heck, we do that in my line of work - not with credit card numbers, but phone numbers. (I’ll explain. We’re headhunters, and when trying to recruit people we have to try and get names and to the right person through a gatekeeper, aka receptionist. This tactic isn’t very successful, especially if you don’t know a name. So what we’ll do is after hours, call the main number to a company and the phone tree. 555-1000. Then, if there’s no directory, we’ll start dialing numbers - 555-1001, 555-1002, etc. to see what the voice mail messages say. It’s suprisingly successful.) So it appears that’s what is happening here. So, if anyone gets that weird charge on their credit card bills, it’s fraudulent! Don’t take no for an answer! Make sure you get the fraud department, make sure they close your account and issue you a new card number, and make sure they send you the fraud paperwork.

I got a new card with a new number, my online stuff was transferred to the new number, and I got the paperwork, which I sent in right away. It’s a simple one page easy to understand form, and since the only other thing I was using that card for was my storage unit it was very easy to see what charges are fraudulent. Be vigilant and check your statements carefully!

Good luck to all who have this problem.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Thanks to Gem for this, who found it via another blog.

BTW, I am more than just a life blogger. I am a blogaholic. And I have no intention of stopping.

I went to the 99¢ store at lunch today, since I was actually able to step away from the office. I as I was walking around, I remembered when Sis first told me she was pregnant. She said the baby didn’t like chocolate, and were joking that it can’t belong to Sis if that were so. But, as Mia doesn’t like chocolate (we’ll change that after she’s born), I saw some great stuff there and got that instead.



I’ll keep the chocolate for myself, since I deperately need it. (No I don’t. Really I don’t.) Yes I do. Who am I trying to kid?

For those who can’t find these candies anywhere, you can get them here. Another good source for favorite foods you’re nostalgic for is Hometown Favorites. Perfect for people like myself who can’t find their favorite foods because they moved too far away.

Anyway, as far as my sister goes, just a couple more things to get her.

I went shopping tonite for items to put in the bed rest survival kit. I was surprised at how little I really know my sister. Even something simple like candy should have been easy to pick out, but I really have no idea what she likes, other than bitching at people. But I stuck it out and got some decent stuff. Sometimes I hate that I enjoy giving gifts so much, because it’s so freaking expensive. Anyway, here’s what I got:

• War-Mart brand peanut butter cups and caramel cups (if she doesn’t like them she can send them back - I love these!)
• Learn to crochet kit
• white yarn
• weekly world news
• BOP magazine
• Big coloring and activity book
• Lisa Frank coloring book and pencil kit
• crossword puzzle and other puzzles book
• The Old 96er box of Crayola crayons
• pocket electronic solitaire game
• whoopie cushion
• headphones for the old discman I have
• beginner little bitty cross stitch kit and needles
• pregnancy magazine

There are still a few more things I want to get her that I couldn’t find at War-Mart. I need to go to the crap craft store to find the right colored yarn, all the colors they have a War-Mart are garish. The house is too small for Mia to have her own room right now, so her corner in my sister’s room will be soft pink, sage green and white. Also, I wanted to get Sis a few pampering items, bath stuff and the like. I’ll have to check out a few other stores for that. And I figured all great gifts need a card. Colorful Texan loves making cards, she’s got tons and tons of papers and stamps and stuff, so she’s gonna make a card for me to give to Sis.

And for the rest of the stuff, my mom is going to put together a Baby Shower in a Box for Sis. Since we are all poor and can’t travel, shipping the party is the only way she’ll get one. Mom will include things like a baby book, scrapbooking materials, and practical things like bottles, binkies, outfits, etc. Between me and mom, we should be able to keep Sis from bitching too much during the next 3 months.

Sorry I’ve not been posting as much lately. I just feel like my brain is full and I can’t even think. It will soon pass, I hope, because I hate the thought of not feeling like posting here.

