KirstenL4W

Physically, yes, because I’ve been spending waaaayyyy too much time blogging instead of doing everything else I should be doing, but I’m also exhausted mentally right now. Anxiety attacks take a lot out of you, and I just feel drained. I also feel a bit hopeful because as much as I need to really examine this right now, I feel like I can work on it. I don’t know any of my fellow bloggers personally, but the blogs I read and the responses I get are so genuine, and I’m starting to feel like I’m not alone. Chameleon left a comment on my previous post that really touched me, because it validated my feelings and what I’m going through. As good as she is, even my shrink can’t do that. People who have never experienced anxiety and depression have no freaking clue what it feels like, and I find that, as supportive as they want to be, they can never say the right thing and often say the wrong thing that leaves me feeling even more messed up and alone.

Chameleon’s first post perfectly describes the struggle we face as we go through our daily lives. Her issues stem from childhood abuse, mostly psychological, as do mine. Someday I’ll tell you about it, but I really don’t feel like revisiting it right now. I’ll just give you this tidbit: my father once described my stepmonster as being “a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.” He’s been married to her since I was 5, and still is, and she is a major cause of a lot of drama in my dealings with my family, even though I have no contact with her.

The worst part of having to deal with all this is that trying to live a productive life gets in the way of living with this and trying to deal with it, yet having these problems in the first place gets in the way of living a productive life. It’s a Catch-22, and it really sucks. Plus the illness itself is like a drug, in a way. The more interested I am in dealing with it, the more zeal I have in pursuing any and all input and output to make myself feel better, but it’s to the detriment of my “real” life. However, the more interest I have in making my “real” life better, the more I put my issues on the back burner until they explode, like I did today. I can’t find the right balance between what’s going on with me and what’s going on in my life. I can’t compartmentalize it like that, as much as I want to. So when I got to Job#2 feeling like I do, it’s hard to deal with customers when being around people takes every single ounce of strength I have.

Anyway, as cathartic as blogging is I don’t want to turn this into a depression and anxiety blog where I don’t talk about anything else. I still want to talk about my “real” life, because that’s important too. So, switching channels:

I spent $5 today. On more ice cream. I still have plenty in my freezer here at home, but my co-workers were starting to mention the c-word. No, no, no, not that word. I hate that word. No, the word, or rather words, that I am talking about are Cold Stone Creamery. It’s not been that hot here this week, at least not by Vegas standards. But when you’re melting in any way, including mentally, ice cream is just the ticket. Well worth it, both the money and the calories.

I had to work at Job#2 tonite. I would have rather gone home and buried myself in my blog and some comfort food, but it was kinda nice to be there too. Shoe Boss is a wonderful lady and knows my issues, so when I told her I felt drained and why, she was understanding. We had a lot to do on the floor, moving all sorts of stock around and cleaning all the paper out of clearance boxes. Just the sort of mindless busy work I needed. And yet somehow, we made our goal today even though we were only halfway there at 5pm and had no sales after 8pm. So somehow in those 3 hours we made our goal. It really didn’t feel like it, because it wasn’t that busy and there were no big sales to brag about, so it was the best kind of day there.

Well then, it’s getting really late here, as always. Such are the laws of the internet universe - the clock always moves twice as fast when you’re online. I’ve got to do a few dishes and get my butt to bed.

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