KirstenL4W

Apparently a little pill doesn’t work for anxiety. My doctor upped my dosage about 5 or 6 weeks ago, and I don’t feel any different. The thing that did it for me was a full blown anxiety attack that I had at work today. Sitting in the bathroom, trying not to let my sobs be heard, barely able to breathe and feeling like I was gonna hurl. I guess I should have seen it coming, that something was a little off, because blogging has been such a fun and wonderful diversion from I don’t even know what. Even when I was trying to get thru the anxiety attack and regain my composure, I was writing this entry in my head.

I also had a dream last night that the anxiety came back in a big way. See, with the anxiety comes severely limited patience for everything, usually everything that has to do with other people, and a very snappy temper. I thought the person in that dream was gone, but I guess I was wrong. I know depression and anxiety go hand in hand, and I always knew I’ve been depressed or that it could come back at any time. That’s a lot of why I wanted to move away, was the depression. And moving did lift it for quite some time, but it came back. As for the anxiety, I never really recognized that until I started having problems with depression again out here and sought treatment. So the doc gave me Paxil and for a short time, things were better. I think the depression took care of itself just because I was seeing someone for it. The anxiety, for a little while, also went away. At the time, I was still seeing the “pissed off and no patience” as just that and not anxiety, but with the meds that stopped happening and when I was getting into situations when I expected that reaction to something, I was like, gee, what do I do now? Then after a few months I noticed that mentally I could handle the anxiety, but physically it was still there - racing heartbeat, shaking, hard to breathe, etc. So I talked to my doc and he upped my meds. That should have taken effect by now, since it’s been about 6 weeks, but it’s not, I feel like it’s getting worse. How can that be? How can a low dose have helped me, at first anyway, and a higher dose doesn’t work at all? I don’t get that.

One thing I have noticed over my life is that newness keeps me calm and happy, which is a bit of an oxymoron as far as my personality goes because all my friends and family know that I am most comfortable with the familiar. I don’t like trying new foods, and I really like my routine. But the strong appeal of newness, the unfamiliar and the anonymity of being somewhere I’ve never been before is what brought me to Vegas, and what is making me want to leave Vegas. But know I don’t know. I want to settle down somewhere and build a life for myself instead of living like a gypsy, but at the same time, if the newness is what keeps me going, am I going to be doing this the rest of my life? How do I stay in one place and stay happy? I’m even noticing that comfort, on any level, is not a good thing. Take jobs for example. When I worked for the graphic design studio back in MA, I was very comfortable with my job. A bit bored, but I figured I had a good thing and even though I would casually peruse the want ads, I never acted on it because hey, I was in a good place. Then I got laid off after 9/11. I mean, no matter where I was that could have happened because the economy totally tanked then, especially in MA. But the fact remains that I was too comfortable. Same thing now, I keep feeling like I’ve got it too good here so I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, yet I feel like I would be betraying the very loving people that I work for and with if I were to seek out something else. So I’m stuck, inert, because I can’t figure out what to do about this. I don’t get it, how can comfort not be good and discomfort is good? It defies logic.

I’m going home next week on vacation. I’m excited to see my family and friends again and to be somewhere familiar. With this upcoming visit, I’m actually starting to think about for the first time that it could be possible to move back there. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, and if I did move back to that area, I still don’t think it would be in the same part of the region that everyone else is in. I’d still need my own turf, so to speak, but being close enough that I don’t have to worry about not being able to afford holidays with my family. A snowstorm can stop me, but money can’t. There’s still the cost of living there, and job opportunites and all that other crap that is leading me to somewhere else, but that somewhere else is in a state I’ve never set foot in.

I know happiness has to be found within myself, but external factors influence that sooooo much. I keep thinking I know what I need to be happy, but as life goes on, that thinking keeps getting turned upside down and every which way. I know one thing for sure - keeping busy with so many jobs and other things to do doesn’t keep me from needing to think about this and sort it all out. It just keeps me going.

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