My sister is on total bed rest. She’s just entering her 6th month, and she’s got pubic symphysis separation. This painful condition first reared its ugly head when Messy J was born 7 years ago. During delivery, she felt a massive pain way worse than she should have, and had trouble walking and doing anything for the next few weeks. Now that she’s pregnant again, she’s been increasingly uncomfortable until she got into a car accident last week. She had the green light and started to go when some kid in a pickup rand the crossing red and t-boned her. That really aggravated her discomfort, and a doctor’s visit yesterday confirmed that it’s separated again. She’s been ordered to total bed rest and is bored silly. She doesn’t have internet, cable, or even a vcr or dvd player in her bedroom, so she’s quickly going beserk and she’s gonna take me with her, because she keeps calling me. I don’t mind talking to her once in awhile, but this is too many conversations with not enough substance. To help her for a day or two, I’ve decided to start putting together a Bed Rest Survival Kit to send to her. She just wants sympathy right now, so that will help.

I’ve been feeling very unmotivated lately. I have things around the house to do that I just don’t feel like doing, and even computer things that I don’t feel like doing. I’ve been wanting to clean up my bookmarks for the longest time, especially since I began blogging and have added tons more. But I just don’t feel like it. I’m still not worried about that too much at this point, because these things usually come in waves, and soon the motivational wave will be back. I just hope it’s back in time to do laundry and dishes.

So, since I don’t feel like doing much, I’m gonna aimlessly wander around the web for a little while longer before I go totally brain dead in front of the tv. Hopefully I’ll be back to interesting posts again soon.

I started going to bed before midnight lately. It’s been wonderful to actually get some sleep. The biggest kick in the head was the fact that I way overslept the other day. I was up blogging the night before, went to bed around midnight, but still could not get to sleep. I stayed awake well past 2am and through an entire show of “The Joy of Painting.” (I have a post based on that partially written in my head, but I’ll write it later.) When my alarm went off at 6, my head hurt. Bad. So I reset my alarm for 7, the absolute latest I can get away with. I thought a little more sleep would help the migraine, since that’s why I usually get them. I didn’t hear my alarm go off again, and when I woke up the clock said 8:02. I’m supposed to be at work at 8. That really didn’t help my headache, or my mood. So I need to step up my disciplinary efforts to make sure I am getting to work on time and getting enough sleep.

Tomorrow is Friday, though, and I can stay up late then. But now, it’s time for dinner, a little tv, and some shut-eye.

I don’t know if everyone has that someone, but there is someone I still think about. A lot. It’s Mr. Piercing Blue Eyes who used to live across the hall from me when I lived back in MA. We hit it off right away; you can read a bit more about it here.

I don’t know why I still think about him. I made the decision to cut things off, friendship and all, and I still feel it was the right move. I don’t regret it. But I wanted more from him, which is why I cut it off in the first place. I could not go on being friends with him the whole time knowing I wanted more. He knew that too and didn’t do anything about it. Even after I told him I could no longer have him in my life because of this, he still didn’t do anything about it. I told him straight out that I wanted him to fight for me. I still do, maybe that’s why I still think about him. I’ve tried googling him to see what he’s up to, but it’s no use. He’s too smart about computers to be google-able. Through my job I have access to 2 major job boards, and I even searched for his resume there. He’s not currently looking for another job through those sources.

About a year after I moved out here, we had a conversation. See, because of the distance between us, all we had was talk and it allowed us to grow closer. The conversation was about that, and what we wanted. I never made any secrets about what I wanted, but he’s not so forthcoming. He needs to sit on it and think about it for a month or so. Finally, we talked. I don’t remember much else from that conversation, but he did say, regarding me dating other people, that I had to because I was out here. He said that if he was 90% sure about us being together and I’m out here, then I have to date other people because of the distance. If he was 90% sure about us and I was back there, he wouldn’t want me to date anyone else at all. So you can imagine how I took that. I began going for that last 10%. I wanted all of him. I honestly thought he was the one. I had never felt that way about anyone in my life, and I really wanted to be with him.

In sessions with my head-shrinker, I came to realize that he’s very non-communicative because when I do need to talk to him, it takes him a month to open up, and that’s with a lot of work on my part. He’s not as willing to compromise, which was evidenced by the fact that we always watched what he wanted when it came to movies or tv (I have never before or since watched a horror movie, only with him). I on the other hand did compromise a lot. He has a couple of kids, and I always said I did not want that at all, I do not want to be a stepmother. So I came to see how one-sided it was, that I was doing all the giving, and that he had to go.

I still have a few photos of him, but they’re on a disc of photos from my old computer. I burned the letters and everything else. I felt that burning was the only way to go. Throwing them in the trash wouldn’t have been as cathartic. And I still hope that I come home one day and see him waiting by my door, ready to fight for me. I don’t know what I’d do if he did actually do that. I guess it’s my version of the fairy tale. But I know I can’t live for that, that I need to live my life for me, and the right guy will come along, one who has all the qualities I want, including the willingness to show his love by fighting for me.

Why the posts are at the bottom of the page in IE but not in Firefox. I deleted the latest post, thinking that might be it, but no. So it must be my kit kat post because things were fine before that. I don’t get it, and I can’t play with it now. I’ll check it out later tonite.

Later that day… Never mind, I figured it out. I need to know when to stop blogging is all. I was too tired to notice that I put a ? instead of a > in the code. Must stick to curfew!

Gimmee a break, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!

Sorry for putting that stupid tune in your head. The old Assistant Shoe Boss has returned from Japan, and she came bearing gifts. Candy, actually. Check this out:

I don’t read Japanese, so I was trying to figure it out. Kit Kat I got. I saw the apple too. But the mountains? Don’t they put that on laundry detergent? I gathered that I would soon be eating an Apple flavored, Mountain-fresh scented Kit Kat Bar.

I love going to the grocery store in other countries - it’s so much fun to see the selection and different offerings in the rest of the world. If anyone travels the world, skip the restaraunts and monuments for a bit and head to the supermarket. It’s most fun trying to figure it out when you don’t speak the language. Once, in a hostel in San Fransicso, I saw a Russian couple putting salsa on their spaghetting. I could get how they missed that one, since it only had pictures of tomatoes and other vegetables often found in spaghetti sauce in there. Myself, I don’t have a very adventurous stomach, so I tend to stick with things I’m sure about.

Anyway, back to my candy. I carefully broke open the box (I knew I’d want to take a picture of it to show all of you) and took a sniff. It was wrapped in that plasti-foil packaging, two packages of two bars each. Once I ripped open the packaging, the apple smell was really noticeable, but I didn’t get that mountain-fresh smell. I like apples, and I like KitKats, so I decided to take a bit. It was different, that’s for sure. I come from an apple town, but I can honestly say I’ve never had apple flavored chocolates before. The apple flavor was really crisp. They really captured that fresh-off-the-tree taste. But I liked it! It was pretty darn good, once my palate got over the strange combination of flavors.

For more than you could ever hope to know about Kit Kat bars, check out this site.

Every generation seems to have their moment. Where were you when Pearl Harbor was bombed? Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you when the Challenger Space Shuttle blew up? (I remember that one vividly.) And where were you on September 11, 2001?

It was a Tuesday, and I started my work day as usual at the graphic design firm. Just before 9am, my FedEx delivery guy came in and told me a plan hit one of the buildings at the World Trade Center. I was thinking it was a smaller plane, like when the Empire State Building got hit many decades ago. I went online to get the news, but was only finding one-line breaking news updates, since the news was so new. Then, after the rest of the office went into their morning meeting, Jules called from home (she was still on maternity leave) and wanted to speak to Joey. I told her she was in the meeting, and Jules told me that a plane hit the WTC. I said I knew about it. She said, no, it was another one, the other building, on live tv. I could not believe my ears. I was trying to get online to read the news, but every single website that had news was busy and I could not get on. ABC, NBC, CBS, even BBC, CBC, ABC Australia - all jammed. Couldn’t get on a single one.

I didn’t have a radio in my office, so I tried to get online to the local talk news station to stream their broadcast, but I couldn’t get that either. Then I just decided to stream my regular radio station. They were playing a few songs, then would update on the situation. One tower hit. Then another. Then the Pentagon. Then a tower fell. Then another plan was hijacked and on its way to Washington DC. Every time they updated the news, something else had happened. I felt like the whole world was coming to an end. I was really wishing we had some sort of tv reception or cable at the office so I could watch the news. Then around 10am, one of the bosses came in and told me we were closing. By this time my head was spinning. I lived alone and didn’t want to go home and make myself crazy watching the news all day, so I called my aunt and told her I was coming over.

As I left work and headed to my aunt’s house, I was listening to the radio. It was only mid-morning, but by this time very few stations were playing music anymore. One station played “Imagine” by John Lennon. I really feared I would not make it to my aunt’s house, that this was the apocolypse. The hardest thing was not knowing. I mean, I knew what was happening, but as someone who best processes information when it’s received visually, I still felt like I didn’t know. I needed to see the tv and see for myself.

The tv was on, alright. I went with my aunt to pick up Pickle from school. The schools allowed parents to pick their kids up, but encouraged leaving them there for a sense of normalcy. Pickle was just fine, his usual precocious self. The older kids came home on the bus in the afternoon and went to the living room to watch Nickelodeon or Disney Channel, the only 2 channels that still had regular programming. I stayed with my aunt and also went up to my Gram’s house. She knew the feeling of not knowing, the feelings of the family and friends of all the people who were in or near the towers, Pentagon, or other plans. She told me of when my grandfather was in the Navy, there was an explosion at the base. Gram knew about it, but that was it. It wasn’t until later that evening that someone showed up at the house where she was staying. He asked if she was Mrs. W, and she said yes. He said that Gramp told him to tell her that he’s ok. I can’t remember what the explosion was, I think it was a bomb fell off a truck or something like that, but it killed a bunch of people in my grandfather’s company. If he had been with them it would likely have killed him too, but he was in the hospital recovering from surgery to remove a cyst. It did knock him out of bed, though. Sitting with my Gram and listening to her was great - even when we’re just sitting there not saying anything, it’s very comforting to be in her presence. But I had to leave, as I had other plans.

Tuesday nights I always had standing plans with Officer Friend. We would always watch NYPD Blue - I’ve seen every episode, thanks to him. At the time he was only a part time police officer and worked as a full time maintenance director at the mall. The malls closed early that day, so Mrs. Friend was home too. She drove all the way there to find out the mall was closing when her shift was supposed to start. Blue obviously wasn’t on that night, so we decided to go out to eat. We called first to see if anything was open, and FruitBug’s Neighborhood Grill was, so that’s where we went. It wasn’t crowded at all, and the President was making his address on tv. The colors on the tv there were really bad, so it looked like W was an Oompa Loompa - he had orange skin and green hair. That was the first time I laughed all day. After dinner we went back to the Friend’s house, and I stayed as long as I could, but eventually had to go home. My brain was so full from everything that happened that day, and I really needed a diversion. The news was still on every single station, so I put it on the Cartoon Network or something like that just so I could sleep. Charlie Gibson was still on, reporting the news, and he does the morning show so I know he’d been on the air for something like 16 hours. Peter Jennings was getting tired too; his Canadian accent was coming out pretty thick.

The next few days were a bit of a haze for me as I was still digesting the reality of the whole situation. When I went to work at Job#2 that following Thursday (yes, I’ve often worked 2 jobs simultaneously), one of the other Key Bitches told me that I looked like I was in shock. I guess I was. I still couldn’t really think straight, but it was really slow that night so I didn’t have to. The next night, Friday, I went to the mall just to distract myself, but as I was walking in I came upon the 7:00 candlelight vigil that the nation had planned, so I joined in, right there in the parking lot. Someone handed out candles, and we stood silently for a bit then sang some songs - I think “God Bless America” was one. Then I wandered around the mall in a daze and drove home. It was on the way home that it hit me. I can’t remember what triggered it, maybe it was a song on the radio, but I just started crying. I cried so hard that I had to pull over for a few minutes to let it all out. It took me nearly 4 days to cry, to let it out. I walked around in shock all that time. Once I let it out, I felt better, but only in that I got my mind back.

In the month that followed, the already slowing economy ground to a screeching halt, especially in Massachusetts. I was laid off from my job at the graphics place, and Officer Friend lost his dad to a long illness. That upset me too, because it was the same illness that my wicked stepmother should have died from long ago, but instead it claimed a wonderful man and leaves the mega bitch to prolong all our suffering. I called my dad crying that morning, told him what happened, and started screaming out that it wasn’t fair. By the end of that week I was unemployed.

September 11, 2001 continues to have far reaching effects on the lives of each and every one of us, and will have for a very long time - just like the bombing of Pearl Harbor. No one can predict whether things will get better or worse, or what will be written in the history books about the times we live in now. All we can do is make the most of each day and enjoy the time we do have.

I was in NYC six months before that date. I had a bad cold (really bad - Uncle N Period was making fun of me because of the awful noises I made blowing my nose), but I managed to get downtown and visit the area. We went to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and of course the WTC and ate lunch on the concourse level before taking the PATH tubes back to NJ. I took this picture during that trip, as the ferry was leaving Ellis Island. At the time I took it, I figured it was yet another picture of the downtown NYC skyline, and put it away in a box with the rest of my “boring” photos. After 9/11, I dug furiously through my photo collection because I knew I had pictures of the WTC in there, and I found this one. I hope you enjoy it.

Ok, I admit it. I’m a Windows user. Blame it on circumstance - and money. It all started in late 1998 when I came home from work one winter evening. As I was walking through the dark dining room to get to my bedroom, I sensed a large presence in the room with me. I turned on the light and saw a few large boxes taking up the space. Oh, great. Being of the younger generation, I knew that I would be the one who would have to show Dad how to use the darn thing. Problem was, I had very little experience on computers myself at that point. Luckily, I could learn in a hurry. I was at the time working for a temp agency, in their office, and they offered free computer training to all their employees. Since the next day was New Year’s Eve, and we’d have a very slow half day, I asked the boss if I could get on there to at least have a starting point. I learned enough in those couple hours to at least figure out how to turn the thing on and start doing something. But it was definitely a case of the blind leading the blind.

The very little experience I had on computers was using pre-Windows operating systems, mainly DOS. I started in elemntary school (4th and 5th grade) on the Apple IIE learning Basic, typing in commands to make a box or circle or something silly. Back then, I figured computers were a cool toy that didn’t really do much. By high school, I was still using Basic but had moved up to WordPerfect to type the occassional paper. College was pretty much more of the same, and I even got a taste of online then. I used to type in commands to connect to a telnet BBS. I even met a very good friend on there, in a very roundabout way. I was meeting people online before anyone knew how freaky that could be. But back to Dad’s computer. This ran Windows 98. I knew nothing about Windows before that mad rush training session. I knew it was popular. I knew it was run by some hippie tech geek guy in Washington, on the other side of the earth. I knew people bought it like mad - Windows 98 was like the Tickle Me Elmo of its day. Problem was, I had no idea why.

On New Year’s Eve, I got home from work early and did a bit of poking around my room before putting in the order for Chinese food. As I got down to the dining room, I found my dad in there with computer components all around him, empty boxes strewn about, and various cords in his hand. I’ve never seen my Dad look as lost as he did that night. Luckily, I new this part. It’s like doing a puzzle - they all only fit into one place. Today they’re color coded to make things even easier, but it wasn’t that easy then. I still managed to get it plugged in and booted up. We’d be playing with it, then stop for a few minutes to read the useless books that came with, and the screen saver would kick in. It was password protected, and we couldn’t figure out what the password was or how to get rid of it. So I put in a call to my uncle, who had recently purchased a computer of his own. He told me how to remove the password, and we were off and running. Sort of.

There’s only so much one can do with a computer that’s not online yet. By my uncle’s advice, Dad made an appointment with the cable company to get online, but that was a month out. In the meantime, I got very good at playing solitaire and teaching my nephew how to print out all sorts of silly pictures on Paint. I still have some of those pics. Here’s a tip: never let a 5 year old print anything. You’ll go through hundreds of dollars worth of ink cartridges over the course of a month.

Anyway, by the end of January the cable guy had come to the house and gotten us online. All of a sudden I was swallowed in the vortex of cyberspace. I’m still stuck there. I’d go online after my Dad had gone to bed, staying online so long that my mousing hand would freeze stiff. I wrote down tons and tons of websites to visit, and actually visited them. I set up an email account and got into online dating, much to the chagrin of Officer Friend, who insisted on running all these guys through the police department computers rather than letting my trust my instincts. I’m very picky; I may have gotten my heart broken a few times but I’ve never ever put myself in a situation where I felt that danger was at hand. Ok, going off on too many gangents right now. Back to computing.

One night not long after getting the family computer online, my stepmonster asked a favor of me. Since I was obviously at the top of the tech food chain in the household, I was the one everyone turned to whenever there was a problem, despite the fact that I’d only been computing for mere weeks. One night at dinner, my stepmonster opened up IE and a porn page came up. I was appalled. She said, “Now, I know you like looking at this stuff, but can you please put it back the way it was?” I was pissed. At the time no one knew how it got there, but I couldn’t figure out hwo to change it back. So I downloaded Netscape and we began using that. It wasn’t until months later that I learned about the various virii, spyware, and other weird shit that made IE’s homepage reset itself. At least my Dad told her not to yell at me for it, which was nice.

During this time, through various temp jobs and my new reception job at a graphic design firm, I learned that the tech support team can be your very best friends - just be sure to treat them nicely. I learned a lot about what I now know about computers by being nice, doing favors, and picking their brains. Tech geeks are your friends, trust me.

Since I was working at the graphic design firm, I was using a Mac at work all day long. Pretty soon I was more proficient on the Mac than I was on the PC. Also, late in the summer of that year, not long after my niece was born, I moved out of the house and got my own place, so I had no computer at home. My Dad had to learn to email all by himself when I moved out instead of relying on me to do his emailing for him. My mother had also purchased a computer in this time, and after awhile I got tired of my parents calling me up with every single little computer problem they had, so I decided to go out and get myself a computer. I really wanted a Mac - the pretty iMacs had just come out and I really wanted one. But, due to my family pestering me and not understading why I did not know the answers to their problems, I got a PC. For the time, it was a pretty decent machine and it served me well for 5 years.

When that computer was starting to make me nervous because I knew its days were numbered, I bought a new computer. Instead of going to the store, I decided to order one online. Yes, I bought a Dell. I know you tech snobs stare down your noses at Dell, but for an average yoyo like myself, they’re pretty great. Again, I would have preferred to get a Mac, but now I’m working in a PC environment and rely heavily on that standard, so another PC it was. I wanted to specify what I wanted, and I’d heard about their decent customer service, so online I went and picked out what I wanted. I’m pretty happy with it.

Now for the future. I still want a Mac, but one of these years when I get around to getting myself a laptop, a MacBook it will be. I may have a PC for my desktop system, but for a laptop I wouldn’t consider anything else but a Mac.

I also found this article online regarding the upcoming Windows Vista operating system. Seems like it’s got a lot of cool features that will come in handy and bridge the gap a bit between Windows and the easy-as-pie Mac OS X. I like the eye candy features like the improved graphics and widgets for the desktop, which Macs have had for a long time. And my mom would have really liked to have the improved user settings, such as online “curfews” that can be set different for every user, when she had a teenage girl foster child living with her. As for me, I’ll switch to Vista when 2 things happen: 1. most popular software will include Vista in the operating systems they’re compatible with and 2. I can afford to spend money on it and can’t afford not to have Vista due to it becoming a standard.

In the meantime, I’ll still keep coveting my MacBook.

I left work fairly frustrated today. One of the projects that I will quite possibly never finish is to clean up the database. It seems that every time I figure out how to standardize a particular feature and start on it (we have over 400,000 contacts and 30,000 companies in the db), the team comes up with something new to do. Lately it’s been renumbering the documents that are on the server to bring it more in line with the files in the db, since the db automatically assigns an ID number to every record and this will make it easier to find related docs/records. No big deal, but today, when I am well into this phase of the project, yet another method of organizing the documents comes up. I really don’t agree with this new method for a number of reasons. Previously, the docs were being filed geographically. Makes sense, especially when the way they should be accessed is directly from the database, since we can attach the docs to the record that way instead of going through folders on the server. Now, within these geographical confines, they want the docs broken down further into categories, which will require me to open each and every doc and read it thorougly to determine which category it will go in. Now here’s what I don’t get. Some members of the team want me to be a cheerleader/whipcracker to get them to use the database more, because of it has the ability to store all of the information we need and has many wonderful features. One of these features is search codes. If a simple search can be run in the database using these search codes, among other fields, then why do the docs need to be organized by category? So they can continue to not use the database that we pay bucketloads of money to keep the license on every year? If that’s the way they want to do things, then why the heck don’t we just go back to a pure paper system or use a simple contact management system instead of our very complete, very expensive database? So we can use the built-in IM program to see what everyone is getting for lunch? I’ve had it up to my eyeballs right now. I’ve never meant this so much as I do today, but TGIF!!!!!

< /end rant>

I’ve noticed something about myself. The more I blog and the more I want to spend time doing anything and everything related to blogging, the more frustrated I am or the more there is something in my day to day life that I want to avoid. I do really enjoy blogging, frustrations or no, but the intensity picks up with the intensity of other issues. I don’t know, I guess it just means I have some stuff to figure out. I do have one big thing figured out (the cryptic issue I keep referring to that will be revealed in more detail at a later date), but I need to figure out the “in the meantime” stuff to keep me sane and help me work towards my goals, which all lead to cryptic issue. When it’s safe to reveal cryptic issue I’ll talk more and this will make so much more sense to all of you. In the meantime I’ll just continue to discuss it with my head-shrinker.

I’m working on a few additional revenue sources. I won’t put AdSense on my blog, mainly because I want total and complete control over all the content, but I do have a few affiliate programs that I signed up for when I was trying to start an organizing business. The website I had is gone, but an email from amazon last week made me realize that I am still signed up and could still make use of that. So I dusted off my old records, logged into my accounts, changed the websites involved, and put up some links. You’ll find them in the new section titled “Help Me Make A Buck.” I’m also working on a few other affiliate things, so you might see more things there in the future. I’ll never put something up on there that I wouldn’t personally use myself - it’s just not my style. And you’ll never find a paypal or straight out donation button. Again, not my style. I figure if I’m gonna make some money, at least I’m gonna work for it in some way, shape, or form, and you’ll get something out of it. If you feel the need to give for the sake of giving, there are people needier than me, so let them benefit from your charitable mood. My favorite is this one. (I bet you never figured me to be a good Christian, eh?)

I was brought back to the idea of a road trip recently. As I mentioned way in the beginning when I first started my blog, I drove here to Vegas from my home state of Massachusetts. Since I had a rental truck and my dad with me, who was short on time, I didn’t get to see anything except I-70 and a bunch of truck stops most of the way, along with a few other roads on either end of that. But man, was that drive invigorating! I love all things road related, and I even have a (very) small photo collection of road signs. Unfortunately for me, I never think about taking a picture of something until I’ve gone well past it. But this guy must be making a living or something by attempting to photograph nearly every road sign in the country and then some. If you like signs like I do, check it out. Two other cool websites for road tripping are here and here. I’ll add all of these to my links in the sidebar.

Well, now that I’ve calmed down from my day at work, thanks in part to that free crack massage that some dealer is trying to get me addicted to so I’ll spend a ton of money on one of their massage beds, I think I’ll surf a few hundred more blogs before I turn in for the night. Tomorrow is Saturday, my only day off, and I’ve got the usual list of errands to run before church and work at Job#2 on Sunday afternoon. ‘Til later, then.